The only good thing about this week was getting my tax return.

The rest of it kinda sucked.

If I thought I was doing any better with how I was feeling about the Shawn thing, I definitely learned that I was wrong when I discovered he was back on facebook.  I know, I seek this information out like I'm doing it to torture myself.  But I did notice his brother was not friends with me anymore..which led to me finding Shawn's new profile and of course the only thing I can really see on it is his relationship status.

He's still with the girl I found out about before.  The girl he obviously left me for.  I should probably change the name of this blog to "dumped for a girl who speaks Russian."

This facebook profile discovery led to me having a pretty decent breakdown, complete with the "I think I might throw up" feeling.  I've been taking ZzzQuil again just to get to sleep at night because I can't stop my mind from thinking about everything all over again.

Of course I've thought about messaging him on there, but I'm not going to.  He's really not worth the $1 it would cost me to have him actually see it.  If I were a mean person I would message his girlfriend with the link to this blog.  But I'm not going to do that either even though she should know about me and what he did.

I guess it was less expensive to just find a new girlfriend over there than pay to fly me out like he said he would.

I just keep thinking about her and how she was leaving messages on his other profile back in March.  I'm going to assume he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend at home.  But maybe he did and maybe she didn't care since I wasn't around.  He didn't.

Maybe he had been in contact with her before he even went over there.  Who knows how long this went on before I found out about it.

It all just kills me.  For many reasons.  The main one being I hate that almost a year later I'm still sitting here miserable over all of this.  Another reason being that he gets to be happy and I don't.  He didn't mourn our relationship at all, he just moved right on to the next one. He didn't have to deal with anything, he had his mommy do it for him and she treated me terribly.

It still all hurts so much.  He was so, incredibly cruel to me.  I should be so mad at him...and I am, but I'm just so sad that I can't take the time to be as mad as I should be.

Seriously, a year ago I was right here.  Sitting here crying over him and that's exactly where I am today.  I wish my life was awesome and I could rub it in his face, but the truth is it's not.  He has hurt me so much and I have no idea how long it's going to take me to recover.  Meanwhile he's happy with his girlfriend and his new life and he's probably thinking how could he have ever been happy with me...just kidding, he probably doesn't even think of me because I wasn't important to him.  Our relationship meant nothing and it's like it never existed.

I just want to not be sad anymore.  I want the awesome life.  He doesn't deserve it.