Valentine's Day.  Meh.

This is my first Valentine's Day without a boyfriend in years.  Technically Shawn and I were still together last year, but he wasn't talking to me at that point.

I used to like this day.  We never made a huge deal out of it, but we usually got each other cards or little presents.  Mostly I just liked knowing that I wasn't alone.

So today I tried my best to not think about it.  I did, of course because I can't stop my mind from going there.

I did go out with Heather and Katie tonight for dinner.  They're two of my very few still single friends.  We had fun, we ate good food and laughed and didn't think about the fact that we would leave there and have no one to come home to.  Just kidding, of course I thought about that.  But I did have fun and it did get my mind off things for a little while.

The weather has been pretty awful the past couple days and I've been walking to work so I don't have to drive in it or dig my car out.  I should walk to work more often.  I think when the weather gets nice I'm going to try to do it more.

Tomorrow is dad's birthday.  He and mom are going to come up for the night.  We're going to go over to Chris and Lindsey's to hang out for a while, so I'm looking forward to that.

Right now I'm looking forward to going to bed and getting this day over with.

The only good thing about this week was getting my tax return.

The rest of it kinda sucked.

If I thought I was doing any better with how I was feeling about the Shawn thing, I definitely learned that I was wrong when I discovered he was back on facebook.  I know, I seek this information out like I'm doing it to torture myself.  But I did notice his brother was not friends with me anymore..which led to me finding Shawn's new profile and of course the only thing I can really see on it is his relationship status.

He's still with the girl I found out about before.  The girl he obviously left me for.  I should probably change the name of this blog to "dumped for a girl who speaks Russian."

This facebook profile discovery led to me having a pretty decent breakdown, complete with the "I think I might throw up" feeling.  I've been taking ZzzQuil again just to get to sleep at night because I can't stop my mind from thinking about everything all over again.

Of course I've thought about messaging him on there, but I'm not going to.  He's really not worth the $1 it would cost me to have him actually see it.  If I were a mean person I would message his girlfriend with the link to this blog.  But I'm not going to do that either even though she should know about me and what he did.

I guess it was less expensive to just find a new girlfriend over there than pay to fly me out like he said he would.

I just keep thinking about her and how she was leaving messages on his other profile back in March.  I'm going to assume he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend at home.  But maybe he did and maybe she didn't care since I wasn't around.  He didn't.

Maybe he had been in contact with her before he even went over there.  Who knows how long this went on before I found out about it.

It all just kills me.  For many reasons.  The main one being I hate that almost a year later I'm still sitting here miserable over all of this.  Another reason being that he gets to be happy and I don't.  He didn't mourn our relationship at all, he just moved right on to the next one. He didn't have to deal with anything, he had his mommy do it for him and she treated me terribly.

It still all hurts so much.  He was so, incredibly cruel to me.  I should be so mad at him...and I am, but I'm just so sad that I can't take the time to be as mad as I should be.

Seriously, a year ago I was right here.  Sitting here crying over him and that's exactly where I am today.  I wish my life was awesome and I could rub it in his face, but the truth is it's not.  He has hurt me so much and I have no idea how long it's going to take me to recover.  Meanwhile he's happy with his girlfriend and his new life and he's probably thinking how could he have ever been happy with me...just kidding, he probably doesn't even think of me because I wasn't important to him.  Our relationship meant nothing and it's like it never existed.

I just want to not be sad anymore.  I want the awesome life.  He doesn't deserve it.

i really just need to figure things out.

Last night was weird.  I went to bed super early and then woke up around 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep for an hour or so.  I had a million things running through my mind, most of them Shawn related.  I finally fell asleep again and had another completely realistic dream where he came home to me and he kissed me and told me everything would be okay now.  It felt so good to be in his arms again.  Then I woke up and the "Shawn feeling" stuck with me all day.

Then I went to do laundry and put my clothes in the dryer only to find it wasn't working.  So I had to take my wet clothes to Chris and Lindsey's house to dry them.  Which meant I needed to use the sturdier laundry basket I have, which was Shawn's...which has had stuff in it forever, but I never use it so I've never needed to empty out the clean towels and blankets that were in it.  But today I did and found two pairs of Shawn's socks at the bottom.  Such a stupid thing like that still cuts like a knife, especially after I just had a super real dream about him.

So things didn't start off well today.

Then on my way to Chris and Lindsey's I stopped at the red light before I turn onto their street.  I looked and didn't see any cars coming, so I did a right on red, but out of nowhere this car comes barreling through, honking its horn, so I immediately tried to pull over to get out of its way, but it had already started passing me before I could.  It shook me because I was that close to being in an accident and as soon as I pulled into their driveway I just sat there and cried.

The rest of the day was better.  Odin got his hair cut and I ran into Sue in Petsmart, so she hung around to see him.  Then I came back over to Chris and Lindsey's around 5 and we ate dinner and watched a movie.  Now I'm in the guest room with Odin.

Tomorrow should be a better day.

It's 8:00 on a Friday night.  I'm in bed.  I am pretty pumped about sleeping.

My life is so exciting.

But really...it's not exciting.  Today was the last day of rush at work and I am super tired from this week.  I'm glad it's over and I'm ready for things to go back to normal.

Mom has come up to help me out with Odin for a few days during the past two weeks and it has been really nice to have her here.  I can't explain how nice it is to not come home to an empty house.  I wish I could get to the point where I'm okay with being alone.

I'm thinking about texting Spencer.  I know I probably shouldn't.  I don't think he's the kind of guy you can be just friends with.  But I liked hanging out with him and now we can do it without the complications of working together.  But yeah.  I shouldn't.

Tomorrow Odin has an appointment with the groomer because he looks like this:

Some time after that I'm going to Chris and Lindsey's an staying the night since we're going back to Boston again on Sunday.

Speaking of Chris and Lindsey, I can officially announce that I'm going to be an aunt.  Lindsey is pregnant.  I've known since shortly after Thanksgiving, but they didn't want to tell anyone until it was safe.  They had an appointment today and everything is still normal, so they're going to tell more people now.  It's super weird to think about.  I know nothing about babies.  But I'm very happy for them because they have been trying for so long.

On that happy note, it's bed time.

I don't think Dave is going to be anything but a friend.  I just don't feel it.  I thought I might, but I don't.  He's so nice and he's smart and we like a lot of the same things, but I just don't see it going anywhere.  I mean, I should be excited to see him, right?  When he asked if I was hungry after the movie I should have wanted to say yes and spend more time with him, right?

Also, last night I was thinking and even if I did like Dave in that way, I'm still not over Shawn.  I want to be so bad, but I'm just not.  I really can't be with another guy until I figure that out.  Because honestly, all I want right now is just to talk to him.  I still think about him walking through that door.  I want to get over all of this.

I wish I felt differently about Dave and it makes me sad that I don't because I have no idea when I'm going to meet someone else that likes me like he does and understands my situation.

...and can I just say that Her was really unexpectedly depressing?  I could relate to so much of it.  It didn't make me feel any better about things.

Some unexpected things happened today.

I was getting ready for work when my brother texted me asking if I wanted to go to a hockey game tonight at the Times Union Center.  He had tickets from work and he and Lindsey were going.  So I said I'd go.

On my way to work Dave texted me asking me if I wanted to see Her with him this weekend.  He promised it was not a date, he just wanted to see the movie and he didn't think any of his guy friends would want to go with him.  I said sure.  I've been thinking about him a little bit this week, unsure of how I'm feeling about that whole situation.  But seeing a movie with him as a friend kind of takes away the pressure, so it should be alright and give me a chance to see him again and kinda sort through how I really feel about it.

I worked 11:30 to 5:30 today and it went by quickly.  After work I came home quick to let Odin out then went over to Chris and Lindsey's.

It is impossible to not think about Shawn while at a hockey game.  It was almost exactly a year ago the he took me to an Albany Devil's game in the same place.  Just a couple days before he left.  That was one of my last real happy memories with him.  He loved hockey and everything I know about hockey is from him.  We had talked about going to Montreal to go to a Canadiens game at some point, but that never happened.  I don't really care too much about it, but I would have liked to have gone with him.

There was a huge brawl at the end of the game tonight.  Coaches were fighting and everything, it was crazy.  It's times like these where I wish Shawn was still in my life, even as a friend so I could tell him about it.  He'd appreciate that story.

Get him out of my head, please.

No work tomorrow!  Yay!  Steph is coming over around noon and we're going to have lunch and hang out for a while.  Then going to the movie with Dave around 4:40.

Now it's time to watch SNL in bed.