Weekend update

Its been a pretty good weekend.  I went home with Chris and Lindsey for our cousin Erin's party/wedding reception.  She got married back in February, I can't remember if I wrote about it here or not.  But when she got married Shawn had just started talking to me again.  I skyped with him that morning and that night.  They said the reception wouldn't be until July and Shawn and I talked about how he might be back home by that point.  I thought he might be around to go to this with me.  Time is going by way too fast.  I can't believe that about 4 months ago.

Odin has made the guest room his.  I'm pretty sure when I'm at work he spends most of his time in there lying on the bed and looking out the window.  It's pretty cute.

Blake and I have been texting a bit.  We have a pretty firm plan for this Friday.  I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also super nervous.  He seems pretty excited about it, I hope I live up to his expectations.

Dating is scary.  It's so weird to have to start all over.

Happy picture time.  Here's Odin and Mila holding paws in the car yesterday.

Tuesday

My landlord came and did the inspection of the house today and everything was fine, as I knew it would be.

So now I can say I am officially done.  I have absolutely no reason to ever contact Shawn's mom or Shawn ever again.  It's over.  These toxic people can be out of my life.

I cannot believe how much has changed in a year.  It was almost exactly one year ago that Shawn and I moved into this house.  Now a year a later he is in a different country, won't talk to me, and his mother has treated me like crap, like I'm the one who did something wrong.  A year ago she was helping us move.

I wonder where I will be a year from now.

Blake and I have been texting a bit tonight.  We're going to go mini golfing sometime next week.  He wants to call me, but I'm nervous about it.  I just don't want to come off as a dull loser, I'm not the best conversationalist.

That's all I got.

Weekend

I'm watching the episode of Gilmore Girls where Lorelai and Luke break up (the first time). When all of this stuff started going on with Shawn I kept thinking of this episode.  How bad Lorelai wanted to get in touch with Luke at the beginning when she couldn't find him.  Then when she couldn't take the silence anymore and confronted him, wanting to talk to him and tell him everything she has had on her mind because she couldn't concentrate on anything else until they talked and he told her he couldn't be in the relationship anymore.  Then her "no" and her heartbreak and lying in bed, not wanting to even move.  Then how she stutters over saying, "ex-boyfriend" at the end when she is referring to him.

I know it's just a show, but I can completely relate.  I never liked their breakup to begin with, but now it just hurts to watch it.

I miss that show.

Anyway, it has been a good weekend.  Mom and dad came up yesterday and we made the second bedroom into a guest room.  I love it now.  I can go in there without thinking about what it used to be.

Odin likes it too.  He has easy access to the window now.

Also, the little end table by the bed worked out too.  The room needed one and I looked on craigslist to see if anyone was having yard sales.  The first listing for one was right down the road, so mom and I went there and found that for $10.  So that worked out.

Mom and dad stayed the night and today we went over and visited Chris and Lindsey.  Then they left around 2.

My plans for the rest of the day consist of walking Odin with Kristina and Watson and then getting froyo.

I've also started talking to a guy named Blake.  He's actually from a town down where I'm from and we went to the same college.  He was in the military and has lived all around the world, but plans on staying put here in Albany (one of the first things I asked!)

So we'll see how things go!

Friday optimism

So on Wednesday night I sent Shawn's mom a long message.  It was pretty heartfelt.  I let her know my side of things and how hurt I feel by everything Shawn has done.  I explained the money situation further and told her how much more difficult this has all been because of it.  I also told her I would gladly talk to Shawn about all of this since it's our money and he shouldn't be having her deal with everything, especially e-mailing MY landlord.

Her reply was, "your check will be in the mail tomorrow."

Not that I was really expecting her to write anything heartfelt back since she's a robot.  But it would have been nice.  Even something as simple as, "I understand."  Oh well.  The check came in the mail today.  So I'm basically done with her.  I don't have any reason to contact her ever again.

She did write "LAST PAYMENT" really big on the top of the check "LAST RENT PAYMENT" on the memo line.  Thanks.  I wasn't aware.

So, no more crying.  I need to move on.  I need to stop dwelling on all of this.  Shawn did a terrible thing and hurt me in ways that I may never get over.  But I need to put it behind me.  I need to find a way to not constantly think about all of this.

I enabled my profile again.  So maybe I'll find someone new to talk to and get to know.  Doesn't hurt to look.

Mom and dad are both coming up tomorrow and staying the night.  They're bringing a twin bed to put in the second bedroom.  I used to get sad when I walked into that room since it was Shawn's.  But now I'm ready to make it something else.  I'm looking forward to it being a nice guest room.  Now all I need are guests!

I turn 27 in less than 3 weeks.  Let's hope 27 is much better to me than 26 has been.

Hey look, I'm angry!

Shawn's mom took it upon herself to e-mail MY landlord about Shawn's half of the security deposit.

My landlord e-mailed me to tell me about this and said she was going to have to come over and do an inspection then she would mail Shawn his half, but she also wants a new security deposit for the new lease and with Shawn's half out of it I would now have to give her close to $300 to make up the rest.

His mom said once she gets Shawn's money for the security deposit, she will send me July's rent check.

So not only has his mom been shorting me $75 each month, I now have to come up with $300, and I won't be getting a rent check for at least a couple more weeks.

Hey, you know what would be nice?  If Shawn said, "you know what, mom, I've put Kim through enough and you have been sending her less money than what I paid when I lived there, so just let it go."  But no.  Also, his mom still acts confused about why he would pay more money than me and can't get why I would want to keep his half of the security deposit to make up for it.  Does she not ask him about it?  Does he lie to her and tell her he didn't pay more than me?

You know what would also be nice?  If Shawn would deal with this himself.  It's his money.  He should return one of my e-mails and figure this all out with me.

Who even is this person?  Where did Shawn go?  He seriously must have some kind of disorder.  A normal person does not do the things he has done.  A normal person is not this heartless and cold to someone they loved for 4 years.

He must get it from his mother.

Can I just be done, please?  I want these people out of my life.  I want to move on and think about all of this constantly.

Sunday

So the work picnic went alright.  It turns out Spencer didn't bring his girlfriend after all and it was basically just people I work with and only one person brought their boyfriend.  So it was nice to just hang out and eat food for a few hours.

I honestly don't know what to make of Spencer.  Every time they played a game he asked me to play and be his partner.  He's probably just trying to be nice and not make things awkward.  He also went on a hilarious rant about people not returning texts...hilarious to me anyway.  I only rolled my eyes a few times at things he said.

...and again I was hit with a bunch of Shawn memories because the only other times I've been to Thacher Park has been with him and where we had our picnic was where Shawn and I went to eat lunch a few years back.  Thacher Park also has an amazing outlook where you can see all the way to Vermont because it's so high up.  Shawn and I would go there and just sit and talk a few times.  One 4th of July we went there and just sat all day.

I know I keep saying this, but it must be so nice for him to not have to have anything that reminds him of me.  Everywhere I go I am just hit with memories.  That never happens for him.  He has it so easy.  Have I mentioned how unfair this is?

Today is a pretty much just a lazy Sunday.  I decided to clean the fridge.  Some of Shawn's things were still in there.  A lot of it was in the freezer  I know, it's gross.  It's all gone now.  Later Steph and I are probably going to get dinner and then maybe Kristina and I will take a late night walk with the pups.

Here's a picture from yesterday on the way to the park.

Thursday night randomness

I just wrote out a long message to Shawn's mom explaining my side of things.  It's basically the first entry I wrote in this blog downsized a bit.  I'm not sure if I'm going to send it.  I know it probably won't matter to her, but I'd still like her to know.  I shouldn't care what she thinks of me, but I do.

I think I'll give it the weekend before I send it and see if anything develops or if Shawn decides to be a man and actually contact me to deal with this himself...sorry, I actually had to keep myself from laughing while I typed that.  Like he would actually deal with something.

So I think I'm going to suck it up and go to this work picnic on Saturday.  Heather said she would drive and I can bring Odin, so why not, I guess.  I just hope Spencer isn't annoying.

Here's another picture from this weekend.  It's the fireworks over Niagara Falls.

Weekend

Well, its been a weird and fun few days.

Let's start with Friday.

After work I drove home and met up with my friends Steph, Nicole, Jess, and a few other friends I haven't seen in a long time.  We ate dinner and watched fireworks.  It was a good night.

Earlier my mom had messaged Shawn's mom about the rent check.  So that night my mom called me and said his mom had gotten back to her saying she wasn't sending it, she was keeping that last check to cover Shawn's half of the security deposit.  So mom wrote her back telling her she has been sending me less money than what Shawn paid and she brought up all the other expenses I've had to take over since he left (Odin, bills, etc).  His mom came back with no understanding why Shawn would pay more in rent than I would why would he pay the electric bill if he's not living here, and Odin wasn't really Shawn's dog, I wouldn't even "let him" bring Odin to their house when he visited.

This women has absolutely no idea what our relationship was like and it doesn't help that Shawn hasn't seemed to clear anything up about it.  Shawn has always paid more in rent than I did, it's an agreement we've had since we started living together.  It's not any of her concern and if she would ask Shawn about it hopefully he would confirm that.

The Odin thing really bothers me too.  Shawn loved Odin.  They were buddies.  He took care of him just as much as I did, took him for car rides, took him for long walks.  Odin was his dog.

His mom doesn't know anything.  She has no idea.

Mom told her Shawn should be the one dealing with this with me.  She told her she would tell him and let him deal with it.  So that means it will never get dealt with because Shawn is a coward and can't deal with anything that involves me.

After thinking about it all weekend though I think I'm just going to let it go and get these toxic people out of my life.  I'm considering sending his mom a message telling my side of things, but I don't know.  I know I shouldn't care what she thinks of me, but I do.  I hate that she has all this wrong information about me in her head and I'm the bad guy when I didn't do anything wrong and her son is the one who did a terrible thing.

So yeah, Friday night was fun except for that.  I actually cried right there on the phone when mom told me all of this.  I hate what this has all come to.

Saturday Steph and I went to Darien Lake to the Warped Tour with her 15 year old cousin and her friend.  It was pretty fun, took me back to when I was that age and that pumped about the bands that were playing.

Sunday we went to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls for the day.  That was a good time.  I did keep thinking about how it was exactly a year ago that Shawn and I went there together and how I had no idea then where we would be today.  Life is crazy.

I think these thoughts led to the dream I had on Sunday night/Monday morning.  I was at some kind of gathering with my co-workers and Shawn appeared out of the woods.  He walked over and we talked about something, I can't remember what.  But then he put his arm around me and we walked together.  It was another one of those "he's back" moments.  Then I woke up remembering it so clearly.

On Monday we went back to Darien Lake to go to the theme park.  Steph and I rode every roller coaster.  Its been a long time since I went to a theme park.  The last time was at the six flags in Springfield, Massachusetts with Shawn before we started officially dating.  He knew how bad I wanted to go, so we went, but he didn't tell me roller coasters made him feel incredibly nauseous.  He ended up feeling really sick.  So I never asked him to go to another theme park with me.

Then Monday night I was back here in Albany.  It was a good weekend despite all of the rent drama. We'll see what happens with that.

I was officially given Homecoming weekend off, so I am going to go to Michigan to see Hanson with Talia!  I'm so excited about that.  It definitely gives me something to look forward to and that's always good.

I'm still deciding what I'm going to do about this weekend.  There is a work picnic at Thatcher Park.  I don't really want to go, mostly because I don't want to see Spencer and his girlfriend, who he posted that he loved "more than anything in the world!" on facebook the other day.  Yup, definitely a typical 21 year old boy.  Glad to be rid of him.

These picnics also make me sad that I'm alone.  Shawn would have gone to something like this with me and I would have looked forward to it.  But now I'm just kinda bummed thinking about going alone and seeing everyone else with their significant others.

So, I don't know.

Here is my favorite picture from the weekend.  Me and Steph waiting for the fireworks over the falls.

4th of July

No work today!  Always exciting.

No big plans, just enjoying the day off with Odin.  I just went on a Starbucks run.

Kristina and I are going to walk the dogs in a little bit and then go to TCBY.  I don't really have any plans to watch fireworks tonight.  If I had someone in my life I think I probably would.  However I don't think Shawn and I went anywhere last year to watch them.  You could usually see them from our old apartment.

I'm looking forward to this weekend and getting away.  Hopefully going to Niagara Falls won't make me sad because the last time I was there was a year ago with Shawn.  It was our last vacation.  I can't believe that was a year ago.  Time is going by so quickly.

I haven't really talked to Joey since we went out.  He has commented on a couple things on facebook, but I haven't said much back.  I feel bad.  I don't really know what's going on in my head.  I thought I was ready to get out and date, but maybe I'm not.  I disabled my profile.  I may go back, I don't know.  I'd rather meet someone in real life like I did with Spencer, even though that didn't work out.  It's just easier when you know someone and are friends with them and then other things happen.

Blah.  I need to not make myself sad today.

Titles are required now? Lame.

Two years ago today Shawn and I went to Petsmart and met Odin for the first time.

I had been looking at corgis or corgi mixes to adopt since Shawn and I both love that breed and it was actually one of the first things we bonded over.  But Shawn was allergic to most breeds of dogs, so I started looking at hypoallergenic breeds.  He grew up with lhasa apos, so I looked for those and shih tzus.

My mom found him on petfinder a week or so before.  He was actually listed as a female dog named Greta, but they later put they had the wrong information and he was a boy named Grizzly.   I put in an application before we even met him.  The rescue that had him brings their dogs to Petsmart on Sundays, so on July 3rd 2011 we went and met him.  We told them we wanted him and they came that day to do a home visit and he was officially ours.

Shawn came up with the name Odin for him.  I liked it.  I thought it was a funny name for a little dog.

If were up to Shawn we never would have gotten him though.  He knew I wanted a dog, but he wasn't as into it as I was and didn't want the responsibility.  He quickly fell in love with him though.  He was a good doggy dad.

But now Odin lives in a single parent household because his dad left us.  I think all of this would have been way harder without him.  He is basically a constant source of happiness for me.  I don't know how dogs minds work, so I don't know if he knows Shawn isn't around anymore.  He's probably forgotten about him...which is fitting since Shawn has forgotten about him as well.

I had a good life for a while there, with my boyfriend and our dog.  I miss it.  I wonder if Shawn ever misses it too.

July 3rd, no check from his mom.  Not surprising since I don't think any of her checks have come in time for when the rent is actually due.  We'll give it a couple more days.