Longest blog ever?

One year ago today.  I look at myself there in that picture and just think of how I had no idea what was ahead.  I was at my friend's wedding, happy, and thinking about what my wedding would be like.  

Two weeks later my other friend got married.

I miss him.  I wish I didn't, but as my friends wedding anniversaries approach and our anniversary and my birthday just passed, I find myself dwelling on the situation more and more.  August is not a good month.

I feel like my life with him didn't matter.  It's so hard to explain.  It's like I cling to it and to the memories, but he doesn't and he doesn't even think about me so it's all just one sided.  

It's still so hard for me to accept that he just decided so quickly and easily that he didn't want me in his life at all anymore.  I mean, he didn't even want to try to keep me as a friend.  He just didn't need me anymore.  It's so sad to think that a friend from home that he rarely talked to could send him a message and he would probably reply, but he won't reply to me...and it's not like I would have moved to China, but he didn't even ask me or even try to see if we could make something work.  

It's like one day we were talking about the future, saying "I love you" and then the next day he had some big epiphany that he didn't need me.

...and I'm sure the girl he was/is seeing had a lot to do with it.  Which is shitty.  I don't normally swear, but that word basically describes what he did and what kind of person he turned out to be.  I think he met this girl while he was over there and since I wasn't around it was easy to hang out with her and like her and he didn't know how to tell me, so he just sent me that horrible e-mail about how our goals are different and was done with me.

It kills me that I spent that month where he stopped talking to me literally making myself sick with worry and crying at work and running into the bathroom so no one would see and taking days off because I just couldn't handle the thoughts in my head and telling myself over and over that he would be back and he had a great explanation....while he was hanging out with a new girl.

I know I need to stop dwelling on all of this, but it's going to be hard.  I never shared the e-mails he sent me and I want to because I think it helps get a better understanding of why I can't just let this go.

On February 21st Shawn sent me this e-mail.  It was the first time I had actually heard from him since he left for China:

Kim, I am so sorry I put you and am still putting you through all of this. I love you and none of this is your fault. At some point I assumed you would just write me off and move on because I'm a weirdo who moved to China but I don't want that to happen. I spend so much time working (and being sick) that I am usually exhausted but more than once a day something happens that makes me think "I want to tell Kim about that". Once we speak via Skype or facetime we can talk more about this- I know I owe you a million apologies but for now I thought I would tell you about China. On a very serious note, there is a corgi that lives near my apartment. I saw him sticking his head out the window of a van the other day and it was adorable. He is also the only leashed and clean dog I have seen  here: dogs just wander along next to their owners and get dirty. Also, children sometimes use the street as a toilet. Not something you wanted to know but its not something I wanted to see, so there. Also, my internet is working (assuming you get this e-mail!) and we should be able to skype. My ipad seems to work a lot better here than my computer but I cannot download the skype app for some reason and I can't get facetime to let me sign in. So for now Skype is fine. I tried it with my parents and it seems to work okay. My skype name is ____ so if you add me as a contact we can talk the next time I sign on. If you want we can talk tonight (for you) I'll wake up early and see if you're on. I guess just stay signed in and I'll wake up early enough to talk to you before work (which starts at 8 am my time). I hope to speak to you soon and I hope you feel better after we talk. Love, Shawn

The next day he sent me this e-mail:

Hey, Before I talk to you on Skype tonight I just wanted to send you an e-mail because I would sound awkward trying to actually say these things and I'm not sure if I would actually get through it all. Also I don't need my roomate overhearing all this mushy stuff! First, my first night here was probably the worst night of my life. I stayed up crying and asking myself why on earth I left someone like you behind at all, never mind leaving you behind in the horrible way that I did. I was really tired and jetlagged and I think I kept saying "Kim is so kind and good" (or something simple like that) over and over to myself all night.  I think part of me assumed you would never want to talk to me again and that thats what I deserved. I spent every day here (even the relatively fun or busy ones) feeling guilty and stupid about moving here. Also, I'm not sure how long I am going to stay here. I really wish they let teacher's sign a six month contract- a year is too long. I want to stay long enough to have it look good on my resume but I am ready to be in the United States again. My parents might be disappointed and I want to hold out as long as I can but I miss home. I miss my dog, my girl, my parents, my brother, getting sodas at  gas stations, walking around the pond, going to the mall for no reason... I even miss my job at Barnes and Noble a little bit! And I got what I came here for! Some adventure and time to figure my life out (a normal person could have done that from the U.S. but unfortunately I'm a weirdo and thought I needed to come here). I definitely want to get a M.A. in Library Science and try to find a job in an academic library. That may mean leaving the Albany area someday but wherever I end up I want you to be there with me. I will never make this up to you but I want to try. I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry. -Shawn ...and then on March 31st, a month after we had skyped for the last time he sent this e-mail: Kim, I'm sorry- once again I haven't handled things well and you've suffered because of it. I was feeling so homesick a month ago and I needed to take some time to think about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go next. I should have let you know. I have thought everything over and I think that we should both move on- I was a lot unhappier in Albany than I let on and I don't think that I could move back there and be happy. You deserve to be with someone who is happy and I think our goals our so different that one of us wouldn't be. I think I may not even really be back  in the U.S. for the next 5 years or so- I want to keep teaching overseas. This whole thing is my fault and I know I hurt you- you have every right to hate me but I think this will give you a chance to really be happy in the long run. And everyone deserves that. I know this is too little too late but you need to know this and I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner. -Shawn

Do you see why I was and still am so devastated, confused, and shocked?  I go back through all of this in my mind daily.  I wish I could go back and fix things, ask him questions I was afraid to ask because I was afraid of the answers.  I wish I had sat him down and made him tell me how he really felt.  Then I wouldn't have been so blindsided...then maybe things could have been different.

I want to let all of this go.  I want to get through a day where I don't think about it and wish I could talk to him or wonder what he's up to.  I should be mad and want nothing to do with him.  But all I can do is sit here without an closure and wonder why he did what he did and how he could treat me the way he has treated me.  Last night I was thinking about how if he doesn't stay over there that he'll be home pretty soon in November.  If we were still together I would be getting really excited right now, thinking of how soon I would be able to see him.

This was way longer than I thought it would be.  I didn't set out to write this and get so emotional.  I'm just surrounded by Shawn memories this month and it's hard.  

I just wish someone new could come into my life and make this all go away.

In non-Shawn related news, tomorrow if the first day of classes and I will be working 12 hour days all next week.  I just got done with a 60+ hour work week last week.  At least the money is good.

Saw Spencer for the first time in about a month yesterday.  He was in the store to get his books and came up to say Hi.  I asked him why he skipped his last week of work and he was all, "oh I tried to call then I got busy" and I was all, "mm hmm."  He was still cute, but now it's easy to remember how immature he is, so I'm not really sad at all that I probably won't see him again.  

Took Odin to Petsmart today to get a new ID tag because his apparently fell off yesterday.  The rescue I got him from is always there on Sundays doing adoption events, so we went over and said hello.  We also met a little Jack Russell named Abby who was adorable and calm and if I could afford it I would seriously consider adopting her.  But I can't.  Not now anyway.  One day Odin will have a brother or sister.

Well, I think that's it for tonight.  Probably won't update for a few days since I'm basically going to be working then coming home and going to bed all week.

Thoughts and things

This is my new nephew, AJ.  He's pretty cute.  Odin and I went over to Chris and Lindsey's yesterday to meet him and they had a great time playing.  They're going to be buds.

I'm really happy for them.  I think a new dog is going to help raise Lindsey's spirits and give her some distraction.  I know how nice distraction can be.

So it's basically my least favorite time of year.  I work at a college bookstore and classes start next week.  Students move in on Wednesday.  I'm going to be working at least 12 hours a day for the next two weeks.  It's a nice paycheck, but it's such a stressful time and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with all of the customers and the new employees we hired constantly hounding me.  Its literally just begun and I've already had moments where I want to just run away and hide.  At one point today I was training two new employees, answering the phone, helping other employees, and helping customers all at the same time because I was the only supervisor on the floor.  And I can't really say anything to the other managers they're all busy too.

It's times like these where I really miss coming home to Shawn after a long day and telling him all about it.  During my days I would mentally make lists of things I wanted to remember to tell him about and he always knew exactly what I meant and what I was talking about when I ranted because he worked there too and he knows the people I work with well.

When Shawn was talking to me for that week on Skype while he was in China I would literally write down lists of things to talk to him about so I didn't forget.  After he stopped talking to me and I just thought he was having internet issues I continued to make lists so I would remember everything I wanted to tell him.  I never got to tell him those things.  I still have the lists.  I also kept DVRing Community and not watching any of the episodes because I was waiting to watch them with him when he came back online.  He never did.  How's that for a depressing tangent?

Anyway...work sucks right now.  But mom is coming up on Thursday to hang out with Odin for a few days while I'm working all day.  So at least I won't have to worry about him.

Maybe when rush (which is what we call this busy time at work) is over I'll get back on okcupid or a different site.  I'm just so tired of being alone.

Oh and I don't know if anyone was wondering what happened to Spencer, but that's pretty much what I'm wondering right now.  He told me a while ago he wasn't going to work at the bookstore anymore because he found a new job.  He gave his two weeks.  Well, he had one week left and never showed up for any of his scheduled shifts.  He hasn't even been in to pick up his last paycheck.  He is even more of an immature kid than I thought he was.  He is one person I'm not sad to have out of my life.  I hope one day he grows up.

Also, my friend's mom apparently backed out of the trip to Michigan.  I messaged Talia's husband, Adam today to ask him if he knew anything since her mom has stopped talking to me (hey, it's a theme in my life!) and he told me that she had told him that she wasn't going to fly me out anymore.  Nice of her to let me know, though.

That's all I got for tonight.  Time to shower, attempt to cuddle with Odin, and go to bed I think.

I decided to watch a horror movie tonight before going to bed.  It's The Poughkeepsie Tapes.  At this point I'll take nightmares over Shawn dreams.

I had another one last night.  I don't remember too much about it, but I do know he was back and I was relieved and he kissed me and I asked him if we could get back together.  That part is still pretty clear in my head.

When I woke up I started tearing up.  I hate these stupid dreams.  I hate the feeling of being close to him that sticks with me all day after I wake up from them.  It sucks.

In happier news, Chris and Lindsey are adopting another dog tomorrow.  I'm so excited to meet him!

Alright, movie time.

So I had another incredibly real Shawn dream last night.  I was at work and he came in.  I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he wasn't allowed to stay in China anymore, so he came back to Albany.  I gave him the key to the house and he said he would go there and wait for me to come home.  I was excited to have him back and know that he was at home waiting for me.  In the dream I did the thing where I told myself that it wasn't a dream and he was actually back.

Then of course I wake up and realize that it was a dream and he wasn't back.  Then I'm left with a feeling that sticks with me all day, like I'm close to him or something.  Like I just saw him.  But I didn't.  It's weird.

When will the dreams stop?  They're just mean.  They're always the same.  He comes back into my life and I'm happy and I tell myself it's not a dream.  Always.

I need closure.  I'm never going to get it.  It still all feels so...left wide open.  I hope someday I can get an explanation.

Sometimes I wonder how he lives with himself.  Sometimes I wonder if he ever misses me.

In other news...

The semester is about to start which means work is about to get crazy and basically the next two weeks I'm going to be working crazy hours.  It's my least favorite time of year.  But I know it will go by quickly.

Odin got groomed last night.  I hate when he's getting groomed and I go home to a completely empty house.  I miss him when he's not there, even if it's only for an hour.  He looks pretty handsome though.

Time for bed.  Hopefully there won't be any dreams tonight.

August 14th

Today would have been our anniversary.  I didn't think about it too much, but it was definitely in the back of my mind.

After work I had some friends over and we played Apples to Apples for a few hours.  I love that game.  It was a really good time and definitely helped keep my mind off what date it was.

Katie, one of the girls I work with told me today that her boyfriend broke up with her.  They were also together for a long time and she didn't see it coming.  She knows I can relate.  Now we can share our pain and talk about how much boys suck.

I wonder what her break up feels like to her.  I mean, her ex is still available to talk to, if she wants.  He's still around.  Does that make it harder?  Sometimes people tell me that it's good that Shawn isn't around and I can't talk to him...but I don't think that's true.  I'm just left with so many questions and so much hurt and I don't have any closure.  Usually when people break up they still talk, they still are available to each other even if things aren't the same anymore.  I don't have that and it bothers me.  It's like...Shawn had me in his life for so long and then it was like he didn't even want me around as a friend anymore, he didn't even want to say one more word to me.  It was just done.  I had no say.  I had nothing.  He just decided to cut me out completely and I don't get it.  I never will.  Maybe one day he'll explain it to me, but I doubt it.

Now I'm just rambling.  I should be in bed.

One year ago today Shawn and I moved into this house.  A year ago I woke up next to him in our old apartment.  We got up and got moving, together.  Back then I had absolutely no idea where I would be today.  Back then Shawn was my future, he was in my life.  He just was.  I never stopped to think of life without him.  I just assumed we'd go with each other.  That's just how things were and how they were going to stay.

I was happy a year ago on this day.  I was so happy to be moving into this house.

Now here I sit today, alone.

I'm looking forward to Wednesday.  After work I'm having a bunch of people over and we're going to play Apples to Apples and get food from the pub down the street.  I'm pretty excited to have people over.  I even have a guest room now if someone wants to stay over.

That's all I got for tonight.

Today was pretty busy.

While at work mom called to tell me that Lindsey had been admitted to the hospital.  She had to have surgery.  She and my brother have been trying to have a baby, but things aren't going well and this was related to that.  Chris called me right when I was leaving work to ask if I could stop by their house and get Lindsey's glasses and bring them to the hospital, so I did.  Mom and Laura, Lindsey's mom came up to see her, so they were there.

Lindsey is doing well now, at least physically she will be fine.  Sometimes I have to remind myself I'm not the only one having a hard time in life right now.

After I left the hospital I met Heather and Kristina at Olive Garden for a birthday dinner.  It was delicious.  Shawn and I used to go there all the time, so it's hard not to think of him when I go there now.  

I listened to Jack's Mannequin during my walk yesterday.  Found myself tearing up when "Restless Dream" came on.  The lyrics hit me pretty hard.

...and now I'm going to bed.  Headed home tomorrow.

I write you from this grounded airplane
I wonder how you've been and where you are
A letter to the one who slipped away
A letter for the things that never start

Oh my imagination running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day that we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes a sound like a twister in my mind
The restless dream we left behind I never will forget

It's funny how the words we never say
Can turn into the only thoughts we know
But Austin's just so very far away
And I cannot believe I let you go

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day that we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes a sound like a twister in my mind
The restless dream we left behind I never will forget

This restless dream

And so I called you from the darkness of my room
You'll never be a memory, now you're a restless dream
A restless dream

And so I write to this address that I don't know
You said you had to leave and we lost track
So if you hear this on the radio
I've said it now and there's no turning back

Oh my imagination running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day that we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes a sound like a twister in my mind
The restless dream we left behind I never will forget

This restless dream

Happy birthday to me...

Well, I'm 27 today.  It's weird to think about.

It was a good day.  Went to work then went out to dinner with mom, Chris and Lindsey.

It's nice to be reminded that I do have a lot of people in my life who care about me.  I'm definitely not happy about where I am in life right now, but I know I could have things a lot worse.

It's the first birthday in 4 years that I haven't spent with Shawn.  Feels kinda weird.

I wonder if he thought about me today.  I wonder if he even remembered.

Something in my heart is making me not feel so well

Blake was a very nice guy and I had a very nice time.  He told me he'd love to see me again and I agreed to it.

Then I came home and had one of he biggest breakdowns I've had since Shawn left.  I called mom on Skype to tell her about the date and ended up sobbing.  I sent Blake a long text message telling him how I was feeling and that I didn't think I was as ready as I thought I was and I didn't think we should go out again.  He replied and told me I was amazing and said that even though we've only known each other for a couple weeks, he was pretty sure he was going to miss me.  It was sweet.  It made me cry even harder.

I think I need to just deal with being alone for a while.  I hate it.  I hate coming home to an empty house every night.  I miss sleeping next to someone.  I miss having someone in my life to do things with.  I miss Shawn.  I still miss him.  After all the pain he has put me through I still think about him every day.  I still wish he didn't leave.  I still wish I had him in my life.

...and everyone keeps saying I'm lucky that I got away from him and that I will be better off because now I know what kind of person he really is.  That I dodged a bullet.  But I don't feel lucky.  I feel miserable.  I feel like a failure.  I see all of my friends married or in relationships and I'm just reminded that I don't have that.  I thought I had it.  But then Shawn decided I wasn't worth his time anymore.  I wasn't important enough to him.

I'm going to be 27 on Wednesday and I'm not at all where I want to be in my life.  Then on August 14th it will be what would have been our anniversary.  Not that Shawn is going to think of or even remember these things.

I hate that he gets to move on and live his life and not hurt like I am.  I want so badly to find someone and be happy too.  But unlike him, that is hard for me.  It's 4 months later and I'm still struggling.  Yet he can find someone else before he even breaks up with me.

He really is a terrible person.  I am better off.  But it's hard to accept that right now.  I still hold onto what we had and who he used to be.

I can't wait until I don't feel like this anymore.  I want to be happy.  Sometimes...well, a lot of the time I feel like I am.  But then I remember that I'm not, not really.

...and I'm crying again.  Better stop writing now before it gets any worse.

Had a minor freak out tonight.  I went to write the check for my car loan payment and saw the book with the slips I need to include with it wasn't where I always keep it.  I had no idea where I could have put it and started looking all over the house.  In my search, looking in drawers and through random papers I got hit with more Shawn memories, our bus ticket stubs to the city, his Albany voter registration papers...he's still everywhere.  And I still get sad.  As much as I think I'm ready to move on and face life without him, I still have moments where I stop and still can't believe he's not here.

I did end up finding the slips in a spot I had already looked in twice.  In a spot I do not remember putting them.

I mailed out the new lease and the rest of the new security deposit to my landlord.  So Shawn's name is officially off the lease.

Its been a pretty good week.  Our regional manager and our vice president of the company were visiting this week and took everyone out to dinner on Tuesday night and tonight.  So two free dinners, which also meant two lunches because I couldn't finish either meal.  On Tuesday at dinner I got my pin for being with the company for 5 years (it was actually 5 years in January, they're a little slow).  The pin is nice, but I wish it came with a raise instead!

I have my date with Blake tomorrow.  I'm seriously nervous.  Like way more nervous than excited.  I really want it to go well.  I hope I'm not super awkward.