Something in my heart is making me not feel so well

Blake was a very nice guy and I had a very nice time.  He told me he'd love to see me again and I agreed to it.

Then I came home and had one of he biggest breakdowns I've had since Shawn left.  I called mom on Skype to tell her about the date and ended up sobbing.  I sent Blake a long text message telling him how I was feeling and that I didn't think I was as ready as I thought I was and I didn't think we should go out again.  He replied and told me I was amazing and said that even though we've only known each other for a couple weeks, he was pretty sure he was going to miss me.  It was sweet.  It made me cry even harder.

I think I need to just deal with being alone for a while.  I hate it.  I hate coming home to an empty house every night.  I miss sleeping next to someone.  I miss having someone in my life to do things with.  I miss Shawn.  I still miss him.  After all the pain he has put me through I still think about him every day.  I still wish he didn't leave.  I still wish I had him in my life.

...and everyone keeps saying I'm lucky that I got away from him and that I will be better off because now I know what kind of person he really is.  That I dodged a bullet.  But I don't feel lucky.  I feel miserable.  I feel like a failure.  I see all of my friends married or in relationships and I'm just reminded that I don't have that.  I thought I had it.  But then Shawn decided I wasn't worth his time anymore.  I wasn't important enough to him.

I'm going to be 27 on Wednesday and I'm not at all where I want to be in my life.  Then on August 14th it will be what would have been our anniversary.  Not that Shawn is going to think of or even remember these things.

I hate that he gets to move on and live his life and not hurt like I am.  I want so badly to find someone and be happy too.  But unlike him, that is hard for me.  It's 4 months later and I'm still struggling.  Yet he can find someone else before he even breaks up with me.

He really is a terrible person.  I am better off.  But it's hard to accept that right now.  I still hold onto what we had and who he used to be.

I can't wait until I don't feel like this anymore.  I want to be happy.  Sometimes...well, a lot of the time I feel like I am.  But then I remember that I'm not, not really.

...and I'm crying again.  Better stop writing now before it gets any worse.