This is one of the biggest reasons I hate being alone. I have nothing to distract me so I start thinking about things and worrying.
I know I just renewed this lease, but my landlord made the new lease only go until June, not August. Even though she hasn't said it, I'm afraid that come next year she's going to tell me that she will need the rent to go back up to its original price.
I love this house and this area. I feel so safe here and after having horrible apartment experiences in the last few years, I never want to go back to apartment living. But I know if I move away from here that's what I'll have to do. I do not want to move.
I know I have a lot of time left before the lease is up, but I can't help but think about it. I guess if she wants the rent to go up next year I'll just have to find a way to pay it.
So this got me worrying about money and wondering if I could get a better rate on my cable/internet bill which I currently have with Time Warner. Chris and Lindsey have Verizon Fios, so I gave them a call, but they don't service this area so I couldn't get a quote.
I was so set to get that quote from Fios and call Time Warner and be all "Hey! Give me my services for this much or I'm leaving!" But nope.
Ugh. Money. I need more of it.
Sarah came up today. We went to lunch and then took a long walk around campus like the good old days. I miss her. I miss just being able to text her to hang out and go for walks. I'm also kinda jealous of her life. She's doing things! She moved to Brooklyn with her boyfriend and he seems like such a good guy and I just want what they have.
I almost messaged Shawn tonight. Why I even think about doing it, I don't know. I know it won't matter. I still just want to talk to him so bad.
This year has gone by so quickly. I was thinking about it today. A year seems like such a long time, but it really isn't. If I hadn't freaked out about Shawn leaving and acted like a year was nothing, would he still have acted the way he did? Would he have freaked out too? Would I have gone out there to visit him like we planned? Would we still be together and skyping every night and be excited that he'd be back next month right now?
I know he probably had a lot more going on in his head at the time. Some deep seeded issues and that no matter what we probably would have ended up apart eventually. But I can't help but think of how things could have gone differently. What I could have done differently.
All my fears of him leaving were justified though. What happened is exactly what I was afraid would happen if he left. Wasn't it okay for me to be scared of what this trip meant for our relationship when in fact it did end it? How can his mom have zero sympathy for me? I was dusting the bedroom today and saw the jewelry box she gave me years ago. The top of it has a picture frame and she put a picture of me and Shawn on it. So at some point she cared about me. I have no idea what he told her that made her not like me or show me any kind of compassion through all of this.
He didn't know how to handle things. He still doesn't or else I would have heard from him by now. Mom thinks he doesn't contact me because he doesn't want to hurt me more than he already has. I think he doesn't want to contact me because I don't matter to him anymore. He just doesn't care. If he cared he wouldn't have let his mother treat me the way she did.
God, how many times am I going to hash this out and say the same things over and over again? Why am I letting him win?
In a way I feel like he ruined me. It's like he punched me in the gut and ran away so he didn't have to see the pain he caused, so he didn't have to see what he did to me and he found someone else to distract him and that made it even easier to ignore what he did.
I want to come out of this stronger and a better person for it. I just wish that would happen sometime soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment