I hate what Shawn has done to me.

I've been hanging out with Dave.  We went out again on Monday for dinner then tonight he came over and we walked Odin and got pizza.  He came in the house and hung out for a while.  We sat on the couch together.  He put his arm around me.

All I kept thinking about was how weird it all felt and how I didn't think I wanted it and how I was looking forward to him saying it was time for him to leave.  He never said it, so I eventually told him I was tired and wanted to go bed soon.  I felt relieved when he left.

Then I spent the last hour being sad, confused, and crying.  If that's not the theme of this year, I don't know what is.

I just can't do this dating stuff.  It feels so forced and I keep meeting these really nice guys who really like me and I think I like them, but then I end up feeling this exact same way.

I still miss Shawn SO much.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I could just turn off everything I ever felt for him and move on, but I can't.

He lied to me, he left me, he treated me horribly.  Why do I still think about him all the time?  Why do I still wish I had him in my life.

I'm really messed up.