So, I wanted to take back what I said about Shawn being the worst thing to ever happen to me.  He isn't.  That's the truth.  I loved him and I loved my life with him and I was happiest when I was with him.  If I had never met him I would have missed out on a lot of things.  I had four great years of having a constant companion, someone who was always there and made me laugh and smile.  As much as all of this sucks and as much as I'm hurting I wouldn't give back the time I spent with him.

I wonder how he feels when he thinks of me.  He has to think of me from time to time.  He has to remember that I exist.  He either feels extremely guilty for what he did or he doesn't care at all.

God, I miss him.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that a year really isn't that long and it would be over before I knew it, so I wouldn't have freaked out as much.  But I don't know that that would have changed anything.  Shawn probably would have lied, lost his mind, and broken up with me anyway.  And I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change anything that happened, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if I had reacted differently.

I hope when he comes home, which I think will be soon, that he contacts me.  I have such a severe need to talk to him.  He has absolutely no idea how much what he did affected me.  I honestly don't know if I will be able to move on if I can't ever talk to him again.

I had a weird morning.  I woke up around 5 am from crazy dreams.  It took me a long time to get back to sleep.  I just laid awake for a long time thinking about things.  I remember most of what I dreamt about and I'm pretty sure Shawn wasn't present in my head last night, so that's something.  Maybe.

In other news - tomorrow is Halloween and Odin is recycling his shark fin from last year.  This year Watson also has a fin and is joining him.  It's going to be adorable.

I hung out with Steph last night.  We got Moe's and fro-yo while Odin got a haircut.  He looks pretty handsome.