Dave and I went out on Wednesday night.

I almost canceled.  We planned to meet at a coffee place at 7:30.  When I got out of work I started crying as soon as I got into my car.  I'm still stuck in this place where I am afraid to move on and I think about how much I hate that this is where I am right now.  It's so, incredibly scary to start over.  I just get so stressed about it that I almost make myself sick.  I also get so mad at Shawn for doing this to me.  I am where I am because of him.  I know he was able to move on quickly, so quick he couldn't even break up with me first.  It's not easy for me.  Not at all.  And it's his fault I feel so bad about myself.

I knew Shawn so well.  I shared everything with him and I was so comfortable in my life with him.  It's so hard to imagine starting over completely with someone else and getting to the point where I was with him.  So going out on dates is scary.  Everyone tells me not to make a big deal about it, but I can't help it.  It IS a big deal.

But I made myself go.  I stopped crying, got dressed, and met him outside the coffee place. We ordered drinks and sat and talked for two and half hours, until the place closed.  

Of course I walk away from this not knowing how I feel about it.  But I feel like this was a good thing.  I feel like I like him.  I feel like he was easy to talk to for the most part and he made me laugh and it was nice to get out and meet a new person.  He already started talking about seeing me again about an hour into it.  I agreed.  So we're going out again next week sometime.

Have I mentioned how scary this is?  Because he liked me enough to ask me to do something again and he has been texting me, so apparently I'm not as boring or awkward as I think I am.

But I'm still sad.  I still dream about Shawn almost every night and I still want to talk to him and get closure.  I wish he would just give me that so I could move on completely.  But he won't because he doesn't care about me anymore.  He hasn't for a long time.  

In other news, Heather and I went to a spinning class on Tuesday.  That was interesting.  We're going again next week.  I'd really love to get into better shape.  I'm afraid with the cold weather coming and the days getting shorter I'm just going to let myself be lazy, but I want to stay active.

Mom is coming up tomorrow, but I have to work on Sunday.  Meh.

Odin was being very cuddly tonight and I tried to get a picture of it.  Not very good, but you get the gist.  He's a good boy.  I know I talk about him a lot, but he has been a constant source of happiness in my life this year.  If nothing else, at least I got him out of my relationship with Shawn.  I know Shawn doesn't miss me, but I wonder if he ever misses Odin.