All I do is hold onto you

How do I never worry half as much as I know that I should
How do I get so far on such dumb luck when I thought I was good
How do I want so bad to bring about the future
That I'm tearing off the sutures half way through

And every time I build it up some more, with you
And all I do is hold onto it
And all I do is hold onto you

How do I forget how much it meant when you were there when I woke up
How do I forget for just a moment how much meaning I bestowed upon that fleeting little hope

Every time I build it up some more, with you
And all I do is hold onto it
And all I do is hold onto you


Hellogoodbye's album came out last week.  I listened to it about four times on the drive to and from home.  I love it.  The lyrics above are from "I Don't Worry (As Much as I should)."  I first heard it when I was driving home after work on Friday, driving right into the sun as it was going down.  It has kind of a haunting vibe to it and the lyrics hit me pretty hard, especially how it goes on repeating the "all I do is hold onto you" part over and over at the end.  It was a moment when I just felt really, really sad.  Sometimes I feel like these songs were written just for me because they describe so well how I feel.

So yeah, listen to that song.  And the whole album.

I actually got into Hellogoodbye pretty late in the game.  I always liked them, but didn't really start listening to them until they did a tour with Hanson.  They played a show here in Albany a few years ago and Shawn went with me.  I know it wasn't one of his favorite nights, but it's one of my favorite memories with him.  He didn't like Hanson, but he still went with me and stood with me and one point leaned over and kissed me during the show.  I miss that Shawn so much.

...and I know that is all I'm really doing.  I'm holding onto him.  I need to let him go.  I need to just let it all go.  But I just can't.

I had another dream last night.  He came on skype and messaged me.  I can't remember exactly what he said, but I just remember not believing I was actually talking to him.  Then the dream switched and he was home and we were driving somewhere together and things were back to normal.  It felt real, of course.  But it wasn't.  It never is.  It still leaves me with the feeling of being close to him, though.  I've thought about him a lot all day today.

I just don't know what to do to make these feelings and these thoughts go away.

Also, I hate daylight savings.  Kristina and I went out to dinner tonight and when I got home I was like "It's at least 7:00 right now" then looked at the clock and it was actually 5:50.  It's only 6:30 right now and I feel like I need to go to bed soon.  Plus it's freezing outside.  I hate it.

But let's end this on a positive note, Odin on Halloween: