It must be the end of the road 
It must be the end of you and I 
And forever too 
Walking the last bridge alone 
We've given up on the good times 
And the bad we knew 

When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well 
There's still someone 
That I can tell my troubles to 

Me, myself, and I will never be alone 
We'll find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 
Myself and I will never be alone 
We will find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

When did it start getting old? 
When did it stop being worth the time 
Just to see it through? 
I don't want to get used to 'It's over' 
We've already said too much 
To make it new 

When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well 
There's still someone 
That I can tell my troubles to 

Me, myself, and I will never be alone 
We'll find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 
Myself and I will never be alone 
We will find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

Well it's hard to see you don't belong to me 
'Cause I gave you the best part of my life 
Well, I tried to be everything that you want me to be 
But I don't have to give you reasons why 
'Cause all that's left is me, myself, and I 

I'm not gonna try to forget 
Maybe happiness is worth the chance 
Of a bitter end? 
'Cus here at the end of the road 
I don't really care who is right 
I'll give you the last word tonight 

'Cause me, myself, and I will never be alone 
We'll find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 
Myself and I will never be alone 
We will find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

- Hanson, "Me Myself and I"

This music is a place to hide

I wish I could always be as happy as I was yesterday.

I love Hanson.  I really, really do.  Last night was my 25th time seeing them live and I never get tired of it.  During the show last night I was singing along, standing there in the front row and I just remember thinking that I always want to feel like this.  One line from their song Dancing in the Wind goes, "this music is a place to hide" and I feel like that describes how I felt last night, just living in that moment.  I was able to hide from the all of the things I have going on in my head for a little while and just feel genuinely happy.

The whole day was awesome.  From the walk, to the show, and even waiting outside in the cold after the show.  I couldn't feel my feet, but I got to meet Zac, which is far from the first time I've met him, but it's always special for me to meet them when I do.  I think it goes back to me as a kid and loving them and their music and just dreaming about getting to meet them one day.  Now they're just so approachable.  They've been such a huge part of my life since I was 10 years old, so I'll never tire of seeing them live and in person.

So I would describe today as like coming off of a natural high.  I spent all day yesterday with Kristina in my Hanson world, seeing them and seeing friends I haven't seen in a very long time.  I had so many other things on my mind.  But now I'm back and I'm sitting here alone again.

On Monday night I had a thought that Kristina's car didn't have a USB port, so charging my phone could be an issue.  I knew at one point I had a car charger for my iPhone, but I'm pretty sure it's in Shawn's car.  Actually, I'm positive I left it in there.   I ended up borrowing Lindsey's.

I saw my friend Glory yesterday for the first time in probably about 7 years.  We talked about how I've been living in Albany for almost 6 years and she asked me if I lived alone here.  I told her I was living with my boyfriend...but now I'm not.  She didn't push it, she just said she was sorry.

So even on my happiest days I still can't get through it without something coming back to him.

Anyway.  This is me high fiving Taylor Hanson.

...and my grainy, midnight, freezing cold picture with Zac.

My favorties.

Shawn didn't like going to weddings.  We were invited to my friend's wedding in Vegas in a few years ago and I was very excited to go.  He made no secret of not wanting to go.  He told me to go on my own if I wanted to go.

Shawn didn't want to go on vacation to anywhere I wanted to go.  I'd love to go on a cruise or a trip to an island or go somewhere warm when it's cold here.  His ideal vacation was a trip to Russia.

He didn't like theme parks.  He couldn't handle roller coasters.

He never once bought me flowers and didn't really care about our anniversaries or Valentine's day.

He didn't like going to my parent's house with me.  I'd always invite him to go when I went, but he never wanted to.

I never felt like his family ever embraced me.  They were always very nice to me, but I never felt any kind of connection to them and I often told Shawn I didn't think his parents, his mom especially, liked me.  This was all proven to be very true in the way she acted after he left me.  She acted like I didn't matter and showed me zero compassion when we spoke.

I loved him, but he had a lot of traits I didn't love.  There is a small part of me that is excited to meet and be with someone who is happy to do things like going to weddings with me and wants to go on vacations with me and buy me flowers for no reason and happily go with me to see my parents.  Someone whose family likes me and makes me feel welcome.

This isn't to say he was a terrible boyfriend because he wasn't.  We didn't always agree and he didn't always act the way I would have liked, but he was there for me through a lot.  He was with me when both of my dogs died.  He held me while I cried and did his best to try to comfort me.  He did the same when my grandmother passed away in 2011.  He came to the hospital with me when she was sick and helped me through that terrible time.

He made me laugh and he was my best friend and after everything I still have no idea how he could do what he did to me and that's why I can't move on.  I want to.  I want to kick him out of my head and find someone new.  I want it so bad.  I want to find the person I described above.

...and when I am ready to move on I'm very afraid I'm not going to find him.  I'm so scared I'm going to be alone and never meet anyone.  I don't know how it's going to happen.  I feel like I'm running out of time, which I know is silly because I'm only 27.

I wonder what I missed out on when I was spending those 4 years with a person who didn't really love me and could just up and leave me without a second thought.

Sorry, I know I've said a lot of this before.  It's hard.  I always have the same thoughts running through my mind constantly.  It's maddening.  It sucks.

I the bright, non-Shawn related side, I only work tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday this week.  I'm headed to New Jersey with Kristina on Tuesday to see Hanson and I have Wednesday off.  After this week I have the whole next week off and I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with my family.

Thanksgiving pretty much marks the year anniversary of when stuff started to go downhill. But I'm trying not to think about it.  I try not to think about a lot of things.  It doesn't really work.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head

I used to not be able to fall asleep with the TV on.  I needed silence...or mostly silence.  When I was growing up in my parent's house I would fall asleep in my room to the sounds of TVs on in other rooms of the house, usually from my parent's room across the hall or my brother's room directly below mine.  I could usually hear the TV downstairs in the living room if it was on.  So still to this day I sometimes think I hear the muffled sounds a TV when I'm trying to sleep, even if there isn't one on anywhere near me.

Then I moved in with Shawn and we got a Wii.  For two Christmas's in a row I got him the newest NHL hockey games.  He would usually wait until I went to bed then play his game because I always went to bed before him.  Sometimes he would stay up for hours and not come to bed until 2 or 3 am.  So I would fall asleep to the sound of his hockey game, the sound of the stick hitting the puck.  After he left I still thought I heard it sometimes, like I thought I heard TVs at my house.

So ever since he left I've had a new bed routine.  I need to fall asleep with the TV on now.  I usually stay up until at least 11 so I can fall asleep to Friends on Nick at Nite.  I need sound.  It helps me not think about the things I constantly think about or else I'd never let myself sleep.  It also drowns out the sound of the game that I think I'm hearing...or at least what I thought I was hearing after he left.  I probably wouldn't hear it anymore.

The Wii stopped working a few months back, so I gave it to my brother to hook up at his house so I could know if it was the actual Wii or the wires that plug into it.  The Wii was fine and my brother ejected the game that was on it...Shawn's hockey game.  The last night we spent together was probably the last night he played it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this stuff.  It's just something I was thinking about.  I feel like everything I do relates back to him in some way.


Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness 
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted 
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight

My first sign that today wasn't going to be a very good day came this morning when I was driving into work.  As soon as I got on campus I saw a man walking his two dogs.  He had one a leash walking with him then about 10 feet behind them was the other one, obviously very old.  He limped along, following, without a leash.  It broke my heart.  I teared up right there.

After that things were going alright until Kristina stopped in.  Sue and I were both at the book information desk and she came up to say Hi.  We talked a little and then she asked Sue if she was coming to dinner tonight.  Sue said she probably would.  They confirmed plans, meeting at Chili's at 5.  Kristina said her friend would be coming too, to hang out.  Neither one of them asked me if I wanted to come.  They discussed their plans in front of me, but never invited me along.

I know it sounds so high school, but it really hurt my feelings and I let it ruin my day.  I sent Kristina a text at lunch asking her if she wanted to walk the dogs tonight after she had dinner.  She never texted back.

So I came home after work and sat on the couch alone and cried some more.  I would have loved to have gone out to dinner tonight and hung out with friends instead of crying and feeling bad about myself.

I know I've written about my low self-esteem before.  I've always felt pretty down on myself.  This is hard to explain, but I've never felt like anyone has ever worked very hard to be around me.  There are people I've had in my life that I just want to be around and I care what they think of me.  I don't think I've ever been that person to anyone.  Maybe I was that to Shawn for a while, but that obviously changed.  I know my friends care about me.  I know Kristina and Sue care, but neither of them thought they should ask me to come out with them.  It's little things like that that make me feel badly about myself.  Like there is something wrong with me.  I see no other reason for not inviting me other than they just rather I not be there.

Of course it figures that I would be with the guy who decides after four years that I'm just not worth it anymore and it's better to just stop talking me.  Because I'm not important enough to keep in his life.

So this is why I worry about my future.  I just don't know how anyone is going to find me interesting or want to get to know me.  I don't want to do online dating anymore because it just stresses me out so much, so I have no idea how I'm going to find someone.

I know I need to change something in my life.  I need to get up and do something and figure out how to move on.  I just have absolutely no idea how to do it or how to make myself do it.

I really thought I'd be better off by now.

And I just don't understand how a good thing becomes bad

So I was watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer repeat  a couple days ago.  Michelle Branch was on it performing "Goodbye to You" for the last scene of the episode.  I used to love Michelle Branch and had a kinda weird connection to her (she used to post on Hanson's old message boards and promote her website like crazy before she was famous).  Anyway, I've had that song stuck in my head ever since.  I never knew how much the lyrics would ring true in my life.  Because seriously:

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

And I said goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto


That's my life.  Except I didn't get to say goodbye to him.  He didn't let me.  He took control of everything, cut me out of it, and didn't let me have any say.  In fact the last words I said to him out loud were, "I love you."  The last words he said to me out loud were, "I love you, too."  I didn't know I was actually saying goodbye that night.

Mom came up for the weekend and left this afternoon.  After she left I started getting really sad again so I tried to keep myself busy.  I texted Kristina, but she's working until close today.  So I did laundry, went outside and raked the yard a little bit, then came in and decided to shred a bunch of mail that I've had piling up.

When and Shawn and I first got our paper shredder we sat down to find the perfect picture of Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and we hooked his printer up, printed it out and taped it to the front of the shredder.  Shredder's picture is still there and it's just another memory of the silly things we used to do.

I had another dream the other night. This time he was home and we were here in the house in the bedroom.  I noted that he came home and didn't stay over there for "5 years" and he said yeah, he didn't really expect to to actually stay that long.  Then I brought up that he doesn't have his phone number anymore and he said he was going to give me his new number.

Waking up from these dreams is the absolute worst.  I just don't know how to move on when every night I'm with him in my head.

I don't think I'm going to decorate for Christmas this year.  The last few years being in my own place (well, places) I've always been very excited to put lights up.  This year, not so much.  Christmas to me has always meant togetherness and being with family.  The lights and the tree make the place feel nice and comfortable.  Now that I'm alone...I don't know.  It would only be for me.  It's also more electricity which I don't need to use.  I'm already freezing in my house because I don't want to use the heat very much.

I'm so ready for this year to be over.  2013 will go down in the record books as the worst year of my life.  2014 will be started off right though, since it was just announced that Hanson will be playing a free show in Syracuse on New Years eve.  I'm definitely looking forward to this.  At least I won't be sitting at home alone feeling depressed that night.

I also need to change my groupon settings.  I set them a long time ago and put things for couples as one of the deals I'd like to see.  Today I got a suggested deal for a married-name changing service.  Thanks for that, groupon.

Weak moment tonight.  I sent Shawn a text message.

...which led to my heart jumping in my throat when I got a text back.  But as it turns out, that number I've had for Shawn ever since I met him is no longer his.  The person who replied asked who I was and then told me they just got the number a few weeks ago when they got their new phone.

I guess it makes sense.  But since Shawn's still in my phone under his name I thought he still had his phone (and his number).  Last time someone I knew changed their phone and their number their name went away on my contacts and it was just the old phone number instead.  So I sent a text thinking he'd get it when he got home or the next time he turned his phone on.

This isn't really any new information.  But I kinda feel like crying again.  I guess I thought that well, if he won't reply to my e-mails I still have his phone number just in case.  Now I don't.  He told me he took his cell phone with him (while his mom lied to me and told me he didn't).  Guess he doesn't need it now.  I wonder if this means he really isn't coming back by the end of the year.

I shouldn't care about this.  I shouldn't be going back through and reading our old texts and just torturing myself.  I should be moving on and not caring about anything he does or trying to contact him.

I know exactly what I should be doing.  I just don't know how to do it.

All I do is hold onto you

How do I never worry half as much as I know that I should
How do I get so far on such dumb luck when I thought I was good
How do I want so bad to bring about the future
That I'm tearing off the sutures half way through

And every time I build it up some more, with you
And all I do is hold onto it
And all I do is hold onto you

How do I forget how much it meant when you were there when I woke up
How do I forget for just a moment how much meaning I bestowed upon that fleeting little hope

Every time I build it up some more, with you
And all I do is hold onto it
And all I do is hold onto you


Hellogoodbye's album came out last week.  I listened to it about four times on the drive to and from home.  I love it.  The lyrics above are from "I Don't Worry (As Much as I should)."  I first heard it when I was driving home after work on Friday, driving right into the sun as it was going down.  It has kind of a haunting vibe to it and the lyrics hit me pretty hard, especially how it goes on repeating the "all I do is hold onto you" part over and over at the end.  It was a moment when I just felt really, really sad.  Sometimes I feel like these songs were written just for me because they describe so well how I feel.

So yeah, listen to that song.  And the whole album.

I actually got into Hellogoodbye pretty late in the game.  I always liked them, but didn't really start listening to them until they did a tour with Hanson.  They played a show here in Albany a few years ago and Shawn went with me.  I know it wasn't one of his favorite nights, but it's one of my favorite memories with him.  He didn't like Hanson, but he still went with me and stood with me and one point leaned over and kissed me during the show.  I miss that Shawn so much.

...and I know that is all I'm really doing.  I'm holding onto him.  I need to let him go.  I need to just let it all go.  But I just can't.

I had another dream last night.  He came on skype and messaged me.  I can't remember exactly what he said, but I just remember not believing I was actually talking to him.  Then the dream switched and he was home and we were driving somewhere together and things were back to normal.  It felt real, of course.  But it wasn't.  It never is.  It still leaves me with the feeling of being close to him, though.  I've thought about him a lot all day today.

I just don't know what to do to make these feelings and these thoughts go away.

Also, I hate daylight savings.  Kristina and I went out to dinner tonight and when I got home I was like "It's at least 7:00 right now" then looked at the clock and it was actually 5:50.  It's only 6:30 right now and I feel like I need to go to bed soon.  Plus it's freezing outside.  I hate it.

But let's end this on a positive note, Odin on Halloween: