My first sign that today wasn't going to be a very good day came this morning when I was driving into work.  As soon as I got on campus I saw a man walking his two dogs.  He had one a leash walking with him then about 10 feet behind them was the other one, obviously very old.  He limped along, following, without a leash.  It broke my heart.  I teared up right there.

After that things were going alright until Kristina stopped in.  Sue and I were both at the book information desk and she came up to say Hi.  We talked a little and then she asked Sue if she was coming to dinner tonight.  Sue said she probably would.  They confirmed plans, meeting at Chili's at 5.  Kristina said her friend would be coming too, to hang out.  Neither one of them asked me if I wanted to come.  They discussed their plans in front of me, but never invited me along.

I know it sounds so high school, but it really hurt my feelings and I let it ruin my day.  I sent Kristina a text at lunch asking her if she wanted to walk the dogs tonight after she had dinner.  She never texted back.

So I came home after work and sat on the couch alone and cried some more.  I would have loved to have gone out to dinner tonight and hung out with friends instead of crying and feeling bad about myself.

I know I've written about my low self-esteem before.  I've always felt pretty down on myself.  This is hard to explain, but I've never felt like anyone has ever worked very hard to be around me.  There are people I've had in my life that I just want to be around and I care what they think of me.  I don't think I've ever been that person to anyone.  Maybe I was that to Shawn for a while, but that obviously changed.  I know my friends care about me.  I know Kristina and Sue care, but neither of them thought they should ask me to come out with them.  It's little things like that that make me feel badly about myself.  Like there is something wrong with me.  I see no other reason for not inviting me other than they just rather I not be there.

Of course it figures that I would be with the guy who decides after four years that I'm just not worth it anymore and it's better to just stop talking me.  Because I'm not important enough to keep in his life.

So this is why I worry about my future.  I just don't know how anyone is going to find me interesting or want to get to know me.  I don't want to do online dating anymore because it just stresses me out so much, so I have no idea how I'm going to find someone.

I know I need to change something in my life.  I need to get up and do something and figure out how to move on.  I just have absolutely no idea how to do it or how to make myself do it.

I really thought I'd be better off by now.