So I was watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer repeat a couple days ago. Michelle Branch was on it performing "Goodbye to You" for the last scene of the episode. I used to love Michelle Branch and had a kinda weird connection to her (she used to post on Hanson's old message boards and promote her website like crazy before she was famous). Anyway, I've had that song stuck in my head ever since. I never knew how much the lyrics would ring true in my life. Because seriously:
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
That's my life. Except I didn't get to say goodbye to him. He didn't let me. He took control of everything, cut me out of it, and didn't let me have any say. In fact the last words I said to him out loud were, "I love you." The last words he said to me out loud were, "I love you, too." I didn't know I was actually saying goodbye that night.
Mom came up for the weekend and left this afternoon. After she left I started getting really sad again so I tried to keep myself busy. I texted Kristina, but she's working until close today. So I did laundry, went outside and raked the yard a little bit, then came in and decided to shred a bunch of mail that I've had piling up.
When and Shawn and I first got our paper shredder we sat down to find the perfect picture of Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and we hooked his printer up, printed it out and taped it to the front of the shredder. Shredder's picture is still there and it's just another memory of the silly things we used to do.
I had another dream the other night. This time he was home and we were here in the house in the bedroom. I noted that he came home and didn't stay over there for "5 years" and he said yeah, he didn't really expect to to actually stay that long. Then I brought up that he doesn't have his phone number anymore and he said he was going to give me his new number.
Waking up from these dreams is the absolute worst. I just don't know how to move on when every night I'm with him in my head.
I don't think I'm going to decorate for Christmas this year. The last few years being in my own place (well, places) I've always been very excited to put lights up. This year, not so much. Christmas to me has always meant togetherness and being with family. The lights and the tree make the place feel nice and comfortable. Now that I'm alone...I don't know. It would only be for me. It's also more electricity which I don't need to use. I'm already freezing in my house because I don't want to use the heat very much.
I'm so ready for this year to be over. 2013 will go down in the record books as the worst year of my life. 2014 will be started off right though, since it was just announced that Hanson will be playing a free show in Syracuse on New Years eve. I'm definitely looking forward to this. At least I won't be sitting at home alone feeling depressed that night.
I also need to change my groupon settings. I set them a long time ago and put things for couples as one of the deals I'd like to see. Today I got a suggested deal for a married-name changing service. Thanks for that, groupon.
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