Shawn didn't like going to weddings.  We were invited to my friend's wedding in Vegas in a few years ago and I was very excited to go.  He made no secret of not wanting to go.  He told me to go on my own if I wanted to go.

Shawn didn't want to go on vacation to anywhere I wanted to go.  I'd love to go on a cruise or a trip to an island or go somewhere warm when it's cold here.  His ideal vacation was a trip to Russia.

He didn't like theme parks.  He couldn't handle roller coasters.

He never once bought me flowers and didn't really care about our anniversaries or Valentine's day.

He didn't like going to my parent's house with me.  I'd always invite him to go when I went, but he never wanted to.

I never felt like his family ever embraced me.  They were always very nice to me, but I never felt any kind of connection to them and I often told Shawn I didn't think his parents, his mom especially, liked me.  This was all proven to be very true in the way she acted after he left me.  She acted like I didn't matter and showed me zero compassion when we spoke.

I loved him, but he had a lot of traits I didn't love.  There is a small part of me that is excited to meet and be with someone who is happy to do things like going to weddings with me and wants to go on vacations with me and buy me flowers for no reason and happily go with me to see my parents.  Someone whose family likes me and makes me feel welcome.

This isn't to say he was a terrible boyfriend because he wasn't.  We didn't always agree and he didn't always act the way I would have liked, but he was there for me through a lot.  He was with me when both of my dogs died.  He held me while I cried and did his best to try to comfort me.  He did the same when my grandmother passed away in 2011.  He came to the hospital with me when she was sick and helped me through that terrible time.

He made me laugh and he was my best friend and after everything I still have no idea how he could do what he did to me and that's why I can't move on.  I want to.  I want to kick him out of my head and find someone new.  I want it so bad.  I want to find the person I described above.

...and when I am ready to move on I'm very afraid I'm not going to find him.  I'm so scared I'm going to be alone and never meet anyone.  I don't know how it's going to happen.  I feel like I'm running out of time, which I know is silly because I'm only 27.

I wonder what I missed out on when I was spending those 4 years with a person who didn't really love me and could just up and leave me without a second thought.

Sorry, I know I've said a lot of this before.  It's hard.  I always have the same thoughts running through my mind constantly.  It's maddening.  It sucks.

I the bright, non-Shawn related side, I only work tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday this week.  I'm headed to New Jersey with Kristina on Tuesday to see Hanson and I have Wednesday off.  After this week I have the whole next week off and I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with my family.

Thanksgiving pretty much marks the year anniversary of when stuff started to go downhill. But I'm trying not to think about it.  I try not to think about a lot of things.  It doesn't really work.