A year ago today I was doing exactly what I am now, baking cookies for work tomorrow.  Only, Shawn isn't here to eat a bunch of them.  I think last New Year's eve was the last time I remember feeling truly content.  I mean, the China thing was looming and Shawn had begun to act like a weirdo, but he was still him and we were still us and I came home after work to him here in the house cleaning the bathroom while the TV was on and Odin was there to greet me at the door.  I just remember feeling happy at that moment, thinking how nice it was to come home to.  Then we went out to shop for some alcohol to drink that night, most of which ended up sitting in the fridge until well into this year.  Then we just sat on the couch with each other, watching a movie and waiting for the ball to drop.  It was nice.  Thinking back on it makes me sad.  I just had no idea what was ahead for me.  I had no idea what the man I was sitting next to was going to do to me.  I didn't know what 2013 was going to turn out to be.  It was only just a few days after that that he left while I was at work and never came back.

I can't believe it has been almost exactly one year since I had him here in person.  Since I gave him that last kiss.  He's still the last person that I kissed.

This year has sucked.  2013 will go down as the worst year of my life.  I have never felt so miserable and completely helpless in my life.  I've never felt so down and ruined.  I've never felt so horrible about myself.

These are all feelings I want to get rid of in 2014.  I want to just let it all go, but it's easier said than done.  I guess my resolution for next year will be moving on.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to.  I'm still to this day, clinging so hard to my old life with Shawn.  He let go of that before he even ended things with me.  I can't let go of it and we've been officially broken up since March.  This healing process is going way slower than I would like it to.

Anyway, with all that said, I had a very good time in Boston this weekend.  The Celtics won and I got to see some new things and be out and about, which is something I need to do more of next year.  Bars aren't really my favorite places to hang out, but it was fine.  If I actually liked the taste of beer I probably would liked the places we went to a lot better.  My brother is still convinced he can get me to like beer.  He had me try everything he drank.  I couldn't stand the taste of 95% of it.

We're back to Boston in February for another game.  I'm looking forward to it.

Here was our view at the game:

It looks super far away, but it was actually a great view.

Justin annoyed me, but I did my best to not let it show that I was disgusted by him.  It was pretty interesting to see the other side, though.  He still wears his wedding ring even though he refuses to speak to his wife.  He still has his dogs as his lock screen on his phone, but he doesn't have them anymore.  But he didn't utter one mention on Erin the entire time.

So now that Monday is out of the way, tomorrow is back to more fun.  It's off to Syracuse after I get out of work at 2.  I'm going to see my friend Ashley who I haven't seen in years and we're going to see Hanson.  I'm really looking forward to it.  At least I'm not going to spend the beginning of 2014 alone on my couch.

This will likely be the last entry of 2013.  Here's hoping the 2014 blogs will be more positive.

Christmas was nice.  It was a good two days of relaxing.  I decided to stay at mom and dad's last night and drive up to Albany this morning, which was a bad move.  We somehow missed that there would be a winter storm in the morning, so I had to drive back up here in it.  It was awful.  I was completely stressed out.  My car was sliding and I was super scared I was going to go off the road.  Worst snow driving weather I've ever been in.

But I got back up here and got back just in time for work.  I spent most of the day feeling jittery and tired.  When 4 rolled around I was so ready to go home, but my manager made us all stay until a little after 5.  Oh well.  More money.

My Christmas present from Chris and Lindsey was a trip to Boston this weekend.  We're going to stay the night and go to a Celtics game.  Everyone was in the surprise, even my managers since Chris and Lindsey originally thought they were going to have to leave on Friday so I would have had to leave work early, but we're leaving Saturday morning instead.  I'm excited!  I like trips.

But this news came with a little bit of very disappointing news.  Chris and Lindsey have these friends, Justin and Erin.  I don't know them very well, but they hung out and their house a lot so I got to know them a little bit.  They have two boston terriers, Lucky and Lucy that Odin likes to play with.  Lucky loved Shawn.  I have a cute picture of us sitting on the couch with all of the dogs at a party and Lucky is perched on Shawn's shoulder.

Anyway.  Justin and Erin were engaged and got married this summer.  I think in August or September, so not that long ago.  Well apparently Justin pulled a Shawn and has completely cut Erin off.  He won't talk to her and she doesn't know why.  She just said something snapped in him after they got married and now they're getting divorced.  She has already moved out of their apartment with the dogs.  He has asked her not to contact him in any way.

Well, Justin is coming with us to Boston.  Chris and Lindsey are not happy with him and he wouldn't be coming if they hadn't planned this so long ago.  They're not planning to hang out with him again after this.  I don't know how I'm going to tolerate being around him, knowing what he's doing and knowing exactly how Erin is feeling.  I guess I can be thankful I wasn't married when everything fell apart.

This is news I would like to share with Shawn.  I bet he'd be surprised to learn that they're getting divorced, but I guess he can't be too surprised since he went crazy, too.  None of what either of them did was normal.  How do they live with themselves?

So I've been thinking about Erin a lot.  Like I said, I don't know her well at all, but I always liked her and she seemed really sweet and I feel for her.

...and on that sad note, I'm going to head to bed.  At 9:00.  I super tired and I washed my sheets tonight so I'm excited about that.  My life is so sad.

It's Christmas Eve.  I worked until 5 last night then drove home.  I have to work on Thursday, though so I'm headed back up to Albany tomorrow night.  I think that also adds to my not feeling very Christmassy this year.  I had the weekend, I worked for one day, I get two days off for Christmas Eve and Christmas then it's back to work.  Plus we're not going anywhere tomorrow, which also makes it weird.  We used to go to my cousin's house every year, but that changed a couple years ago.  Last year we went to Lindsey's mom house, but we're not going this year.  Chris and Lindsey will be here tomorrow for a while then they have to head back to Albany too.

I went a couple nights without any Shawn dreams.  I even had a dream about a guy I used to have a crush on when I was like 18.  It was weird.  But nice to have another guy in my dreams.  But then last night it went back to Shawn.  He was back and we were back together.  For some reason we were staying in the hotel room we stayed at in New York when we went to there for the 4th of July a few years back.  We were just lying in bed talking and I told him he had to give me his new cell phone number since his old one wasn't his anymore and we talked about how weird it was that someone else is using his old phone number.

...and once again, it felt incredibly real.  Which makes everything hurt even more.

On Monday I wished people a Merry Christmas Eve Eve and every time, in the back of my head I heard him saying, "not a thing!"

Ugghhhhh.  I want to stop obsessing over this.  Like I don't even know what to do anymore.  I feel like I'm just never going to move on.  I'm just always going to be stuck in this sad place and I'm never going to meet anyone else.

Blah.  Merry Christmas.

I Hope You Suffer

Also, I decided to finally listen to AFI's new album tonight.  I just listened to "I Hope You Suffer" and wow does that song speak to me.  I wish I could get that angry because those lyrics pretty much describe how I wish I could feel instead of being so sad.

I got two letters from you
Last words of the runaway
Your love was written so true
and now I can't speak your name
I faced destruction and you just killed me and walked away
I gave my heart to the cruel
Now it will not beat again

I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
Just like I suffered

No one will ever know you
Deny the last one who cares
Intoxicate with the new
Pretend I'm no longer here
I opened my heart to you
You lied just to reach inside

Now with the faith you removed our hope for forgiveness dies

I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
Just like I suffered

I've seen my darkest days
You gave each one to me
I've seen my darkest days
You gave each one to me
You have been lost for days
May find my darkness

I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
Just like I, I fucking suffered

Just like you
You made me suffer
I hope you, I hope you do

It has been a busy week.  I've worked open to close every day.  But it's over now, yay!

On Wednesday after work I went with Chris and Lindsey to see Anchorman 2.  It was hilarious and I loved it, but of course since everything I do comes back to Shawn, I just kept thinking about how he and I were so excited when we learned about the sequel.  During the week he talked to me when he was in China we talked about him coming home and how he would be back in time for the Anchorman 2 premiere and we would see it together.

Then today I bought back a book from a student that had Shawn's initials in it.  That's happened a few times.  I'm not sure if I've talked about this before, but when we take books back we write our initials and the date on the inside cover.  Whenever I open a book and see his initials inside, my stomach drops a little bit.  I'm not sure why it bothers me so much.  His stupid, ugly handwriting.

My dream last night was weird.  I was having dinner with Shawn and his family.  We were sitting at the same table, but he refused to acknowledge me.  His mom tried talking to me.  I can't remember what she said, but I did want to start crying right there at the table.  I just wanted so badly for him to turn and just look at me.  But he didn't.

To this day I still can't believe I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that horrible break up e-mail.  I just absolutely cannot believe he hasn't even cared to check in on me.  I like to think that in the back of his head he is completely ashamed of what he did.  But it would have been nice if he had at least written me at some point this year.  He has no idea what he's done to me and how he's made me feel about myself.  I just wish I could make him feel the pain I've felt this past year.  But I don't even exist to him anymore.  It's like I never mattered.

I don't know how to get over this.  I want to go just one day where I don't think about him.

So in my dream last night I was talking to Shawn online.  We were talking on AIM, which is how we used to talk when we were just friends.  He was still in China and I  was like, "so you're really not coming back?" and he said he wasn't this year, but he would be back and started talking like we were still together and telling me about all the stuff has done and things he has bought me over there.  That's all I can remember about it really.

Why can't I be one of those people who can't remember their dreams?  

I've done absolutely nothing today.  I slept in until 10, which was nice.  Then the day went by really quickly and I'm not sure why.  

Chris and Lindsey are having a holiday party tonight.  They have one every year and Shawn and I usually went.  I considered going by myself, but I decided not to.  We're having a snow storm at the moment and the roads are terrible, I'm sure.  But I probably wouldn't have gone even if it wasn't snowing.  Doing things like that alone still bums me out.

In other news, I learned Spencer and his girlfriend broke up a few days ago.  Apparently he stopped by the store yesterday.  I didn't see him, but I was told he had two black eyes.  No idea what the happened.  His facebook doesn't give any details.  But his relationship with that girl lasted way longer than I thought it would.  

Well, I guess I'll go back to my very productive night of sitting on my couch waiting for SNL to come on.

Come on, Parenthood.  I'm not supposed to cry watching Parenthood!

Spoilers for Parenthood!

I didn't really root for Ryan and Amber because he's such a robot.  But in the last episode he snapped and beat someone up over her.  So now in tonight's episode Amber was all conflicted about what to do about her relationship and in the end she came to the conclusion that she still wanted to make things work, despite everything because she loved him and couldn't picture a future without him.  She told him all this while he just sat there silently.  Then he was all, "I can't do this life, I reenlisted, it's done."  Then she lost it and I could just feel what this fictional character was feeling...to have everything ripped away from you when you tried so hard to make it work and didn't give up.  To have the other person just give up and decide it's over without even letting you have a say.  

Blah.

I hope I'm done wallowing and relating every single thing to my situation soon.

He showed up in my dreams again last night.  I was in the city for some reason and I saw him drive by.  I wondered why he was in the city and I wondered if he would stop to talk to me.  He didn't.

So I decided to stay up here this weekend rather than going home since we're supposed to get a snow storm.  I was on the fence about it, but then Steph messaged me and asked me to come over to her new house tomorrow night, so I'm headed there after work tomorrow night.  Looking forward to it.

Next week is finals week so I'm working open to close every day.  Long hours, but that means more money, which I could definitely use right now.

...and that's all for tonight.

Last night I dreamt that Shawn had come home.  We were sitting here on the couch and I just couldn't believe he was here.  It felt so, incredibly real.  Most of them do, but this one was just so clear and vivid.

I said, "can I ask you something?" and he said I could ask anything.  I said, "were you dating someone else when you were in China?" and he said, "does it matter, I'm here now, aren't I?" and then I asked him if he slept with her and he didn't answer and I said, "so, you did."  He seemed so nonchalant about it.  That's the part of the dream I remember most.  But he was there, in front of me.  It was him and he sounded the same and looked the same.

Then I woke up at 3 am and just wanted to cry.  It's so weird to wake up from these dreams.  Because I'm with him and then he's just gone.

Odin and I went for a walk alone tonight around the neighborhood.  Lots of people have their lights up and it's nice to look at.  I decided not to do any decorating this year.  Last year I put lights in the front window.  But I just not up to it now.  I also have a small tree in the basement that we've put up for the past two years, but that will stay down there this year.

I can't believe Christmas is in two weeks.  This year really did fly by, which is crazy because I feel like it should have gone slower with how miserable I was.

That's all I got for tonight.  Hope there will be no dreams tonight.

Well, this is stupid.

Kristina and I planned to walk the dogs tonight and she told me 4:30 would be a good time, but she would text me when she left her house.  So 4:30 came and there was no text, but that's not unusual.  Then 5:00 rolled around without a text, still not unusual, but I decided I'd text her and see what was up anyway.  When I went to text her I got a text from her saying, "leaving now" so I got up and got bundled up and took Odin out.  I walked down the street, didn't see her.  I walked down to her street, still didn't see her.  So I texted her and asked where she was.  Apparently she had texted me that she was leaving at 4:30, but my phone didn't give me the text until 5.  So she and her husband went on a walk without me and she wasn't up to going on another one right then, but then said we could go for a walk around 7 instead.  So I showered and did laundry so I didn't have to do that stuff when I got back.  I was getting ready to go out again when she texted me to say she didn't really feel like walking tonight after all.

So of course now I'm crying about it.  I feel like such a baby.  It's just like...I live my life waiting for distractions and I honestly look forward to our walks, but when we don't go out I just sit here alone some more.  They give me something to look forward to.

Then I just think that I'm sitting here crying while Kristina is at home with her husband, not alone.  The walks probably don't mean to her what they mean to me because she always has someone to come home to.

It has just been a really weird week.  I think it was on Wednesday that I came home from work and slammed my finger in the screen door.  It hurt so much and I lost it and couldn't stop crying all night.  I just got so mad and sad and the feeling stayed with me through the next day and I'm not sure its really gone away.  Mom came up this weekend and that was nice and I've been fine all weekend and thought I was doing okay when she left, but the walk thing really set me off tonight.

I'm just...blah.  I had a Shawn dream the other night where I saw him on the street and he ignored me.  Makes sense.

My last blog felt kinda hopeful, I know.  I'm not feeling all that hopeful at the moment.

I had typed out a long blog about last year's Thanksgiving and how Shawn's family spent it here in this house while I went home and how I came home to him...but I realize I need to stop living in the past.

My thoughts are constantly consumed Shawn and how things used to be and how things aren't like that anymore.  I need to find a way to cut it off.

I came back to Albany yesterday after spending a week at home.  It was nice and I enjoyed being with my family.  I cried when I left because I just hated the thought of coming back up here to be alone.

It's December.  Shawn could possibly be home now if he decided not to stay.  But that doesn't matter.  What matters is it's almost the end of the worst year of my life.  I keep hearing Shawn's voice in my head telling me that, "2014 is going to be a good a year for us." Well, that was a lie.  But I want to do all I can to make sure 2014 is a good year for me.  I need to stop wallowing.  I need to do something.  I don't know exactly what that something is, but I need to figure it out.  I need to set some goals.  I need to not dwell on things anymore.  I know I keep saying that, but I really want to mean it this time.

While I figure that out, here are a couple pictures from last week.