It's Christmas Eve.  I worked until 5 last night then drove home.  I have to work on Thursday, though so I'm headed back up to Albany tomorrow night.  I think that also adds to my not feeling very Christmassy this year.  I had the weekend, I worked for one day, I get two days off for Christmas Eve and Christmas then it's back to work.  Plus we're not going anywhere tomorrow, which also makes it weird.  We used to go to my cousin's house every year, but that changed a couple years ago.  Last year we went to Lindsey's mom house, but we're not going this year.  Chris and Lindsey will be here tomorrow for a while then they have to head back to Albany too.

I went a couple nights without any Shawn dreams.  I even had a dream about a guy I used to have a crush on when I was like 18.  It was weird.  But nice to have another guy in my dreams.  But then last night it went back to Shawn.  He was back and we were back together.  For some reason we were staying in the hotel room we stayed at in New York when we went to there for the 4th of July a few years back.  We were just lying in bed talking and I told him he had to give me his new cell phone number since his old one wasn't his anymore and we talked about how weird it was that someone else is using his old phone number.

...and once again, it felt incredibly real.  Which makes everything hurt even more.

On Monday I wished people a Merry Christmas Eve Eve and every time, in the back of my head I heard him saying, "not a thing!"

Ugghhhhh.  I want to stop obsessing over this.  Like I don't even know what to do anymore.  I feel like I'm just never going to move on.  I'm just always going to be stuck in this sad place and I'm never going to meet anyone else.

Blah.  Merry Christmas.