Last night I dreamt that Shawn had come home.  We were sitting here on the couch and I just couldn't believe he was here.  It felt so, incredibly real.  Most of them do, but this one was just so clear and vivid.

I said, "can I ask you something?" and he said I could ask anything.  I said, "were you dating someone else when you were in China?" and he said, "does it matter, I'm here now, aren't I?" and then I asked him if he slept with her and he didn't answer and I said, "so, you did."  He seemed so nonchalant about it.  That's the part of the dream I remember most.  But he was there, in front of me.  It was him and he sounded the same and looked the same.

Then I woke up at 3 am and just wanted to cry.  It's so weird to wake up from these dreams.  Because I'm with him and then he's just gone.

Odin and I went for a walk alone tonight around the neighborhood.  Lots of people have their lights up and it's nice to look at.  I decided not to do any decorating this year.  Last year I put lights in the front window.  But I just not up to it now.  I also have a small tree in the basement that we've put up for the past two years, but that will stay down there this year.

I can't believe Christmas is in two weeks.  This year really did fly by, which is crazy because I feel like it should have gone slower with how miserable I was.

That's all I got for tonight.  Hope there will be no dreams tonight.