It has been a busy week.  I've worked open to close every day.  But it's over now, yay!

On Wednesday after work I went with Chris and Lindsey to see Anchorman 2.  It was hilarious and I loved it, but of course since everything I do comes back to Shawn, I just kept thinking about how he and I were so excited when we learned about the sequel.  During the week he talked to me when he was in China we talked about him coming home and how he would be back in time for the Anchorman 2 premiere and we would see it together.

Then today I bought back a book from a student that had Shawn's initials in it.  That's happened a few times.  I'm not sure if I've talked about this before, but when we take books back we write our initials and the date on the inside cover.  Whenever I open a book and see his initials inside, my stomach drops a little bit.  I'm not sure why it bothers me so much.  His stupid, ugly handwriting.

My dream last night was weird.  I was having dinner with Shawn and his family.  We were sitting at the same table, but he refused to acknowledge me.  His mom tried talking to me.  I can't remember what she said, but I did want to start crying right there at the table.  I just wanted so badly for him to turn and just look at me.  But he didn't.

To this day I still can't believe I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that horrible break up e-mail.  I just absolutely cannot believe he hasn't even cared to check in on me.  I like to think that in the back of his head he is completely ashamed of what he did.  But it would have been nice if he had at least written me at some point this year.  He has no idea what he's done to me and how he's made me feel about myself.  I just wish I could make him feel the pain I've felt this past year.  But I don't even exist to him anymore.  It's like I never mattered.

I don't know how to get over this.  I want to go just one day where I don't think about him.