Well, this is stupid.

Kristina and I planned to walk the dogs tonight and she told me 4:30 would be a good time, but she would text me when she left her house.  So 4:30 came and there was no text, but that's not unusual.  Then 5:00 rolled around without a text, still not unusual, but I decided I'd text her and see what was up anyway.  When I went to text her I got a text from her saying, "leaving now" so I got up and got bundled up and took Odin out.  I walked down the street, didn't see her.  I walked down to her street, still didn't see her.  So I texted her and asked where she was.  Apparently she had texted me that she was leaving at 4:30, but my phone didn't give me the text until 5.  So she and her husband went on a walk without me and she wasn't up to going on another one right then, but then said we could go for a walk around 7 instead.  So I showered and did laundry so I didn't have to do that stuff when I got back.  I was getting ready to go out again when she texted me to say she didn't really feel like walking tonight after all.

So of course now I'm crying about it.  I feel like such a baby.  It's just like...I live my life waiting for distractions and I honestly look forward to our walks, but when we don't go out I just sit here alone some more.  They give me something to look forward to.

Then I just think that I'm sitting here crying while Kristina is at home with her husband, not alone.  The walks probably don't mean to her what they mean to me because she always has someone to come home to.

It has just been a really weird week.  I think it was on Wednesday that I came home from work and slammed my finger in the screen door.  It hurt so much and I lost it and couldn't stop crying all night.  I just got so mad and sad and the feeling stayed with me through the next day and I'm not sure its really gone away.  Mom came up this weekend and that was nice and I've been fine all weekend and thought I was doing okay when she left, but the walk thing really set me off tonight.

I'm just...blah.  I had a Shawn dream the other night where I saw him on the street and he ignored me.  Makes sense.

My last blog felt kinda hopeful, I know.  I'm not feeling all that hopeful at the moment.