It's 8:00 on a Friday night.  I'm in bed.  I am pretty pumped about sleeping.

My life is so exciting.

But really...it's not exciting.  Today was the last day of rush at work and I am super tired from this week.  I'm glad it's over and I'm ready for things to go back to normal.

Mom has come up to help me out with Odin for a few days during the past two weeks and it has been really nice to have her here.  I can't explain how nice it is to not come home to an empty house.  I wish I could get to the point where I'm okay with being alone.

I'm thinking about texting Spencer.  I know I probably shouldn't.  I don't think he's the kind of guy you can be just friends with.  But I liked hanging out with him and now we can do it without the complications of working together.  But yeah.  I shouldn't.

Tomorrow Odin has an appointment with the groomer because he looks like this:

Some time after that I'm going to Chris and Lindsey's an staying the night since we're going back to Boston again on Sunday.

Speaking of Chris and Lindsey, I can officially announce that I'm going to be an aunt.  Lindsey is pregnant.  I've known since shortly after Thanksgiving, but they didn't want to tell anyone until it was safe.  They had an appointment today and everything is still normal, so they're going to tell more people now.  It's super weird to think about.  I know nothing about babies.  But I'm very happy for them because they have been trying for so long.

On that happy note, it's bed time.

I don't think Dave is going to be anything but a friend.  I just don't feel it.  I thought I might, but I don't.  He's so nice and he's smart and we like a lot of the same things, but I just don't see it going anywhere.  I mean, I should be excited to see him, right?  When he asked if I was hungry after the movie I should have wanted to say yes and spend more time with him, right?

Also, last night I was thinking and even if I did like Dave in that way, I'm still not over Shawn.  I want to be so bad, but I'm just not.  I really can't be with another guy until I figure that out.  Because honestly, all I want right now is just to talk to him.  I still think about him walking through that door.  I want to get over all of this.

I wish I felt differently about Dave and it makes me sad that I don't because I have no idea when I'm going to meet someone else that likes me like he does and understands my situation.

...and can I just say that Her was really unexpectedly depressing?  I could relate to so much of it.  It didn't make me feel any better about things.

Some unexpected things happened today.

I was getting ready for work when my brother texted me asking if I wanted to go to a hockey game tonight at the Times Union Center.  He had tickets from work and he and Lindsey were going.  So I said I'd go.

On my way to work Dave texted me asking me if I wanted to see Her with him this weekend.  He promised it was not a date, he just wanted to see the movie and he didn't think any of his guy friends would want to go with him.  I said sure.  I've been thinking about him a little bit this week, unsure of how I'm feeling about that whole situation.  But seeing a movie with him as a friend kind of takes away the pressure, so it should be alright and give me a chance to see him again and kinda sort through how I really feel about it.

I worked 11:30 to 5:30 today and it went by quickly.  After work I came home quick to let Odin out then went over to Chris and Lindsey's.

It is impossible to not think about Shawn while at a hockey game.  It was almost exactly a year ago the he took me to an Albany Devil's game in the same place.  Just a couple days before he left.  That was one of my last real happy memories with him.  He loved hockey and everything I know about hockey is from him.  We had talked about going to Montreal to go to a Canadiens game at some point, but that never happened.  I don't really care too much about it, but I would have liked to have gone with him.

There was a huge brawl at the end of the game tonight.  Coaches were fighting and everything, it was crazy.  It's times like these where I wish Shawn was still in my life, even as a friend so I could tell him about it.  He'd appreciate that story.

Get him out of my head, please.

No work tomorrow!  Yay!  Steph is coming over around noon and we're going to have lunch and hang out for a while.  Then going to the movie with Dave around 4:40.

Now it's time to watch SNL in bed.

Classes started this week which means my life is basically work for this week and the next.  Things will go back to normal for the most part by next Friday.

It has been an interesting week.  The heat in my house hasn't worked very well for a while, but I put off telling my landlord about it.  On Sunday I let her know and of course it wasn't anything simple and someone had to come look at it that night then they had to come back on Tuesday to fix it.  Monday was very cold in here.  When I woke up it was 43 degrees in the house.  But now the heat is working better than ever, so that's good.

So this led to me making a status on facebook about the issue and Dave replied and asked about it.  Then on Tuesday he texted me to see if I had a place to stay if the heat didn't get fixed.  Which led to a few more texts.  Which has led to me thinking maybe I should hang out with him again.  But I'm afraid.  What if I freak out like last time?  I'm also not 100% over Shawn, so there's that.  I just don't know.

Also, this week saw the return of Spencer.  He came into the store to get his books on Tuesday and came up to me.  He made small talk, told me about how he just moved into a house down the road from me.  He asked about Supernatural.  He called me Kimberly.  Then of course that night he texted me.  I didn't reply.  He's just too young and immature and can't be without a girl for two seconds.  I'm not playing that game.  I don't care how ridiculously good looking he is.

...and that was my week.  Work and being confused about boys.  Also, Community made me cry tonight.  I can't believe Donald Glover left.  Community will not be the same without Troy.

Work tomorrow and Saturday.  Day off on Sunday then back to working 8 am to 7:30 Monday through Thursday.  Long days, but more money, which I need.

In the dream that awakened me,
you had come and taken me
to a sea of stars.
The cat stood in the flowers two ears above.

And the ground that was under me
was holding me so wonderfully
on a bed of leaves
and you were here with me and we were free.

Everything we saw
was beautiful and strong,
and I knew we belonged.

Then the birds came and carried us
to the sky and married us on a bed of stars,
where I was always yours
and you were mine.

And in the long back eternity,
I love you so perfectly
in the words of clouds,
like a bird sings to his flowers and I was heard.

Everything I saw
was everything I'd want,
and this world had just begun to live.
Don't wake me up,
I can't wake up from this.

Everyone was forgiven;
made hopeful;
made living;
made winning,
tonight.

So, Captain, please consider me.
Let the boats deliver me.
When I close my eyes,
drive, captain, drive.
It's time.

For everything to be perfect,
for everything to stop hurting,
tonight.

Don't wake me up.


- Jets to Brazil, "Cat Heaven"

Dave asked me out again.  I just turned him down.

I have such mixed feelings about everything.  I want so badly to be out of this rut, but I'm just not ready to date and if I'm being honest, I just don't see myself with Dave.  He's a very nice guy, but I don't know.  It's so hard to explain.  I know how I feel when I really like someone and I don't get that feeling with him.  So it's a mixture of still being miserable, still missing Shawn, and not feeling attracted to Dave.  

I hope I'm not making a mistake.

After I wrote my blog last night I wept in bed a little bit then went to sleep.

I did end up texting Dave back during my lunch break today.  He then texted back saying he's sorry if he woke me up when he called last night.  I said he didn't and then tonight he texted asking what I was up to.  "Going to bed" was my answer.  Which feels like I'm blowing him off.  Which I kind of am and although going to bed is in the near future, "crying on my couch" wasn't the best answer, I don't think.  Even though that's what I'm up to.

I wish I had any kind of feelings for him.  But I don't.  And his getting back in touch with me is just adding on to the stress I'm already feeling.

I don't want to be like this anymore.  I took a walk with Kristina tonight and told her about how stressed I am, but I don't think anyone besides mom really knows the whole picture.  I'm fine at work.  My co-workers don't know I come home and cry.  Almost a year later and I'm still not okay.  I know I seem like I'm doing alright, but I'm just not.

I'm just stuck.

Sometimes I just really miss having a best friend.

I mean, I have friends.  I have people in my life I can talk to and hang out with.  But besides my mom, I don't really have anyone else I am completely open with.  I miss Shawn in that way so much.  I really did consider him to be my best friend and sometimes I just want so badly just talk to him about nothing.

I don't know what to do about Dave.  He tried to call me tonight.  I didn't answer.  He texted me that he was bored in a hotel in Delaware.  I didn't text back.  I don't want to be a jerk, but I don't know what to say.  I've definitely thought about it and I don't want to date him and I'm sure that's what he's going to get at.

Right now I want to make getting in shape my priority.  Maybe in the spring I'll think about dating again.

I'm sad.

I don't know why I'm still awake.

I went a few days without a Shawn dream, at least.  I'm so tired of them.  Last night's had Shawn coming home and we were here in the house.  For some reason we were in the bathroom and we heard our landlord come in the house with other people.  She was showing them the house and I asked why and she said my lease was up and she needed someone who was going to pay full rent now.  So I told Shawn about the deal she and I had and he said that since he was back now we could afford to pay the original rent and we told her that.  I was really relieved that he was back and we were going to be splitting bills now.

It seems like I'm only satisfied with my life in my dreams and it's always because Shawn is back or is at least talking to me.  Things would be so much easier if I could just make the dreams stop.  If I could just stop missing him.

I wonder what he thinks I'm up to right now.  If he hasn't read this blog or gotten any of my e-mails he probably thinks I'm fine and I've moved on.  He has no idea the effect he has had on me.  But I hope he has read this blog and I hope he knows.  He needs to know.  I wish he could be reminded of me and what he did every single day.  I don't want him to be happy.  I want him to be miserable like I am.  

...and writing about all of this over and over is not helping me move on so I need to stop, but it's so hard.  

Its been a year since he left.  A year.  I can't believe it.  It feels like it was yesterday.

2014 has started off a little stressful.  I had two minor break downs over the weekend.  The first one had to do with me feeling pretty terribly about myself and the second one was yesterday after I went grocery shopping and spent more money than I thought I should have.  I really miss sharing the bills.  I wish I had saved more money back when things were good.  I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to the beginning of the semester and working a ton of hours.  I just need the money so badly.  I feel like with my overtime and my tax refund I'll feel better.

Dave texted me today.  I wasn't really surprised because he has been commenting on stuff on my facebook lately.  I'm not entirely sure how to feel about it.  He's a nice guy, but I just don't know.  I'm sure if we start texting and talking again he's going to ask to hang out again and I won't really know what to say.  I might be in a slightly better place than I was back when he and I went out, but I'm still a mess.

Today was day 10 of the 30 day shred.  I hope I'm going to start seeing some results soon.  

This was short.  I'm getting a headache, so I think it will be bed time soon.

Happy New Year!

I hope it's happy.  I'm so ready to be happy again.  I need to get there.  I'm trying as hard as I can to not think about Shawn anymore and not dwell on what happened.  I did alright today.  Whenever I start to go there in my head I just make myself think of something else.  Which is tough, especially since our favorite show, Community came back tonight and I sat here alone watching it.  The last time Community premiered I sat here waiting for Shawn to come on Skype so we could watch it together...and we all know how that worked out.

New Years eve was fun, but incredibly cold.  I mean, I knew going into it that seeing Hanson next to a lake at night in freezing weather wasn't going to be the best experience, but I love them and I had to do it.  But I won't lie, it was pretty awful.  I mean, the show was good and I loved spending time with Ashley, but I don't think I've ever been so cold in my life.  Hanson didn't go on until 10:30 and we got there at 9.  Before Hanson even came on my feet were basically frozen (even with two pairs of socks and my warmest boots).  I welcomed any song where we were encouraged to jump up and down.  We also stood in the front row right next to the speaker and that really impaired my hearing.  Everything was muffled that night and most of yesterday.  When we finally got to the warm bus that shuttled us back to Ashley's car, my feet hurt terribly as they thawed out.

Was it all worth it?  I'm going to go with yes.  Because I just love Hanson so much.  But I really hope the next time I see them outdoors it's between the months of April and September.

We're having a pretty serious snow storm at the moment.  Serious as in the whole state in under a now emergency.  It's days like today that I'm very happy to live so close to work.  Instead of getting up and shoveling the driveway and getting snow off my car I just walked instead.  Which wasn't awesome, but hey, I just stood outside for over 3 hours in freezing weather by a lake, so I can handle any cold that's thrown at me. My neighbor even snow blowed my driveway again for my tonight.  Of course it's still going to snow all night, but it will make things a little easier for me tomorrow.

So, I'm doing okay, I think.  I've started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and I'm pretty motivated to keep up with it.  I'm on day 6 or 7.  I've tried to start it in the past, but I always give up on it.  I'm hoping I can stick with it this time.

I'm also considering online dating again.  But I don't know.  We'll see.

2014 is alright so far.  But I'm only 2 days in.

Here's a little collage of pictures from New Years Freeze.