I went a few days without a Shawn dream, at least.  I'm so tired of them.  Last night's had Shawn coming home and we were here in the house.  For some reason we were in the bathroom and we heard our landlord come in the house with other people.  She was showing them the house and I asked why and she said my lease was up and she needed someone who was going to pay full rent now.  So I told Shawn about the deal she and I had and he said that since he was back now we could afford to pay the original rent and we told her that.  I was really relieved that he was back and we were going to be splitting bills now.

It seems like I'm only satisfied with my life in my dreams and it's always because Shawn is back or is at least talking to me.  Things would be so much easier if I could just make the dreams stop.  If I could just stop missing him.

I wonder what he thinks I'm up to right now.  If he hasn't read this blog or gotten any of my e-mails he probably thinks I'm fine and I've moved on.  He has no idea the effect he has had on me.  But I hope he has read this blog and I hope he knows.  He needs to know.  I wish he could be reminded of me and what he did every single day.  I don't want him to be happy.  I want him to be miserable like I am.  

...and writing about all of this over and over is not helping me move on so I need to stop, but it's so hard.  

Its been a year since he left.  A year.  I can't believe it.  It feels like it was yesterday.