Well, another one of my high school friends just got engaged.  I am happy for her, but I just feel sorry for myself.  I want it so bad.  I want to be engaged and I want to get married.  But I am so far away from that happening and it makes me sad.  I still can't believe I have to start all over.

I have to believe it's coming.  That I will meet someone and be happy again.  That I will have someone in my life that loves me and wouldn't ever dream of leaving me.  But in the back of my mind I am scared that it won't happen.

Yeah...I hate this.

Today I found myself getting exciting about the fact that I could come home, hang out with Odin, watch Breaking Bad, and sleep in tomorrow morning.  Then I quickly remembered that I would be doing all of that alone and it's actually kind of pathetic to be excited about that, so I just started feeling sad again instead.

I tried to see if people wanted to hang out tonight, but everyone is busy.  I did go out to eat with Heather and Kristina right after work, but now I'm home.  Alone.

I didn't go home this weekend because I have to dog-sit for Chris and Lindsey again tomorrow.  So Odin and I will be spending the night there.

Kristina asked me if I was busy the weekend of the 19th and I got excited for a second thinking she was going to ask me to do something that weekend...and she did.  She asked if I could watch her dog while she and Bart went to a wedding.

I just feel so pathetic.  I get asked to do this stuff because I'm the only one they know without anything going on.

I just really miss having someone.  I miss coming home to someone.  I hate doing everything on my own.

Sarah has an art show next Friday in Brooklyn.  It worked out that I had personal time I needed to use before the year ended and I randomly chose next Friday as my day to use it.  So I asked Nicole (who happens to be my only single friend) if she wanted to go spend the day in the city and then go to Sarah's show.  So that's what we're going to do.  I'm excited about it!  I haven't seen Sarah since she moved down there and I miss her.

Now it's time to go back to my exciting Friday night of watching Breaking Bad and going to bed.

I am so tired of being miserable.  Yesterday when I was driving back to Albany from my parent's house I was listening to Fall Out Boy and just burst into tears when Miss Missing You came on.  I know I shared the lyrics to that song here a while ago, but that song totally sums up my life at the moment.  Seriously.  "Before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger, the person you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger."  That and the opening line of, "Don't panic, no not yet, I know I'm the one you want to forget."  Sounds cheesy, I know, but sometimes some songs just hit me really hard.

I'm trying online dating again.  Well, I at least activated my profile.  I've gotten a bunch of messages, I haven't responded to anyone yet.

Funny/awkward story.  There is a subway in a gas station basically across the road from my house.  I stop there pretty often because it's so convenient.  There is a guy who works there and he's always there whenever I go in and he always makes my sub.  He's very friendly and since I go in there so much we usually have a little small talk here and there.  But there is just no attraction on my side.  He's a perfectly nice guy, but I just...I don't know.  It sounds so shallow, but attraction is kind of important.

Well, he found my profile and messaged me last night, telling me he thought I was beautiful and said he's wanted to ask me out.  I feel bad, but I don't want to go out with him.  Like not at all.  I haven't replied.  Not sure what to say.

Now I need to find a new subway because it will be way too awkward to go back there.

Two updates in my super exciting life.  I finished Orange is the New Black and have now started reading the book.  I also decided to start watching Breaking Bad.  I'm on the second episode.

Tonight I went out with Kristina and Heather to Moe's and then we got Fro yo.  I labeled it, "Moe-Yo night."  I was pretty proud of that.  They tried to give me dating advice.

It's getting so cold outside.  I just want summer weather back.

That's all I got for tonight.  Here's Odin being cute on Friday.

Why does Orange is the New Black only have 13 episodes?  It should have more.  I only have two episodes left and I've finished the season.  Great show.  Shawn would probably hate it.

I had an even bigger breakdown last night while talking to mom on skype.  I was teary for most of the day, but last night I had one of the biggest cries I've had in a while.  Then I sent Shawn an e-mail telling him I really needed to talk to him.

Surprise.  He didn't reply.

I wonder how he's able to do it.  How he's able to go about his days knowing how much I'm hurting because of him and not care.  How does he not care?  If the tables were turned and I hurt him, I'm pretty sure it would kill me and I'd feel terrible.  Things I've done in the past still stick with me to this day.  Like I said something stupid many years ago that ruined a friendship I had with someone I was really close to and I still think about it often.  It was a really long time ago, but it has been one of my biggest regrets.

I just don't get it.  I know I talked about that night we were supposed to watch Community together in the last post, but I often think about what he was doing when he knew he was supposed to me skyping with me.  Like he knew that I was sitting there waiting for him.  He knew in that moment all he had to do was come on skype or even send me an e-mail telling me he wouldn't be on, but he didn't.  He had to know day after day when he wasn't saying anything to me that I was waiting for him.  I would wake up early and leave skype on and just stare at his name hoping he would come online.  I was so worried about him.  But he just left me hanging.

How could he do it.

I hate that it's September and I'm still obsessing about this.  I wish he would just give me some closure.  I wish I could just wake up one day and not have him be the first thing I think about.

When Shawn was talking to me during the week of lies he told me that he thought 2014 was going to be a good year for us.  That's a line that sticks with me because I thought he really meant it.  I imagined us getting engaged in 2014, planning a wedding.  I imagined us possibly moving somewhere else, which would have bee scary, but I would have been okay as long as I was with him.  He made me feel so optimistic about our future.  Then he stomped all over it.

I hope 2014 is a good year for me.  I've given up on 2013.  This year sucks.

With that I'm going to watch one more episode of Orange is the New Black and go to bed.

There is a Community marathon on Comedy Central today.  Hey, remember that time Shawn and I planned to watch it together while he was in China and it was on here and I came on Skype to wait for him and he never came online and then said nothing to me until a month later when he broke up with me in an e-mail?

Sometimes I wonder what happened that day.  On that Wednesday night everything was fine and we talked for 3 hours.  I told him I loved him.  He told me he loved me back.  I went to bed, he went to start his day.

What changed for him that day after he talked for me?  Did he meet that girl?

I'll always wonder and probably never know.  All I know is I didn't watch Community live for weeks because I kept DVRing the episodes so Shawn and I could watch them together because I believed he would come back.

I spent the weekend at Chris and Lindsey's watching AJ and Mila, along with Odin.  Mom came up to help and I'm glad she did because AJ is a handful.  He's still a puppy and he is so big and he has so much energy.  It was non-stop play and at night he whined and cried, which led to me not getting much sleep all weekend.

Now it's Sunday and I came back home a little while ago.  For some reason I burst into tears on the drive back here from their house.  Sometimes out of nowhere I just get so sad and can't help it.

Kristina and I are supposed to walk the dogs tonight when she gets out of work.  I hope he doesn't get stuck working late.  I could use a long walk with a friend.

Here are pups on Friday night all together.  They drove me nuts, but I love them anyway.

I'm resisting the urge to e-mail him again.  I'm not sure why I want to, it's not like he will respond.  I'm pretty sure he has me blocked or he just deletes anything I send him right away without reading it.  But I just want to talk to him so bad.

I don't think I'm actually going to, but I've been thinking about it.

I've noticed some things around the house that I probably should have sent back with his family, but didn't think about at the time.  Like his pizza plates.  They're plates shaped like pizza and they look like slices of pizza.  We did actually use them every time we had pizza.  But there's no reason for me to keep them.  Also, his disney glasses.  They're the only cups I use, but I could have gotten new ones.  Then he has this blanket/pillow thing that fell on the floor beside the bed that I forgot about.

Oh well.  If he wants these things back whenever he gets back he can just ask me...or have his mom ask me since that's how he deals with things now.  29 years old and he can't even talk to the girl he was with for 4 years, he has to do it all through his mom and not care that she is completely heartless and treated me like garbage.

I'm just feeling kinda mad tonight, if that's not obvious.

Supernatural came out on DVD on Tuesday and I remember last year when it came out it was down pouring and parts of Albany were flooding, but I looked at him and said I needed to go get the DVD and he came with me to Best Buy in the pouring rain.

Also, Odin has some kind of small rash on his belly.  Last year we thought he had a rash, so we put him in the tub and gave him a bath.  Shawn held him while I scrubbed his belly and it turned out it was just dirt.  I was hoping for the same outcome this time.  It was much harder to do it alone.  I wished I had him there to hold him.  But I don't anymore.

It's just more memories I have that hit me and make me miss him while he has nothing to remind himself of me.  He never gets to feel that punch in the gut.

I'm just so over thinking about all of this all the time.  I want to stop.  I want to move on.  I want closure, but I'm never going to get it.

This is pathetic, but sometimes I imagine myself coming home from work and seeing him sitting there on the step.   Sometimes I come home and check the mail and think maybe he will send me a letter explaining everything.  Even though I've pretty much given up on it, I still look for an e-mail from him every day.  Sometimes I hear a car door shut outside and think maybe it's him.  I know these things won't happen, but I still can't stop my mind from thinking it.

...and he doesn't even think about me.  I'm just the ex-girlfriend now.  I wasn't important.  I don't matter.  I was easy to leave.  He wasn't even single before he met someone else he liked better.

I think I better take some ZzzQuil tonight or I won't get to sleep any time soon.

Here is a compilation of pictures of Odin being cute this week to make up for a depressing post.

Sunday thoughts

"Over thinking causes the mind to create negative scenarios and replay painful memories."

One of my old friends from high school just posted that quote on facebook.  It hits pretty close to home for me.  I am constantly thinking about Shawn and what he did and where my life is at and remembering how much he hurt me and worrying about my future.  I just can't stop.  I over think.  I don't know how not to.

It really bums me out that summer is coming to an end.  Summer is my favorite season and I love just being able to be outside and go for long walks and not freeze.  But it's going to get colder soon and I'm going to be inside a lot more and the days are going to get shorter.  I just hate it.

How come some people can get over things so easily?  People who have been in my position before have moved on by now.  I haven't even talked to Shawn since February, yet I still miss him so much.  I wish I could just be mad about it and not let it affect me so much, but it affects me every single day.  I don't know how not to be hurt and how not to still miss him.  I can tell myself how horrible he was to me and how much of a coward he was and how I'm probably better off without him, but it doesn't help.

...and lately I keep thinking about how I'd take him back if he wanted to come back into my life.  I know he won't.  I know we'll probably never talk again.  But if he were to e-mail me and say he wanted to talk, I would talk to him.  If he came home from China and wanted to see me, I would see him.

It's messed up, right?  I should be so mad and want nothing to do with him.  Why can't I feel that way?

The past couple nights I've had more dreams about him.  But they've been different than the usual ones.  In these things are normal and we're just together.  In the first dream he and I were just out to dinner together and then last night we were hanging out in our old apartment just talking.  In both I didn't think about China and we didn't talk about it, I was just back in a time when things were good.

Anyway.

I went home for the weekend and came back up today.  Met up with Kristina and we went out to eat and then walked the dogs around campus.  I just made banana bread and I'm doing laundry.  It's been an alright day.  I just wish I wasn't alone.

Today one of the student employees randomly asked me if I was married.  I told her I wasn't.  She then asked me if I thought I'd be getting married soon.  I told her I didn't think so.  She asked why not.  Luckily the phone rang at that moment so I didn't have to continue the conversation.

It's stupid, but after that I got in a pretty bad mood and just wanted the day to be over.  I know she was just asking to make conversation or whatever, but it was just another reminder of where my life is at.  A year ago I could have answered differently...or if Shawn didn't stop talking to me I could have said "yes, soon!"  But that's not where I am.  I have no one.

...and that's my depressing thought for the night.  At least Odin let me cuddle him when I got home.

Out of sight, out of mind, out of reach

I'm back!

Work has been crazy busy and super stressful and I've been so tired and coming home at 9:00 and eating dinner then going to bed.  Glad that's over with, at least until January.

This weekend I went home and last night I went out with Jess and Stash.  We had dinner and then went to the park for balloon fest.  I only stayed for a little while.  I cried on my drive back home.

I wasn't sure I wanted to write about this because I know some of my friends read this blog and I don't want them to feel bad or anything.  I love my friends and I am genuinely happy for them.  But sometimes it's so hard to be around these happy, healthy relationships because it makes me think of what I lost and it makes me want what they have.  It makes me think about that empty chair next to me and wish I had someone there.

I always have good time when I hang out with my friends and their significant others, but at the same time I feel so lonely.  I'm not used to being the "single friend."

I just miss being in a relationship so, so much...and I miss being in a relationship with Shawn.

Sometimes I get so scared that I'm never going to find that again.  That I'm just going to be single and I won't ever get married because I'm never going to meet anyone else and if I do what if I end up not being good enough again?  I just sometimes feel like I'm not worth hanging onto.

I've always had self confidence issues, but Shawn really did a number on me.  And I know people will tell me and have told me that this was all on him and I didn't do anything wrong, but he chose to leave me.  He found something better.  He decided that he was better off not having me in his life at all.  So much so that he hasn't contacted me in any way since he broke up with me in an e-mail.  He hasn't even cared to check in on me.  He didn't even care that his mom was so horrible to me.  He just doesn't care.  Why doesn't he care?  Why is he better off without me?

...and I know I ignored many signs.  I didn't ask him questions because I was afraid of the answers.  Before he left he had pretty much already checked out and he treated me horribly and left me crying on the couch.  But every time I told him how scared I was and asked him if any of this was about me he would always assure me that it wasn't.  He would always say he just needed this experience and then he would be back.  He would leave to go to his parent's house while I was losing it and falling apart, but then he'd come back and kiss me so hard like he missed me so much and he'd take me out to dinner and hold my hand in the car.  He never once told me he didn't want to be with me.  But he started taking his things from our house and bringing them to his parent's house.  I told him that freaked me out and he would always say, "I have too much stuff."

I was in such denial.  I should have known that in the back of his head he knew he wouldn't be back.  Maybe it was more than just in the back of his head.  Maybe he just knew, but he was denial too.  He didn't know how to handle it.

I'll never understand and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have ended the relationship myself before he left because of how crazy he was acting.  But I didn't want to let go.  I loved him too much.  I couldn't picture a life without him and I was so scared.

I don't know how I would have done anything differently.  I guess I should have made him sit down and tell him exactly what was going on in his head.  Tell him to stop running away.

But this is all in the past now and I haven't seen or talked to him in months and I should be healing by now, but I don't think I am.  I still miss him so much, but at the same time I'm so mad at him for leaving me the way he did and making me so confused that when I'm not distracted he is literally all I can think about.  It's just so not fair that he has moved on and doesn't think about me while I'm still a mess.  It's September and I'm still a mess.

His birthday is tomorrow.  The first time in years I haven't spent it with him.

I've been thinking about going back to online dating, but I don't know.  It's so stressful and I don't know if it's fair of me to do it.  If I started seeing someone and found out they still missed their ex as much I do and even keep a blog about it, I don't know that I'd be okay with it.  But at the same time I want to meet someone new and have someone in my life.  I feel like that is the only way to help me get over all this.

Any opinions on that would be greatly appreciated.

In other depressing and "my life could be way worse" news, my friend Meaghan's dad died last week.  When Shawn and I lived in our last apartment we lived right across the street from her family and saw her dad all the time and always gave a friendly wave or hello.  He'd bend down and pet Odin from time to time.  When we first moved there he had this huge, ridiculous truck that he would park in front of our house that we made plenty of jokes about.  He always seemed like a nice man.  When I heard the news I felt terrible for Meaghan and thought that I needed to tell Shawn, but realized I couldn't.  I assume he still has feelings and would care to know about something like that.  But maybe not.

...and now after all that heavy stuff, here is Odin being cute today.