Why does Orange is the New Black only have 13 episodes?  It should have more.  I only have two episodes left and I've finished the season.  Great show.  Shawn would probably hate it.

I had an even bigger breakdown last night while talking to mom on skype.  I was teary for most of the day, but last night I had one of the biggest cries I've had in a while.  Then I sent Shawn an e-mail telling him I really needed to talk to him.

Surprise.  He didn't reply.

I wonder how he's able to do it.  How he's able to go about his days knowing how much I'm hurting because of him and not care.  How does he not care?  If the tables were turned and I hurt him, I'm pretty sure it would kill me and I'd feel terrible.  Things I've done in the past still stick with me to this day.  Like I said something stupid many years ago that ruined a friendship I had with someone I was really close to and I still think about it often.  It was a really long time ago, but it has been one of my biggest regrets.

I just don't get it.  I know I talked about that night we were supposed to watch Community together in the last post, but I often think about what he was doing when he knew he was supposed to me skyping with me.  Like he knew that I was sitting there waiting for him.  He knew in that moment all he had to do was come on skype or even send me an e-mail telling me he wouldn't be on, but he didn't.  He had to know day after day when he wasn't saying anything to me that I was waiting for him.  I would wake up early and leave skype on and just stare at his name hoping he would come online.  I was so worried about him.  But he just left me hanging.

How could he do it.

I hate that it's September and I'm still obsessing about this.  I wish he would just give me some closure.  I wish I could just wake up one day and not have him be the first thing I think about.

When Shawn was talking to me during the week of lies he told me that he thought 2014 was going to be a good year for us.  That's a line that sticks with me because I thought he really meant it.  I imagined us getting engaged in 2014, planning a wedding.  I imagined us possibly moving somewhere else, which would have bee scary, but I would have been okay as long as I was with him.  He made me feel so optimistic about our future.  Then he stomped all over it.

I hope 2014 is a good year for me.  I've given up on 2013.  This year sucks.

With that I'm going to watch one more episode of Orange is the New Black and go to bed.