Work has been crazy busy and super stressful and I've been so tired and coming home at 9:00 and eating dinner then going to bed. Glad that's over with, at least until January.
This weekend I went home and last night I went out with Jess and Stash. We had dinner and then went to the park for balloon fest. I only stayed for a little while. I cried on my drive back home.
I wasn't sure I wanted to write about this because I know some of my friends read this blog and I don't want them to feel bad or anything. I love my friends and I am genuinely happy for them. But sometimes it's so hard to be around these happy, healthy relationships because it makes me think of what I lost and it makes me want what they have. It makes me think about that empty chair next to me and wish I had someone there.
I always have good time when I hang out with my friends and their significant others, but at the same time I feel so lonely. I'm not used to being the "single friend."
I just miss being in a relationship so, so much...and I miss being in a relationship with Shawn.
Sometimes I get so scared that I'm never going to find that again. That I'm just going to be single and I won't ever get married because I'm never going to meet anyone else and if I do what if I end up not being good enough again? I just sometimes feel like I'm not worth hanging onto.
I've always had self confidence issues, but Shawn really did a number on me. And I know people will tell me and have told me that this was all on him and I didn't do anything wrong, but he chose to leave me. He found something better. He decided that he was better off not having me in his life at all. So much so that he hasn't contacted me in any way since he broke up with me in an e-mail. He hasn't even cared to check in on me. He didn't even care that his mom was so horrible to me. He just doesn't care. Why doesn't he care? Why is he better off without me?
...and I know I ignored many signs. I didn't ask him questions because I was afraid of the answers. Before he left he had pretty much already checked out and he treated me horribly and left me crying on the couch. But every time I told him how scared I was and asked him if any of this was about me he would always assure me that it wasn't. He would always say he just needed this experience and then he would be back. He would leave to go to his parent's house while I was losing it and falling apart, but then he'd come back and kiss me so hard like he missed me so much and he'd take me out to dinner and hold my hand in the car. He never once told me he didn't want to be with me. But he started taking his things from our house and bringing them to his parent's house. I told him that freaked me out and he would always say, "I have too much stuff."
I was in such denial. I should have known that in the back of his head he knew he wouldn't be back. Maybe it was more than just in the back of his head. Maybe he just knew, but he was denial too. He didn't know how to handle it.
I'll never understand and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have ended the relationship myself before he left because of how crazy he was acting. But I didn't want to let go. I loved him too much. I couldn't picture a life without him and I was so scared.
I don't know how I would have done anything differently. I guess I should have made him sit down and tell him exactly what was going on in his head. Tell him to stop running away.
But this is all in the past now and I haven't seen or talked to him in months and I should be healing by now, but I don't think I am. I still miss him so much, but at the same time I'm so mad at him for leaving me the way he did and making me so confused that when I'm not distracted he is literally all I can think about. It's just so not fair that he has moved on and doesn't think about me while I'm still a mess. It's September and I'm still a mess.
His birthday is tomorrow. The first time in years I haven't spent it with him.
I've been thinking about going back to online dating, but I don't know. It's so stressful and I don't know if it's fair of me to do it. If I started seeing someone and found out they still missed their ex as much I do and even keep a blog about it, I don't know that I'd be okay with it. But at the same time I want to meet someone new and have someone in my life. I feel like that is the only way to help me get over all this.
Any opinions on that would be greatly appreciated.
In other depressing and "my life could be way worse" news, my friend Meaghan's dad died last week. When Shawn and I lived in our last apartment we lived right across the street from her family and saw her dad all the time and always gave a friendly wave or hello. He'd bend down and pet Odin from time to time. When we first moved there he had this huge, ridiculous truck that he would park in front of our house that we made plenty of jokes about. He always seemed like a nice man. When I heard the news I felt terrible for Meaghan and thought that I needed to tell Shawn, but realized I couldn't. I assume he still has feelings and would care to know about something like that. But maybe not.
...and now after all that heavy stuff, here is Odin being cute today.
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