One of my old friends from high school just posted that quote on facebook. It hits pretty close to home for me. I am constantly thinking about Shawn and what he did and where my life is at and remembering how much he hurt me and worrying about my future. I just can't stop. I over think. I don't know how not to.
It really bums me out that summer is coming to an end. Summer is my favorite season and I love just being able to be outside and go for long walks and not freeze. But it's going to get colder soon and I'm going to be inside a lot more and the days are going to get shorter. I just hate it.
How come some people can get over things so easily? People who have been in my position before have moved on by now. I haven't even talked to Shawn since February, yet I still miss him so much. I wish I could just be mad about it and not let it affect me so much, but it affects me every single day. I don't know how not to be hurt and how not to still miss him. I can tell myself how horrible he was to me and how much of a coward he was and how I'm probably better off without him, but it doesn't help.
...and lately I keep thinking about how I'd take him back if he wanted to come back into my life. I know he won't. I know we'll probably never talk again. But if he were to e-mail me and say he wanted to talk, I would talk to him. If he came home from China and wanted to see me, I would see him.
It's messed up, right? I should be so mad and want nothing to do with him. Why can't I feel that way?
The past couple nights I've had more dreams about him. But they've been different than the usual ones. In these things are normal and we're just together. In the first dream he and I were just out to dinner together and then last night we were hanging out in our old apartment just talking. In both I didn't think about China and we didn't talk about it, I was just back in a time when things were good.
Anyway.
I went home for the weekend and came back up today. Met up with Kristina and we went out to eat and then walked the dogs around campus. I just made banana bread and I'm doing laundry. It's been an alright day. I just wish I wasn't alone.
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