I'm resisting the urge to e-mail him again.  I'm not sure why I want to, it's not like he will respond.  I'm pretty sure he has me blocked or he just deletes anything I send him right away without reading it.  But I just want to talk to him so bad.

I don't think I'm actually going to, but I've been thinking about it.

I've noticed some things around the house that I probably should have sent back with his family, but didn't think about at the time.  Like his pizza plates.  They're plates shaped like pizza and they look like slices of pizza.  We did actually use them every time we had pizza.  But there's no reason for me to keep them.  Also, his disney glasses.  They're the only cups I use, but I could have gotten new ones.  Then he has this blanket/pillow thing that fell on the floor beside the bed that I forgot about.

Oh well.  If he wants these things back whenever he gets back he can just ask me...or have his mom ask me since that's how he deals with things now.  29 years old and he can't even talk to the girl he was with for 4 years, he has to do it all through his mom and not care that she is completely heartless and treated me like garbage.

I'm just feeling kinda mad tonight, if that's not obvious.

Supernatural came out on DVD on Tuesday and I remember last year when it came out it was down pouring and parts of Albany were flooding, but I looked at him and said I needed to go get the DVD and he came with me to Best Buy in the pouring rain.

Also, Odin has some kind of small rash on his belly.  Last year we thought he had a rash, so we put him in the tub and gave him a bath.  Shawn held him while I scrubbed his belly and it turned out it was just dirt.  I was hoping for the same outcome this time.  It was much harder to do it alone.  I wished I had him there to hold him.  But I don't anymore.

It's just more memories I have that hit me and make me miss him while he has nothing to remind himself of me.  He never gets to feel that punch in the gut.

I'm just so over thinking about all of this all the time.  I want to stop.  I want to move on.  I want closure, but I'm never going to get it.

This is pathetic, but sometimes I imagine myself coming home from work and seeing him sitting there on the step.   Sometimes I come home and check the mail and think maybe he will send me a letter explaining everything.  Even though I've pretty much given up on it, I still look for an e-mail from him every day.  Sometimes I hear a car door shut outside and think maybe it's him.  I know these things won't happen, but I still can't stop my mind from thinking it.

...and he doesn't even think about me.  I'm just the ex-girlfriend now.  I wasn't important.  I don't matter.  I was easy to leave.  He wasn't even single before he met someone else he liked better.

I think I better take some ZzzQuil tonight or I won't get to sleep any time soon.

Here is a compilation of pictures of Odin being cute this week to make up for a depressing post.