I think I've been doing okay the last couple days.  I've been trying not to think too hard about Shawn.  Sometimes it's super difficult, sometimes it's not.  The feelings come and go.

I've also tried not to be too bummed out about things with Spencer either.  After our conversation on Monday we didn't talk again that night, but we worked together yesterday and things were fine and not awkward at all.  But he didn't try to contact me after work at all yesterday which felt kinda weird since he had been texting and messaging me on facebook all the time for the last week.  So I got worried that he didn't really want to be my friend anymore outside of work.

But tonight he texted me about the storm we had here and then later he asked me how I was doing and told me I looked really pretty today.  That made me smile.

He has tomorrow off.  Work is going to suck a little bit without him there.

Besides that I hung out with my friend Steph tonight and we always have fun.  Plus she told me she's been reading this blog, so Hi Steph!

So It's May 29th.  Still no rent check from Shawn's mom.  I hate this waiting game.  Only two more months.

Haven't posted a picture in a while.  Here's what the sky looked like tonight.

Well, I guess I saw this coming.

Spencer and I talked today and decided we should just be friends not try to pursue anything.  Well, he decided.  I tried to tell him this last week, but he still wanted to see if we could make it work.  But the work thing makes it way too complicated, neither of us want to worry about something happening to our jobs.  Plus, I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't a very good idea.  He's 21 and in a completely different place in his life.

I hope we do stay friends though.  He was there for me before, I hope he can continue to be there for me.

Anyway, I'm kinda bummed out today.  I'm just lonely and sad.  Spencer wasn't the right person to come into my life to help me out with that on a romantic level, but I hope someone else comes along soon.  At least he helped to realize that I just might be ready to be with someone else, as long as they're the right person.

I got a jury questionnaire sent to my parent's house.  I needed to show that I don't live there anymore by giving them two forms of proof.  One was my lease, so I pulled that out and made a copy of it.  The last page has my signature along with Shawn's and the date that we signed it, which was last June.  I can't believe how much has changed since then.  A year ago I was so happy.  I thought I knew where my life was headed.  I told Shawn this would be the last time we moved and we could be happy in this house.  I saw us here together for a long time.  I had no idea back then.

I miss what my life used to be.

I'm trying really hard not to constantly think about Shawn and his new girlfriend.  Today I even tried to find a way to block his new profile page so I wouldn't check it anymore now that I know it exists.

But it's so hard.  I don't know how to get over it.  I don't know how to not have my mind blown by everything.  I just keep thinking about how crazy everything is.

I'm also trying really hard to not let this affect how I deal with other relationships in my life.

The new guy I've been talking to/hanging out with, Spencer...I'm already having anxiety about him and this has only just started, whatever it is.  I mean, besides the obvious things like him maybe being too young for me and the whole work thing.  I sometimes feel like I'm not going to be good enough for him.  Like I wonder why he likes me and I look through his profile and see all the other girls he has been with in the past and think they're way prettier and I think I wouldn't be surprised if he decided I wasn't interesting enough and wanted to hang out with someone else.

I mean, how can I really trust anyone?  There must be something wrong with me since I seem to always be the one who gets left and forgotten about in the relationships I have in my life.

I know I need to calm down and relax.  I just hope Spencer doesn't want to stop hanging out with me, even if we just end up only being friends.  It has been really nice to have someone be so interested in me and want to talk to me and get to know me.  I don't want that to change, but I'm so afraid it will.

Anyway, those feelings aside, I have been pretty busy and distracted for the past few days.  Odin got sprayed by a skunk on Friday night, so that was a big unwelcome distraction.  The whole house smells now and so does he, even after he got groomed today.

On Saturday we had a bachlorette party for Kristina.  We went to Saratoga and went to a few bars before heading back to Albany to go to a couple more.  I called it a night around 11:30 and came home then I went to my parent's house this morning.

Headed back to Albany tomorrow and maybe hanging out with Spencer.

Looking forward to sleeping tonight!

Shawn has a new girlfriend.

For some reason I got curious today and threw his name in google.  I found his new online profile on some kind of weird facebook-type site.  It says he is dating a girl named Natalia and she has been posting on his wall there since March.

I can do the math.  He broke up with me on March 31st.  Her first post on his wall was a link to Sting's "Shape of My Heart" in late March.  A few days later she posted a song called, "Lucky you, Lucky me."

So he apparently started seeing this girl before he broke up with me.  He was probably hanging out with her that entire month that he stopped talking to me.  So while I was sitting around crying all the time and losing my mind, he was off having fun with another girl.

What a terrible person he became.  I never saw any of this coming last year.

I've spent a good portion of tonight crying over him again.  Wasting tears on him.  I did go over to my friend's place, though.  He cooked me dinner.  Shawn never once cooked me dinner.

I'm just so tired of all this.  I sometimes wish I could forget that I was ever happy with Shawn.  That way it was be easier to move on and accept what he did to me.

New development

Another guy has come into my life pretty suddenly and there are many reasons why this shouldn't become anything, but it's new and it's weird, but it's exciting.

The main problem (besides the fact that he is younger than me) is that he works at the bookstore and I am his supervisor.  They have rules against dating.  If we keep hanging out, it could be a problem.

Besides that, it's nice to have someone new in my life to talk to.  It's also crazy that how he and I met is exactly how Shawn and I met and I remember having these exact same feelings many years ago.

It's all pretty complicated and I started to write it all out, but ended up erasing it.  As things develop I'll definitely post about it.  But for now I'll keep it brief.

Besides that, things have been going okay.  Mom came up this weekend and hung out.  The semester is over and I no longer have to work crazy hours.

Things (might be) looking up.

So its been a few days since I've updated.  A few pretty hard, emotional days.

Tuesday night was really fun.  I went with Chris and Lindsey to see Aziz Ansari and spent the whole night laughing.  It was a great escape from everything and I had a really good time.

Until the show ended and my phone buzzed.  Literally, the show was over and we were making our way out of our seats and my night was ruined.  Shawn's mom had messaged me on facebook.

Hi Kim , We have to come down soon to pick up the rest of Shawn's things before the lease is up. Are you planning to renew the lease? Just trying to figure out how much time we have to get his things. Just let me know Thank you

 Yeah.

So walking out of the theater I immediately became upset, which only got worse and more frustrating as I tried to get through traffic to get home and ended up sitting in my car in my parking spot for about 15 minutes because no one would let me out.  I called my mom and told her about it as I waited to move and sat there crying.  But as I was on the phone with her she told me she had just gotten a message from his mom as well, basically saying the same thing.  But it was 20 minutes after she sent the message to me and she contacted my mom because I "hadn't replied to her yet."

Sorry, I don't just sit around waiting for his family to get in touch with me.

I knew Shawn was going to do it this way.  I knew when the time came for him to worry about his things here that he would have his mom handle it.  I mean, if he was the one to actually send me an e-mail or contact me in some way that would mean he would actually have to deal with something.  He'd actually have to stop and think about me for a second.

God, it must be so nice for him.  He's in an entirely different country, never has to face up to ANYTHING he has done to me, and he gets to have his parents handle getting his things.  He doesn't have to do anything.

He could be an adult and e-mail me and tell me what he wants to keep and what I can have.  But no, that probably won't happen because he is a coward.

...and even though I've accepted (for the most part) that he is never coming back to me, it still hurts to think about his things being gone.  His things have been my things for years.  This couch I'm sitting on right now is his.  It's ugly.  I've never liked the look of it, but its been mine for four years.

During the first conversation I had with Shawn when he was in China I told him how I had been feeling, how worried I was that he had been rethinking things.  I even told him I envisioned his parents coming to pick up his things here.  I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of me not having to worry about that because he would definitely be back.  I was so relieved then.  Too bad I had no idea he was just using me to make him feel better because he was homesick and the second he felt better he was going to drop me.

My mom did end up talking to his mom a little bit more about it last night.  I guess all Shawn mentioned to his mom was his books and bikes that are here.

I wish I was a mean person.  I want to break all of his things, throw them out on the curb and let the garbage men pick it up.

Also, his mom brought up Shawn's half of the security deposit which makes me even more mad.  She has been sending me $75 less than what Shawn paid in rent since February.  Even when Shawn told her to send more, she didn't.  That money should be mine and I can't even believe that they're thinking about that right now.

I hate that this is all like some big business transaction.  This was our life.  I was very once, not too long ago, very happy and very in love with Shawn and very comfortable in my life with him.  I hate that our relationship is being treated like it was nothing.  Like I'm just some girl who is nothing but a burden on their lives.  That I didn't mean anything.  That we didn't mean anything.

I can't stand this.  I just want to not cry every night anymore.  I want to just get through this. I want Shawn to contact me and give me reasons why he's doing what he is doing.  I know that will never happen though.

Weekend

Its been a good couple of days, for the most part.

Community was renewed for a fifth season.  I almost e-mailed Shawn to tell him.  But I didn't since it wouldn't matter.  He's probably cut everything out of his life that reminds him of me too.  If he even has anything over there that reminds him of me.

I wonder if he ever thinks of me and gets sad.  I wonder if he ever stops and thinks about what he did and regrets it.  I wonder if he sometimes wants to contact me, but he's afraid that he'll miss me and want to come home.

But I mostly think he doesn't think of me at all.  I'd love to think he keeps himself awake a night thinking of how much he's hurting me and hating what he did.  He probably sleeps fine.  I do hope I pop up in his dreams from time to time.  I hope dream-me makes him feel guilty.

I was looking through some of my old facebook pictures yesterday because I like to torture myself, I guess.  I found this picture from almost 4 years ago when we went to Thatcher Park for the 4th of July.  I know our faces are mostly cut off, but it's one of my favorites because I think it captures us pretty well.  I miss making him laugh.

I hate that I wasn't important enough to him.  I wasn't worth coming back to.  I'm not even worth talking to.

Anyway.  I went home for the weekend and spent time with mom.  I stopped by Jess and Stash's house yesterday for a quick visit then Chris and Lindsey came over that night.  It's always nice to have my whole family home.

Drove back up to Albany today and Kristina and I took a 4 mile walk then went out to dinner.

Now I'm home alone with Odin again, thinking about Shawn.  Missing him.  Thinking about how he's probably not thinking about me.

I miss Shawn, of course, but I also miss being in a relationship and all the stuff that goes with it.  I miss having someone around all the time to hang out with.  On Tuesday I'm going to see Aziz Ansari with Chris and Lindsey at The Palace, which is downtown.  If Shawn were here he would have gone with us and I would have asked him to drive since I hate driving downtown.  Since I have to work late it looks like I'm going to have to drive there and meet up with Chris and Lindsey.  I wish Shawn was here to go with me.

I've got a busy week ahead of me.  It's the end of the semester, which means it's buyback time at the bookstore.  Then next weekend is graduation and I have to work on Saturday.

I'm doing laundry right now.  When it's done I'll probably go to bed...alone.

I really want these feelings to go away.

This picture makes me smile.  It's from our walk today.  Watson just happened to look up with his goofy face right when I snapped the picture.

Thursday thoughts

So despite the dream I posted about this morning I did manage to have a pretty good day.  I think it's mostly thanks to Sarah.  Work is just way more fun with her around and we worked together all day.  Plus on her lunch break she went to Starbucks to get us frappacinos.  That was pretty awesome.

I really don't want her to move.  It's going to suck when she's gone.

I need to get more friends.

Whenever I have a really intense Shawn dream it kinda sticks with me throughout the day.  It's like I feel closer to him or something.  It's hard to explain.  It's kinda like a, "he was just here" feeling, even though he really wasn't.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off without having any contact with him, but it's so hard to not have any answers or any understanding of what happened.  With most break ups you at least have the person to talk to still.  There is some sort of closure.  I have nothing.  I have a boyfriend who told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and talked about marriage and a future with me, then decided he didn't want me in his life at all over night.  There is no way I'm ever going to be able to wrap my head around that.  How he could love me so much, spend years with me, do everything with me, and then decide to leave and never talk to me again.  How can he stop caring like that?  How is he going this long without talking to me and how is it not killing him?

I just want to stop thinking about it.  But I can't.  I can have good days like today, but this stuff is always in the back of my mind.  It's always there.  It's like, yeah, today was a good day, but Shawn is still gone and my life it still weird and nothing makes sense.

So, last night I went out to Chillies with two of my managers, Heather and Helen then Odin and I went on a 2 mile walk.  Tonight Sarah couldn't walk with us, but we still walked around campus for about 3 miles.  Tomorrow I'm headed home for the weekend.

I took this picture tonight when I was walking Odin.  The road in Western Ave, which is a part of Route 20.  If you haven't heard of Route 20, google it.  Shawn and I always liked living right off of Western since it's so close to everything.  Well, I always liked living by Western.  Apparently Shawn hated everything in Albany.  It's a good thing for him he never has to walk down Western again.  I can look at every part of that section of road and picture us walking down it almost every day together.  I know I've said it a million times, but it's really not fair that he doesn't have anywhere to go that will remind him of me while I can't go anywhere without thinking of a time I was there with him.

I also wish his make and model of car wasn't so popular.  I see his car almost every day and find myself always looking at the driver even though I know there is no way it could possibly be him.

Dream

Last night I had a super real Shawn dream.  It started with us talking on AIM, which is what we used to do when we were friends.  I asked him what he was doing and he gave me really vague answers.  At one point he told me, "I want you to know I'm not seeing anyone else."  I said "oh, good" and then he said, "There is this girl, Jen.  I'm not seeing her, but I'm in love with her."  Then I said, "I remember when you used to be in love with me."

Then the dream kinda switched and I went to the grocery store, when I got home Shawn was outside and told me he saw me there and I thought that was sad that he saw me there, but didn't come up and say hi.  I asked him why he was back from China and he said it was just for a few days.

It switched again and I was walking into the Campus Center, which is where the bookstore is.  Shawn was sitting on one of the couches outside of the bookstore with headphones in.  This is where he used to wait to for me to get out of work sometimes.

I walked up and sat down across from him and tried to ask him all the things I've been wondering, why he hasn't talked to me, why he sent me that e-mail telling me that he wasn't sure where he was going in life, but he wanted me to be there with him.  I stressed to him that he chose to send that e-mail, that he didn't have to and that he has to some how still feel something for me.

I know he said things back to me in this dream, but I can't remember them.  I do remember feeling like it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

I'm so tired of these dreams.  I wish they would stop.  It makes starting my day so much harder.

Tuesday

Today was not very eventful.  It's getting busy at work again, which I don't mind because the days go by faster.

My landlord came over tonight to give me a key to the small shed out back so I could get to the lawn mower.  So I mowed the lawn tonight.  It's part of our new deal so I can stay here when the lease is up in August.  I'm glad I have such a great landlord who is willing to work with me.  I mean, it's tough to be here in this house by myself with all these Shawn memories everywhere, but I'm glad I can to stay here and I'm glad she was so willing to work with me so I could.

I really can't wait to get through all this.  It's going to be a while though, I think.  More-so the shock and I guess betrayal I feel.  I have no idea if I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it.  It's all just so insane.

I sometimes think about Shawn meeting someone else.  I sometimes wonder if that's already happened.  I think of him telling me about his ex-girlfriend and how he was with her for about 2 years, but just seemed to dismiss her when he told me about her.  She came off as kinda weird and crazy in his words.  I didn't think much of her.  But now I wonder what Shawn will say about me to new girls or even other people in his life.  Will he pretend I didn't exist?  Will he make it seem like I couldn't support his decision to move to China and I was the crazy one?  Will he just dismiss our relationship too?

Our relationship mattered.  We had a good life together.  I don't want it to just be dismissed.  It didn't deserve to be ended in an e-mail.  It deserved way more thought than he gave it.

I deserved more.  He owes me and our relationship.  It's all so completely unfair.

Everyone tells me things will get better and I'll find someone else who would never treat me this way.  I want to believe that, but I get so scared that it won't happen.  It's so hard to even imagine it.  I had my whole life figured out and it was all taken away.  How will I ever get that close to someone ever again?  What if I get close to someone and they leave me again?  I never, ever in a million years thought Shawn would could do something like this and I like to think I knew him better than most anyone.

I miss him.  I wish he would come back.  I wish I could sleep next to him again.

I wish I could stop feeling that way.

Good times, more memories

Well, I had a really great weekend.  This is the first time in a while that I've felt normal and just let myself have fun.  I did have a ton of distractions and I was away from everything that reminded me of Shawn for a night, so that helped.  I did think of him still of course.  The last time I went to one of these conventions I called him every night I was gone and then came home to him.  I remember it was around the time Chris and Lindsey were moving out of our apartment in East Greenbush and I was going to be alone there for a couple weeks.  I was nervous to ask Shawn if I could stay with him because I didn't want to be alone.  But I asked and that's when we pretty much started living together.

So yeah, I guess I still had memories.  But I was able to forget about him and this situation for the most part and just have fun.  I'm such a huge fan of Supernatural and the actors, so getting to meet them again and go to the panels and just laugh and have a great time was refreshing.  It was a great get away.  I didn't end up telling Steph what happened and she didn't ask.  Probably my lack of bringing up Shawn gave her a pretty good idea.

I'm sad it's over.  It has been a great distraction.  I've found myself thinking about the past couple days more than I've thought about Shawn, until now of course because I'm back to reality.  I'm wishing he was here so I could tell him all about my weekend.  It's so weird to have a big, fun experience and not tell him about it.

I used to go through my days making a mental list of things I wanted to tell Shawn about when I got home.  I still find myself doing it sometimes.  But now it's more like things I would have told Shawn about if he were still here.

When he and I were talking on skype that week I was actually making real lists and writing stuff down so I wouldn't forget to tell him about anything.  The last night we talked he told me I needed to make longer lists.  I told him I would and the next day I made a long list and even asked my co-workers/friends if they had anything they wanted to ask or tell him so I could add it.

I never got to tell him any of those things.

I can't wait until I don't relate every single thing I do to Shawn and my life with him.

Tonight Sarah and I went for the usual walk around campus then we went to TCBY.  Totally had frozen yogurt for dinner.  Super healthy.

Today's picture is from yesterday.  It's my photo op from the convention with Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles.  I'm on the left, Steph is on the right.

Past few days

Headed to New Jersey today.  I have to drop Odin off at Chris and Lindsey's before I go and I'm probably going to cry when I leave him.  But it's only for one night.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Its been a good few days for the most part.  I walked with Kristina on Wednesday after work then Mom came up again on Thursday.  She's still here, but she's headed back home today.  Yesterday I got out of work at 3 and we went to Cheesecake Factory then I walked with Sarah around campus.  The Celtics were knocked out of the playoffs last night though. Shawn would have enjoyed seeing that.  I would have enjoyed telling him his Canadiens aren't doing so hot either.

So I've been keeping busy.  This weekend I should be able to be completely distracted and hopefully not think about things much at all.  I haven't told my friend Steph that I'm going with about what happened.  She knows Shawn is in China, but last time we talked about it I told her we were talking about I was planning to go out to China to visit him some time soon.  So she probably still thinks things are good.  If she doesn't ask, I'm not going to bring it up.  I'd love to not discuss it.

So, the weather is awesome and I'm going to have a great time today and especially tomorrow, so I'm going to try to keep my mind off things and be happy.  This will probably be my last big exciting thing for a while since I need to save money.

Took this picture yesterday on the walk.  I love his shadow.