Tuesday

Today was not very eventful.  It's getting busy at work again, which I don't mind because the days go by faster.

My landlord came over tonight to give me a key to the small shed out back so I could get to the lawn mower.  So I mowed the lawn tonight.  It's part of our new deal so I can stay here when the lease is up in August.  I'm glad I have such a great landlord who is willing to work with me.  I mean, it's tough to be here in this house by myself with all these Shawn memories everywhere, but I'm glad I can to stay here and I'm glad she was so willing to work with me so I could.

I really can't wait to get through all this.  It's going to be a while though, I think.  More-so the shock and I guess betrayal I feel.  I have no idea if I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it.  It's all just so insane.

I sometimes think about Shawn meeting someone else.  I sometimes wonder if that's already happened.  I think of him telling me about his ex-girlfriend and how he was with her for about 2 years, but just seemed to dismiss her when he told me about her.  She came off as kinda weird and crazy in his words.  I didn't think much of her.  But now I wonder what Shawn will say about me to new girls or even other people in his life.  Will he pretend I didn't exist?  Will he make it seem like I couldn't support his decision to move to China and I was the crazy one?  Will he just dismiss our relationship too?

Our relationship mattered.  We had a good life together.  I don't want it to just be dismissed.  It didn't deserve to be ended in an e-mail.  It deserved way more thought than he gave it.

I deserved more.  He owes me and our relationship.  It's all so completely unfair.

Everyone tells me things will get better and I'll find someone else who would never treat me this way.  I want to believe that, but I get so scared that it won't happen.  It's so hard to even imagine it.  I had my whole life figured out and it was all taken away.  How will I ever get that close to someone ever again?  What if I get close to someone and they leave me again?  I never, ever in a million years thought Shawn would could do something like this and I like to think I knew him better than most anyone.

I miss him.  I wish he would come back.  I wish I could sleep next to him again.

I wish I could stop feeling that way.