So its been a few days since I've updated.  A few pretty hard, emotional days.

Tuesday night was really fun.  I went with Chris and Lindsey to see Aziz Ansari and spent the whole night laughing.  It was a great escape from everything and I had a really good time.

Until the show ended and my phone buzzed.  Literally, the show was over and we were making our way out of our seats and my night was ruined.  Shawn's mom had messaged me on facebook.

Hi Kim , We have to come down soon to pick up the rest of Shawn's things before the lease is up. Are you planning to renew the lease? Just trying to figure out how much time we have to get his things. Just let me know Thank you

 Yeah.

So walking out of the theater I immediately became upset, which only got worse and more frustrating as I tried to get through traffic to get home and ended up sitting in my car in my parking spot for about 15 minutes because no one would let me out.  I called my mom and told her about it as I waited to move and sat there crying.  But as I was on the phone with her she told me she had just gotten a message from his mom as well, basically saying the same thing.  But it was 20 minutes after she sent the message to me and she contacted my mom because I "hadn't replied to her yet."

Sorry, I don't just sit around waiting for his family to get in touch with me.

I knew Shawn was going to do it this way.  I knew when the time came for him to worry about his things here that he would have his mom handle it.  I mean, if he was the one to actually send me an e-mail or contact me in some way that would mean he would actually have to deal with something.  He'd actually have to stop and think about me for a second.

God, it must be so nice for him.  He's in an entirely different country, never has to face up to ANYTHING he has done to me, and he gets to have his parents handle getting his things.  He doesn't have to do anything.

He could be an adult and e-mail me and tell me what he wants to keep and what I can have.  But no, that probably won't happen because he is a coward.

...and even though I've accepted (for the most part) that he is never coming back to me, it still hurts to think about his things being gone.  His things have been my things for years.  This couch I'm sitting on right now is his.  It's ugly.  I've never liked the look of it, but its been mine for four years.

During the first conversation I had with Shawn when he was in China I told him how I had been feeling, how worried I was that he had been rethinking things.  I even told him I envisioned his parents coming to pick up his things here.  I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of me not having to worry about that because he would definitely be back.  I was so relieved then.  Too bad I had no idea he was just using me to make him feel better because he was homesick and the second he felt better he was going to drop me.

My mom did end up talking to his mom a little bit more about it last night.  I guess all Shawn mentioned to his mom was his books and bikes that are here.

I wish I was a mean person.  I want to break all of his things, throw them out on the curb and let the garbage men pick it up.

Also, his mom brought up Shawn's half of the security deposit which makes me even more mad.  She has been sending me $75 less than what Shawn paid in rent since February.  Even when Shawn told her to send more, she didn't.  That money should be mine and I can't even believe that they're thinking about that right now.

I hate that this is all like some big business transaction.  This was our life.  I was very once, not too long ago, very happy and very in love with Shawn and very comfortable in my life with him.  I hate that our relationship is being treated like it was nothing.  Like I'm just some girl who is nothing but a burden on their lives.  That I didn't mean anything.  That we didn't mean anything.

I can't stand this.  I just want to not cry every night anymore.  I want to just get through this. I want Shawn to contact me and give me reasons why he's doing what he is doing.  I know that will never happen though.