Vacation is over.  Meh.

I'm back in Albany.  I came home to a very empty porch.  I'm trying hard not to be sad about it, but I am a little.  I'm trying to think of what I'm going to do with the second bedroom now.  Mom and dad might bring up a twin bed to put in there so it can be like a guest room.  I can also use the closet in there to put some of my clothes.

I also needed a to come up with a new way for Odin to get up to the window on the porch.  Before he used Shawn's trunk of clothes and his keyboard as stepping stools, but those are gone.  Right now I have a plastic shelving unit set up for him to get up there, but I don't think he likes it much.  His paws kinda slide on it.  I'll figure something else out.

Speaking of Odin, I'm coming right up on the 2 year anniversary of his adoption.  How completely different my life was 2 years ago.

So, I went out with Joey tonight.  He was nice and we had good conversation...but I just didn't feel it.  I didn't walk away thinking I was excited.  I just didn't get *that* feeling.  So now I don't really know what to do.  I'm hoping he felt the same way so things aren't awkward now.

I don't know if I'm going to continue with online dating.  I don't know if I'm ready for all this.  I still think about Shawn a lot.  Even after everything I still miss him and want to talk to him.  Is it fair for me to go out with other people when I feel that way?  Is it wrong to still miss him, but want to meet other people so I can move on?

The last two nights I had more dreams.  In the first one he sent out an e-mail to his family and me saying what he had been up to and when he was coming home.  In it he wrote a paragraph for me that said he was sorry and he hoped we could meet up when he got back.  The dream from last night had him calling me on Skype.  I answered and we talked and I said a lot of things I can't remember, but I do remember telling him that I thought I had more to say.

These dreams are not helping.

Vacation is going well.  I wish I could sit around and not do much of anything and still get paid for it all the time.

I got through one of the biggest things I've been dreading on Tuesday - going to the doctor. I didn't even dread the exam as much as I dreaded her asking me about my relationship.  I cried talking about it.  I'm not really sure why I did.  I've been able to get the story out without tears many times before, but I guess I was already nervous about the whole thing so that didn't help.  But it's over with now.

Also on Tuesday I went over to my friend Nicole's parent's house and hung out with her and her mom.  I used to spend a lot of time with her family as a kid so it's always nice to see them.  I told Nicole the whole Shawn story.  She already knew a little of it from what she's been told from my other friends.  I got through that without crying!

Yesterday I got an incredible offer.  I don't know if I've mentioned this on this blog but Hanson is my favorite band.  I've loved them since I was 10 years old and they've been a big part of my life.  Through Hanson, many years ago I made one of my best friends, Talia.  She lives in Michigan.  We haven't seen each other in years and she's now married and has a baby so it's even more difficult to see her, especially since neither of us have the funds to make it happen.  Like seriously, flying from New York to Michigan should not be that expensive, but it is.

So her mom messaged me on facebook and tells me she will pay for me to come out there in October when Hanson is playing a show in Detroit so Talia and I can go together.  This is probably one of the nicest things that someone outside of my family has done for me.
 The only problem is that weekend of that Detroit show is Homecoming weekend at the school I work at, one of the very few weekends in a year that I have to work.  Of course.  So now we're looking into the weekend before that one when Hanson is doing two consecutive  shows in Chicago.

I hope this all can work out.  It would be amazing trip and I miss Talia so much.  Plus it will give me another thing to look forward to and something else happy to think about.  I do like happy thoughts.

Tonight I'm going out with Nicole and Jess and I think our friend Jesse is coming out too which should be pretty fun.

Well, his stuff is gone.  Both Sue and Heather went to make sure everything went okay.  Shawn's mom said they would be there "between 1-2" but actually showed up well before 1:00, but Heather made sure to get there really early and was there when they got there, thankfully.  I don't know if they did that on purpose, but whatever.

I guess his mom still made some remarks about the desk.  She also thought she was going to be able to go into the house and "take pictures."  What she wanted to take pictures of, I don't know.  But they were not allowed in the house.  Everything was on the porch like we told them it would be, she had no reason to be surprised.  So I don't know if she still took pictures of the stuff.  It makes me nervous though.  Like she is going to look for some damage on something and blame me for it.  There isn't damage to anything that I know of and if there is it's something Shawn did.

I have officially unfriended his mom on facebook.  I had all of her stuff hidden, but I would still check it from time to time.

All I need is one more rent check and I'm done.

Except unfortunately I'm still having Shawn dreams.  Last night I had a really vivid one...and I always do the same things in dreams like that, I always ask myself if it's really a dream in the dream.  Then I confirm with myself that it isn't, that it's actually happening.  So anyway, Shawn came home and came back to me and I was in shock about it and we laid in bed together and we talked.  I told him his family has been horrible to me and they just came and got his stuff and said, "why couldn't you have decided all this before they picked up your things?" I took him back.  I was about to tell him about Spencer and Joey, but I think I woke up around that time.

I honestly don't know what I would do if Shawn decided he wanted to be back in my life.  I know how I should feel.  I know I should tell him no and not even think about getting back into anything with a guy who could do this to me.  But he was such a huge part of my life.

But whatever, I doubt I'll ever have to worry about it.

In other news, Spencer messaged me randomly on facebook yesterday.  He didn't say much, he just asked if I was working and acted like it was amazing that I had the week off.  I asked him if he needed something from work (because why else would be message me?) and he said he didn't.  So whatever.  I don't know what that was about.

Joey and I have been talking a lot over the past week.  He is a really positive guy with a great attitude.  I like talking with him.  I hope it translates when we meet...which will be on Sunday unless something changes.

Other than that my week has not been very eventful, which is fine.

Sing it if you know it...

Odin thought he was one of the things that would be sent back.  I told him not to worry, I was keeping him.

So, all of his things are out on the porch.  Heather, my friend and manager is going to go to the house tomorrow and supervise.  At first I didn't think anyone really needed to be there, but after the desk freak out I decided it was better to send someone.

I'm almost done with them.  All I need is for the stuff to be gone and the last rent check.  I hope that last check isn't an issue.  We didn't ask them to bring it with them tomorrow because we didn't want her to ask about the security deposit again.  If we tell her Shawn isn't getting any of that she probably won't send it.

Also, she said she wanted the coffee table back, which was one of the things I planned on keeping.  I mentioned this to one of my managers and it just so happened that her husband's cousin was having a garage sale this weekend and was selling a coffee table for $10, so mom and I went and picked it up today.  So that worked out!

The wedding was fun.  I was afraid I was going to feel awkward going alone, but it was fine.  I'm really happy for them, but I did find myself feeling a little sad at times.  Especially when Bart and Kristina had their first dance and then they invited all the other couples to come dance too.  I was left completely alone at my table to just watch.

Sometimes I look at my life in terms of "what this moment would be like if Shawn were still here" and at the moment it was all I could think of.  I would have looked at him and said, "come on!" and he would have protested a little, but he would have gotten up and danced with me.

I want what they have.  I want a wedding.  I want to be with someone who knows me so well and loves me.

I've been talking with Joey online just about every day.  When I get back up to Albany we're probably going to meet.  Hopefully that goes well.

I can't wait until tomorrow is over.  Even though I'm not going to be there I'm still dreading it.  I just want that text from Heather telling me they're gone.

I don't think Shawn's mom is a human being.  Human beings have feelings.  I don't think she has any of those.

Tonight she showed more concern over Shawn's desk than she has ever shown me.

I had Sue's husband, Dave come over tonight to help me move the desk out to the porch.  We pushed it the 10 feet from the second bedroom to the porch.  It took less than 5 minutes and was actually way easier than I thought it would be.

Shawn's mom messaged my mom tonight to confirm coming on Sunday and my mom mentioned that we already had the desk out on the porch for them and she freaked out saying the desk wasn't meant to be moved and it needed to be taken apart and she hoped I knew what I was doing, but it's too late now!

Kinda want to smash the desk into pieces and ask her if that's how you take it apart?

Mom is coming up tomorrow and she's going to help me get all of his stuff out there.

It still makes me sad though.  When Shawn and I moved into this house I never for one second thought that it would be like this.  I thought we'd be here together for a long time.  I never thought I'd have to put all his stuff out for his parent's to come pick up.  It sucks.

In other news, I went out with Kristina and Bart tonight.  Their wedding is on Friday and I can't believe how fast that came.

Oh and apparently I'm going to be 15 years old again and go to Warped Tour with Steph in a few weeks.  She's taking her younger cousin.  I don't even know who any of the bands are anymore, but I'm excited to have a weekend away.  We're going to go to Niagara Falls and possibly Six Flags as well, so it should be a good time.

...and now I'm going to bed.

Weird day.

So I had Spencer all wrong.  He's not the guy I thought he was and it's a good thing we're done with whatever it was we were doing.  I definitely didn't know him as well as I thought I did.  Sound familiar?

Today at work I learned a lot about him.  I learned that he will talk about his new relationship right in front of me and I learned that he has been seeing other girls these past few weeks and I learned that he lied to me many times.

He seriously stood about 5 feet away from me, knew full well that I could hear him, and had an incredibly long conversation with another employee about the new girl he has been seeing.  It was extremely hurtful.  I have no idea why he did that.  He even said that this girl told him she was worried that he would cheat on her and he told her, "I wouldn't!  I just stopped talking to like 3 girls because of you!"

I don't anticipate his relationship with this girl is going to last very long.  I would not be surprised if I get a text from him in the coming weeks.  He's not going to get a reply.  He knows full well what I've been going through.  Why he would act like this today is beyond me.

Oh and then he also told me I looked nice today.  He can shut up now.

Then my mom told me Shawn's mom called her today.  They want to come up on Sunday and get his things.  I won't be here.  I still need to figure things out.  I don't really want them coming in the house without anyone being here.

She also said Shawn has been having a hard time over there and has been in and out of the hospital.  She then said she didn't know that Shawn was seeing anyone, she thought he just had a friend he was hanging out with a lot.

I wish she knew how much her son hurt me.  I wish she cared.

So whatever.

So...online dating?

I never told Shawn, but before I met him I was on okcupid and I went out with a couple guys.  Nothing came of it and Shawn came into my life, so I disabled my profile.  The thought of going back to that bummed me out, but I don't really see what the harm is.  So I enabled my profile last night and started talking to a guy named Joey who seems pretty nice.

Why not?  We'll see what happens.

Spencer texted me tonight to ask how I was.  I made the mistake of saying "alright" again and he said the exact same thing he said on Friday, asking my why I was just alright and what was wrong.  I mean, seriously?  He also asked what was new with me and how Odin was.  Then he asked if I was mad at him.  I'm honestly not really mad at him, I'm just kinda disappointed and sad about the whole thing, so I told him I wasn't.  We work together tomorrow and two more times this week, so I'm sure he's just trying to make sure things are ok when we see each other.  This is the first time I'm hoping he's not put in my department. But things will be fine.  They have to be, I'm his supervisor.

Shawn's mom still haven't given us a date for when they're going to come get his stuff and I still haven't really prepared for it, so I'm hoping it's not next week.

Only 4 more days until I'm on vacation.  Not that I'm going anywhere or doing anything exciting, but it will be nice to not work for a week.

So after going a week with Spencer acting weird, I texted him tonight just to talk.  He asked me how I've been doing lately and when my response was, "alright" he said, "why just alright? what's wrong?"

So I told him.  I told him I'm bummed out that he hasn't been talking to me outside of work and doesn't seem to want to hang out anymore kinda out of nowhere.

His response?  Surprise!  He met another girl and he really likes her and he's sorry.

Story of my life.

I get really close to people and then they find someone else they like better and stop hanging out with me.

As I sit here crying at 11:30 at night, I'm trying to tell myself that I knew this never would have worked out.  Like I said before, I can't expect him to not see other girls if I can't be with him in any kind of romantic way.  He's far too good looking and outgoing to just sit around waiting for someone.

But I was really hoping he would.  He said so many nice things and made me feel better and it was just last week that we were hanging out and he was telling me he wasn't going to hook up with anyone and drunk texting me that he wants me.

I think I just let myself get too caught up in it.  He was the first guy since Shawn who showed interest in me and I'm so lonely and it felt so nice to have someone else's attention.

So now I'm back to feeling pretty miserable again.  I hate that Shawn is probably all happy in his new life with his new girlfriend and I'm sitting here crying.

Life isn't fair.  That's a very hard lesson I've learned this year.

Odin is the only boy I need in my life.

I don't even know what is going on.  All I know is I miss being in a relationship and not having to play any games, just knowing that I'm with someone who loves me and I'll always have someone to come home to and hang out with.

Spencer has become very confusing and if I didn't like him so much I would totally just move on and forget about this whole thing.

He hasn't been very talkative and on Saturday night he told me we were definitely still going to hang out on Sunday, but then Sunday afternoon he told me he couldn't anymore.  So I asked him if he wanted to hang out another time this week and he said, "of course!" so when I tried to make a plan to hang out, he ignored the question.  Literally.  We would be texting and I would bring up him coming over and he'd reply, but not acknowledge that I asked.  So I flat out asked him if something was wrong and if we were okay.  He told me we were fine, he's just in a down mood lately and he's "thinking about things."  So again, I told him if he wanted a distraction he could always come over here.  I said, "you can come over and watch Supernatural and get away from your thinky thoughts for a little while."  His response was that I was one of his "thinky thoughts."  But he told me it's not a bad thing.  Whatever that means.

So we worked all day together yesterday and things were fine and he was flirty, but he still did not acknowledge that I asked him to come over.  So last night I texted him and told him I wasn't going to push anymore and he can let me know when he's done thinking and wants to hang out again and that I had a good day at work with him.

No reply.

But he comes into work this morning and stops to talk to me and asks me how I am and how my night was and asked if anything was wrong since I "didn't look happy."  Then later he walks over and randomly gives me a hug.

The vibe I get from him when we're working together is that everything is fine.  But then work ends and he doesn't talk to me and it looks like he doesn't want to hang out anymore.

I just hate games.  But I don't want to give up on him.  It just makes me feel like I'm not worth his time anymore and I'm so tired of not being worth anyone's time.  I just feel so insecure.  Like what happened that made him not want to check in with me anymore?

He's getting a new phone tonight.  He told me not to be confused if I get a text from a random number since he has to change his when he gets the phone.  I'm really hoping he does actually text me, I don't want to not have his number anymore.

Just...blah.  I came home and cried tonight.  I'm so tired of feeling like this.  I just want to be happy.

I don't know why, probably because I was feeling crappy last night, but I decided to go through my old messages with Shawn on facebook.  There isn't much there besides me begging him to talk to me in January/February.  But I did find a conversation we had while sitting in the same room from January of last year.  I miss this.

Me: sup man, what are you doing?

Shawn: Leave me alone :)

Me: no :)

Shawn: This is stupid :)

Me: your face is stupid

Shawn: Ouch

Me: remember when we used to talk on aim?

Shawn: Yes.  Way to bring the conversation to a dead end.  Failure.

Me: Just like old times.

Shawn: Why don't you tell me about a dream you had?  That would be equally exciting :)  Also, here is what I'm thinking about:

1- I need to pick a new hockey team
2- I am outrageously hungry.
3- I love you
4-but not as much as hockey :)

...and I'm not reading that novel you are typing

Me: one time i was driving in my car and then i fell out of it right before it drove itself right into traffic but it made it across western without being hit and ran into a bank but didn't need any repairs because it was fine and i was relieved..then i woke up!

Shawn: not reading it, I don't know what you said

Me: aww and I like #3. I forgot how nice you are online.

Shawn: :( <--that's you.  You're a gloomasaurus.  That's latin for "gloomy lizard."  Or something.

Me: lets talk online from now on.

Shawn: Okay.  It'll be great.  I'll call Dr. Phil and tell him how it made our lives better :P

Me: gotta go, bye.

Shawn: Okay.  Lates.

That's the Shawn I miss.  The Shawn who would sit in the same room with me and talk to me online and be silly.  I wish I could have that Shawn back.  But I realize he's not that person anymore. 

Still waiting to hear from Spencer.  He texted me one more time last night, I texted back and asked how he was doing at home and he didn't reply.  I'm trying not to look too much into it.  He'll probably text tonight.  I hope.  I'm feeling pretty down, I could use him right now.

Feeling lonely and insecure tonight.

I wish I could stop myself from feeling like I'm not good enough.  From feeling like Spencer is going to shy away from me at any moment.

I blame Shawn for this.  I went months thinking, "Shawn wouldn't break up with me, he just told me he loved me," "Shawn wouldn't stop talking to me, he just sent me that e-mail," etc. I made a million excuses for him to try to make myself feel better.

So when Spencer is quiet and not texting me back, I find myself doing the same thing.

I did get a couple texts last night.  The first one at 12:30 that said, "I WANT YOU..." and then another one at 2:30 with just, "<3"

I tried to make light of it this morning when I texted him back, saying I was surprised he only sent me two texts after he made it seem like I might be getting them all night.  Then I reminded him about a book he ordered that came in this week that he needed to pick up at the store today.  All his reply back to me said was, "I'll be there around 3."  He usually sends long texts with lots of exclamation points and smiley faces, so it was kind of unlike him.

He came in and got the book...and he looked really good.  He told me I looked nice and I tried to ask him about the party, but he was with a friend who kept interrupting and one of our managers was there asking him stuff, so it was hard to have a conversation.

I texted him tonight to tell him to have a good trip home since he's going to his mom's house this weekend.  After a while he replied and told me he was sorry for the drunk texts and he was embarrassed about them.  I told him not to worry about it.  He then said the party wasn't very fun for him and he had trouble holding down his beer.  I told him that sucks and I was sorry.  That was about an hour ago, no reply.

I know I freak out and worry too much.  I'm just so prepared for him to be done with me that I read into every little thing and start making the same excuses that I made for Shawn.  Right now it's, "he wouldn't be texting last night like that if he didn't still like you."  I also know he wasn't feeling very good today and he had a lot going on, so that's probably why he's been quieter than usual.  But I don't know if these are real excuses or if he's feeling differently.

So yeah, that's where I'm at tonight.  I'm dog-sitting my brother and sister-in-law's dog Mila this weekend and the weather is awful, so it looks like I'm going to spend most of it stuck in doors with the dogs and no one to hang out with...waiting for my phone to tell me I have a new text message.

Can he read my mind or something?

Spencer texted me and asked if I was mad at him.  I said I wasn't and wanted to know why he thought that.  He then told me he thought I might be mad about the party and that he wanted me to know he wasn't going to get drunk and hook up with anyone.

So, good to know.

He hasn't drunk texted me tonight (yet), but I think that's for the best.  There are other student employees there, I don't want them to see him texting me and have rumors start.

Anyway.

I'm pretty sure I had a Shawn dream last night.  I don't remember it though.  The dreams are far less frequent lately, which is good.  I find they are usually spawned by something that happened that involved him during the day.  Like Odin's dog license renewal paperwork came in the mail yesterday addressed to both Shawn and me.  Just another reminder of how incredibly different my life was one year ago.

It must be so nice for Shawn not to have any reminders of me and our relationship at all.  He won't ever get anything in the mail addressed to us and have it feel like a punch in the stomach.

Still lonely tonight.  It's going to be lonely for the next few days.  I just want to to fast forward to Sunday.

Feeling lonely tonight.

Spencer has a friend here that he is hanging out with.  Sarah moved out of her apartment and isn't in the area anymore.  Kristina is working late tonight.

I kinda don't know what to do with myself, so I packed up some of Shawn's stuff, which made me feel sad...and angry.

He hid his VK profile, finally.  So now I don't have to see it anymore.  I wonder if he hid it because of me.  Doesn't matter, I'm glad he did.

I had a good time with Spencer last night.  He is just so cute and nice and I love spending time with him.  There was was moment last night when he was trying to get Odin to jump up on the couch into his lap.  He was tapping his leg with his hand, but Odin wouldn't come up so he tapped my leg to see if he would come to me.  Odin still wouldn't come up, but he left his hand there for a little bit.  I wanted to reach out and grab it.  But I didn't.

Stupid work rules.

I hate how complicated this all is.  I really like him, but I can't be with him in the way we both want and I don't want him to see other girls, but I can't expect him not to if he can't be with me.

I'm kind of hoping he will come to some big revelation that I'm who he wants to be with and I'm worth finding another job for.  But I know that probably won't happen.

He's having a party tomorrow night.  It probably would not be appropriate for me to go since he is inviting other student workers from the bookstore.  Plus parties and drinking isn't really my thing.  So I'm probably going to sit here lonely tomorrow night too and hope that he's not hooking up with another girl.  He totally could, if he wanted to.  Have I mentioned how attractive he is?

He told me he would probably be drunk texting me.  We'll see how that goes.  I kinda hope he does so at least I know he's thinking of me.

I'm not going to see him again until Sunday since he's not working anymore this week and  has the party tomorrow night and then he's going home to work a job on Friday through the weekend.  He asked me at work if we could hang out and watch Supernatural again on Sunday night.  He even said please.  He's adorable.

Alright, back to feeling sorry myself and wishing I wasn't alone.

June 4th!  Check came today.  Along with a note telling me that they would be coming at the end of June to get his things.

I have the last week of June off and I planned on going to my parent's house for most of it.  I'm thinking I'm just going to put all of his stuff out on the porch and let them come and get it themselves when I'm not here.  I'll need some help getting his stupid desk out of here though.  I think my friend Sue's husband would be happy to help with that.

I kind of want to break all of his DVDs and put them in a box.  That would be a fun surprise for him whenever he gets back.

Hanging out with Spencer tonight.  I told him I had to go grocery shopping and I would text him when I got back.  So I did and almost an hour went by without him texting me, so of course I immediately think that he doesn't want to hang out anymore.  So I texted him and asked if he did.  When he finally got back to me he said he went to the gym and just got back, but of course he still wanted to hang out.

I always think the worst.  I need to stop doing that.

So now it's off to the bank to deposit the check before I meet up with Spencer on campus.

Only one more check left to go then I can be done with them.

For as complicated as my situation with Spencer is, I'm really glad he came into my life when he did.  I think I would be having a much harder time with all this if he wasn't around, especially knowing that Shawn has moved on to someone else now.  It makes me feel better since I might have something, too.  Maybe.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still constantly thinking about "the situation."  Like I've said before, it's going to take me a long time to come to terms with what Shawn did.  I hope one day he can be an adult and talk to me or even write me an e-mail.  I hope it hits him like a ton of bricks some day.  I also wish I could talk to that girl he is seeing and tell her what she's getting into because I'm going to guess she has no idea what he did to me.  If she did she'd probably stay far away.  I hope she breaks up with him and he feels miserable and thinks about what a terrible person he has become.

So last night was fun.  I met up with Spencer on campus and we walked back to my house.  We didn't cross any lines, as much as I think we both want to.  We just sat here on the couch and watched three episodes of Supernatural and talked and laughed and he ended up lying on the floor trying to play with Odin.  It was cute.  Then I drove him home and he texted me immediately.

He told me I make him nervous and he gets tongue tied and feels butterflies in his stomach when he's around me.  He sends me texts during the day just to see how my day is going.  He didn't work today, but he stopped in to see me and bring me candy (he lost a bet to me last week).  We didn't see each other tonight because his new roommate asked him to hang out, but he's still been texting me on and off all night.  

He makes me feel special.  He gives me attention and he listens to me.  He makes me smile.

If it wasn't for the work situation I think things may have progressed a little more by now, but that's a big road block.

He's coming over again tomorrow night.  I'm looking forward to it.

Also, it's June 3rd.  Still no check from Shawn's mom.  Frustrating.

Boys...

Hey, did you know boys are confusing?

I knew this, but its been so long since I've had to deal with it that I kinda forgot.  And I'm not talking "moving to a different country and cutting me out of his life" kind of confusing.  This is a little more simple than that.  But still confusing.

After I updated on Wednesday I got more texts from Spencer.  I told him to have a good day off and then he told me he would be in court all day for some tickets he had gotten.  Then he said "this isn't fair" and I assumed he was talking about his tickets, so I said I was sorry he had to deal with that since going to court probably isn't fun.  He then replied with, "yeah, but that's not what I'm talking about" then told me once again how nice he thought I looked that day and then told me he wished I could come over and cuddle.

So, he just wants to be friends?

He was totally back to flirting today at work too...and he wants to hang out on Sunday.  I suggested going for a walk.  He suggested going for a walk and then coming back to my house.  I said that should be okay.

I know, I'm walking a thin line here and I'm not entirely sure this is the best thing for me, but I really do like him and we can still be friends and hang out.  Friends go to each other's houses, right?

He's just so cute and he pays attention to me and he knows all about the Shawn stuff so it's easy to talk to him about it.

Also, I wish Shawn would make his VK profile hidden because I can't stop myself from checking it every day.  There hasn't been any updates on it since mid-May, but still.

Oh and still no rent check from his mom.  I'm hoping it will come tomorrow.  I really don't want to have to make a big deal over this, but if she's going to stop sending the money it's going to be a problem.

Sometimes I just stop and think, "what is my life right now?"  Kinda having one of those moments.