Feeling lonely and insecure tonight.

I wish I could stop myself from feeling like I'm not good enough.  From feeling like Spencer is going to shy away from me at any moment.

I blame Shawn for this.  I went months thinking, "Shawn wouldn't break up with me, he just told me he loved me," "Shawn wouldn't stop talking to me, he just sent me that e-mail," etc. I made a million excuses for him to try to make myself feel better.

So when Spencer is quiet and not texting me back, I find myself doing the same thing.

I did get a couple texts last night.  The first one at 12:30 that said, "I WANT YOU..." and then another one at 2:30 with just, "<3"

I tried to make light of it this morning when I texted him back, saying I was surprised he only sent me two texts after he made it seem like I might be getting them all night.  Then I reminded him about a book he ordered that came in this week that he needed to pick up at the store today.  All his reply back to me said was, "I'll be there around 3."  He usually sends long texts with lots of exclamation points and smiley faces, so it was kind of unlike him.

He came in and got the book...and he looked really good.  He told me I looked nice and I tried to ask him about the party, but he was with a friend who kept interrupting and one of our managers was there asking him stuff, so it was hard to have a conversation.

I texted him tonight to tell him to have a good trip home since he's going to his mom's house this weekend.  After a while he replied and told me he was sorry for the drunk texts and he was embarrassed about them.  I told him not to worry about it.  He then said the party wasn't very fun for him and he had trouble holding down his beer.  I told him that sucks and I was sorry.  That was about an hour ago, no reply.

I know I freak out and worry too much.  I'm just so prepared for him to be done with me that I read into every little thing and start making the same excuses that I made for Shawn.  Right now it's, "he wouldn't be texting last night like that if he didn't still like you."  I also know he wasn't feeling very good today and he had a lot going on, so that's probably why he's been quieter than usual.  But I don't know if these are real excuses or if he's feeling differently.

So yeah, that's where I'm at tonight.  I'm dog-sitting my brother and sister-in-law's dog Mila this weekend and the weather is awful, so it looks like I'm going to spend most of it stuck in doors with the dogs and no one to hang out with...waiting for my phone to tell me I have a new text message.