A year ago today I was doing exactly what I am now, baking cookies for work tomorrow.  Only, Shawn isn't here to eat a bunch of them.  I think last New Year's eve was the last time I remember feeling truly content.  I mean, the China thing was looming and Shawn had begun to act like a weirdo, but he was still him and we were still us and I came home after work to him here in the house cleaning the bathroom while the TV was on and Odin was there to greet me at the door.  I just remember feeling happy at that moment, thinking how nice it was to come home to.  Then we went out to shop for some alcohol to drink that night, most of which ended up sitting in the fridge until well into this year.  Then we just sat on the couch with each other, watching a movie and waiting for the ball to drop.  It was nice.  Thinking back on it makes me sad.  I just had no idea what was ahead for me.  I had no idea what the man I was sitting next to was going to do to me.  I didn't know what 2013 was going to turn out to be.  It was only just a few days after that that he left while I was at work and never came back.

I can't believe it has been almost exactly one year since I had him here in person.  Since I gave him that last kiss.  He's still the last person that I kissed.

This year has sucked.  2013 will go down as the worst year of my life.  I have never felt so miserable and completely helpless in my life.  I've never felt so down and ruined.  I've never felt so horrible about myself.

These are all feelings I want to get rid of in 2014.  I want to just let it all go, but it's easier said than done.  I guess my resolution for next year will be moving on.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to.  I'm still to this day, clinging so hard to my old life with Shawn.  He let go of that before he even ended things with me.  I can't let go of it and we've been officially broken up since March.  This healing process is going way slower than I would like it to.

Anyway, with all that said, I had a very good time in Boston this weekend.  The Celtics won and I got to see some new things and be out and about, which is something I need to do more of next year.  Bars aren't really my favorite places to hang out, but it was fine.  If I actually liked the taste of beer I probably would liked the places we went to a lot better.  My brother is still convinced he can get me to like beer.  He had me try everything he drank.  I couldn't stand the taste of 95% of it.

We're back to Boston in February for another game.  I'm looking forward to it.

Here was our view at the game:

It looks super far away, but it was actually a great view.

Justin annoyed me, but I did my best to not let it show that I was disgusted by him.  It was pretty interesting to see the other side, though.  He still wears his wedding ring even though he refuses to speak to his wife.  He still has his dogs as his lock screen on his phone, but he doesn't have them anymore.  But he didn't utter one mention on Erin the entire time.

So now that Monday is out of the way, tomorrow is back to more fun.  It's off to Syracuse after I get out of work at 2.  I'm going to see my friend Ashley who I haven't seen in years and we're going to see Hanson.  I'm really looking forward to it.  At least I'm not going to spend the beginning of 2014 alone on my couch.

This will likely be the last entry of 2013.  Here's hoping the 2014 blogs will be more positive.

Christmas was nice.  It was a good two days of relaxing.  I decided to stay at mom and dad's last night and drive up to Albany this morning, which was a bad move.  We somehow missed that there would be a winter storm in the morning, so I had to drive back up here in it.  It was awful.  I was completely stressed out.  My car was sliding and I was super scared I was going to go off the road.  Worst snow driving weather I've ever been in.

But I got back up here and got back just in time for work.  I spent most of the day feeling jittery and tired.  When 4 rolled around I was so ready to go home, but my manager made us all stay until a little after 5.  Oh well.  More money.

My Christmas present from Chris and Lindsey was a trip to Boston this weekend.  We're going to stay the night and go to a Celtics game.  Everyone was in the surprise, even my managers since Chris and Lindsey originally thought they were going to have to leave on Friday so I would have had to leave work early, but we're leaving Saturday morning instead.  I'm excited!  I like trips.

But this news came with a little bit of very disappointing news.  Chris and Lindsey have these friends, Justin and Erin.  I don't know them very well, but they hung out and their house a lot so I got to know them a little bit.  They have two boston terriers, Lucky and Lucy that Odin likes to play with.  Lucky loved Shawn.  I have a cute picture of us sitting on the couch with all of the dogs at a party and Lucky is perched on Shawn's shoulder.

Anyway.  Justin and Erin were engaged and got married this summer.  I think in August or September, so not that long ago.  Well apparently Justin pulled a Shawn and has completely cut Erin off.  He won't talk to her and she doesn't know why.  She just said something snapped in him after they got married and now they're getting divorced.  She has already moved out of their apartment with the dogs.  He has asked her not to contact him in any way.

Well, Justin is coming with us to Boston.  Chris and Lindsey are not happy with him and he wouldn't be coming if they hadn't planned this so long ago.  They're not planning to hang out with him again after this.  I don't know how I'm going to tolerate being around him, knowing what he's doing and knowing exactly how Erin is feeling.  I guess I can be thankful I wasn't married when everything fell apart.

This is news I would like to share with Shawn.  I bet he'd be surprised to learn that they're getting divorced, but I guess he can't be too surprised since he went crazy, too.  None of what either of them did was normal.  How do they live with themselves?

So I've been thinking about Erin a lot.  Like I said, I don't know her well at all, but I always liked her and she seemed really sweet and I feel for her.

...and on that sad note, I'm going to head to bed.  At 9:00.  I super tired and I washed my sheets tonight so I'm excited about that.  My life is so sad.

It's Christmas Eve.  I worked until 5 last night then drove home.  I have to work on Thursday, though so I'm headed back up to Albany tomorrow night.  I think that also adds to my not feeling very Christmassy this year.  I had the weekend, I worked for one day, I get two days off for Christmas Eve and Christmas then it's back to work.  Plus we're not going anywhere tomorrow, which also makes it weird.  We used to go to my cousin's house every year, but that changed a couple years ago.  Last year we went to Lindsey's mom house, but we're not going this year.  Chris and Lindsey will be here tomorrow for a while then they have to head back to Albany too.

I went a couple nights without any Shawn dreams.  I even had a dream about a guy I used to have a crush on when I was like 18.  It was weird.  But nice to have another guy in my dreams.  But then last night it went back to Shawn.  He was back and we were back together.  For some reason we were staying in the hotel room we stayed at in New York when we went to there for the 4th of July a few years back.  We were just lying in bed talking and I told him he had to give me his new cell phone number since his old one wasn't his anymore and we talked about how weird it was that someone else is using his old phone number.

...and once again, it felt incredibly real.  Which makes everything hurt even more.

On Monday I wished people a Merry Christmas Eve Eve and every time, in the back of my head I heard him saying, "not a thing!"

Ugghhhhh.  I want to stop obsessing over this.  Like I don't even know what to do anymore.  I feel like I'm just never going to move on.  I'm just always going to be stuck in this sad place and I'm never going to meet anyone else.

Blah.  Merry Christmas.

I Hope You Suffer

Also, I decided to finally listen to AFI's new album tonight.  I just listened to "I Hope You Suffer" and wow does that song speak to me.  I wish I could get that angry because those lyrics pretty much describe how I wish I could feel instead of being so sad.

I got two letters from you
Last words of the runaway
Your love was written so true
and now I can't speak your name
I faced destruction and you just killed me and walked away
I gave my heart to the cruel
Now it will not beat again

I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
Just like I suffered

No one will ever know you
Deny the last one who cares
Intoxicate with the new
Pretend I'm no longer here
I opened my heart to you
You lied just to reach inside

Now with the faith you removed our hope for forgiveness dies

I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
Just like I suffered

I've seen my darkest days
You gave each one to me
I've seen my darkest days
You gave each one to me
You have been lost for days
May find my darkness

I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
I hope you suffer
I hope you do
Just like I, I fucking suffered

Just like you
You made me suffer
I hope you, I hope you do

It has been a busy week.  I've worked open to close every day.  But it's over now, yay!

On Wednesday after work I went with Chris and Lindsey to see Anchorman 2.  It was hilarious and I loved it, but of course since everything I do comes back to Shawn, I just kept thinking about how he and I were so excited when we learned about the sequel.  During the week he talked to me when he was in China we talked about him coming home and how he would be back in time for the Anchorman 2 premiere and we would see it together.

Then today I bought back a book from a student that had Shawn's initials in it.  That's happened a few times.  I'm not sure if I've talked about this before, but when we take books back we write our initials and the date on the inside cover.  Whenever I open a book and see his initials inside, my stomach drops a little bit.  I'm not sure why it bothers me so much.  His stupid, ugly handwriting.

My dream last night was weird.  I was having dinner with Shawn and his family.  We were sitting at the same table, but he refused to acknowledge me.  His mom tried talking to me.  I can't remember what she said, but I did want to start crying right there at the table.  I just wanted so badly for him to turn and just look at me.  But he didn't.

To this day I still can't believe I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that horrible break up e-mail.  I just absolutely cannot believe he hasn't even cared to check in on me.  I like to think that in the back of his head he is completely ashamed of what he did.  But it would have been nice if he had at least written me at some point this year.  He has no idea what he's done to me and how he's made me feel about myself.  I just wish I could make him feel the pain I've felt this past year.  But I don't even exist to him anymore.  It's like I never mattered.

I don't know how to get over this.  I want to go just one day where I don't think about him.

So in my dream last night I was talking to Shawn online.  We were talking on AIM, which is how we used to talk when we were just friends.  He was still in China and I  was like, "so you're really not coming back?" and he said he wasn't this year, but he would be back and started talking like we were still together and telling me about all the stuff has done and things he has bought me over there.  That's all I can remember about it really.

Why can't I be one of those people who can't remember their dreams?  

I've done absolutely nothing today.  I slept in until 10, which was nice.  Then the day went by really quickly and I'm not sure why.  

Chris and Lindsey are having a holiday party tonight.  They have one every year and Shawn and I usually went.  I considered going by myself, but I decided not to.  We're having a snow storm at the moment and the roads are terrible, I'm sure.  But I probably wouldn't have gone even if it wasn't snowing.  Doing things like that alone still bums me out.

In other news, I learned Spencer and his girlfriend broke up a few days ago.  Apparently he stopped by the store yesterday.  I didn't see him, but I was told he had two black eyes.  No idea what the happened.  His facebook doesn't give any details.  But his relationship with that girl lasted way longer than I thought it would.  

Well, I guess I'll go back to my very productive night of sitting on my couch waiting for SNL to come on.

Come on, Parenthood.  I'm not supposed to cry watching Parenthood!

Spoilers for Parenthood!

I didn't really root for Ryan and Amber because he's such a robot.  But in the last episode he snapped and beat someone up over her.  So now in tonight's episode Amber was all conflicted about what to do about her relationship and in the end she came to the conclusion that she still wanted to make things work, despite everything because she loved him and couldn't picture a future without him.  She told him all this while he just sat there silently.  Then he was all, "I can't do this life, I reenlisted, it's done."  Then she lost it and I could just feel what this fictional character was feeling...to have everything ripped away from you when you tried so hard to make it work and didn't give up.  To have the other person just give up and decide it's over without even letting you have a say.  

Blah.

I hope I'm done wallowing and relating every single thing to my situation soon.

He showed up in my dreams again last night.  I was in the city for some reason and I saw him drive by.  I wondered why he was in the city and I wondered if he would stop to talk to me.  He didn't.

So I decided to stay up here this weekend rather than going home since we're supposed to get a snow storm.  I was on the fence about it, but then Steph messaged me and asked me to come over to her new house tomorrow night, so I'm headed there after work tomorrow night.  Looking forward to it.

Next week is finals week so I'm working open to close every day.  Long hours, but that means more money, which I could definitely use right now.

...and that's all for tonight.

Last night I dreamt that Shawn had come home.  We were sitting here on the couch and I just couldn't believe he was here.  It felt so, incredibly real.  Most of them do, but this one was just so clear and vivid.

I said, "can I ask you something?" and he said I could ask anything.  I said, "were you dating someone else when you were in China?" and he said, "does it matter, I'm here now, aren't I?" and then I asked him if he slept with her and he didn't answer and I said, "so, you did."  He seemed so nonchalant about it.  That's the part of the dream I remember most.  But he was there, in front of me.  It was him and he sounded the same and looked the same.

Then I woke up at 3 am and just wanted to cry.  It's so weird to wake up from these dreams.  Because I'm with him and then he's just gone.

Odin and I went for a walk alone tonight around the neighborhood.  Lots of people have their lights up and it's nice to look at.  I decided not to do any decorating this year.  Last year I put lights in the front window.  But I just not up to it now.  I also have a small tree in the basement that we've put up for the past two years, but that will stay down there this year.

I can't believe Christmas is in two weeks.  This year really did fly by, which is crazy because I feel like it should have gone slower with how miserable I was.

That's all I got for tonight.  Hope there will be no dreams tonight.

Well, this is stupid.

Kristina and I planned to walk the dogs tonight and she told me 4:30 would be a good time, but she would text me when she left her house.  So 4:30 came and there was no text, but that's not unusual.  Then 5:00 rolled around without a text, still not unusual, but I decided I'd text her and see what was up anyway.  When I went to text her I got a text from her saying, "leaving now" so I got up and got bundled up and took Odin out.  I walked down the street, didn't see her.  I walked down to her street, still didn't see her.  So I texted her and asked where she was.  Apparently she had texted me that she was leaving at 4:30, but my phone didn't give me the text until 5.  So she and her husband went on a walk without me and she wasn't up to going on another one right then, but then said we could go for a walk around 7 instead.  So I showered and did laundry so I didn't have to do that stuff when I got back.  I was getting ready to go out again when she texted me to say she didn't really feel like walking tonight after all.

So of course now I'm crying about it.  I feel like such a baby.  It's just like...I live my life waiting for distractions and I honestly look forward to our walks, but when we don't go out I just sit here alone some more.  They give me something to look forward to.

Then I just think that I'm sitting here crying while Kristina is at home with her husband, not alone.  The walks probably don't mean to her what they mean to me because she always has someone to come home to.

It has just been a really weird week.  I think it was on Wednesday that I came home from work and slammed my finger in the screen door.  It hurt so much and I lost it and couldn't stop crying all night.  I just got so mad and sad and the feeling stayed with me through the next day and I'm not sure its really gone away.  Mom came up this weekend and that was nice and I've been fine all weekend and thought I was doing okay when she left, but the walk thing really set me off tonight.

I'm just...blah.  I had a Shawn dream the other night where I saw him on the street and he ignored me.  Makes sense.

My last blog felt kinda hopeful, I know.  I'm not feeling all that hopeful at the moment.

I had typed out a long blog about last year's Thanksgiving and how Shawn's family spent it here in this house while I went home and how I came home to him...but I realize I need to stop living in the past.

My thoughts are constantly consumed Shawn and how things used to be and how things aren't like that anymore.  I need to find a way to cut it off.

I came back to Albany yesterday after spending a week at home.  It was nice and I enjoyed being with my family.  I cried when I left because I just hated the thought of coming back up here to be alone.

It's December.  Shawn could possibly be home now if he decided not to stay.  But that doesn't matter.  What matters is it's almost the end of the worst year of my life.  I keep hearing Shawn's voice in my head telling me that, "2014 is going to be a good a year for us." Well, that was a lie.  But I want to do all I can to make sure 2014 is a good year for me.  I need to stop wallowing.  I need to do something.  I don't know exactly what that something is, but I need to figure it out.  I need to set some goals.  I need to not dwell on things anymore.  I know I keep saying that, but I really want to mean it this time.

While I figure that out, here are a couple pictures from last week.

It must be the end of the road 
It must be the end of you and I 
And forever too 
Walking the last bridge alone 
We've given up on the good times 
And the bad we knew 

When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well 
There's still someone 
That I can tell my troubles to 

Me, myself, and I will never be alone 
We'll find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 
Myself and I will never be alone 
We will find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

When did it start getting old? 
When did it stop being worth the time 
Just to see it through? 
I don't want to get used to 'It's over' 
We've already said too much 
To make it new 

When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well 
There's still someone 
That I can tell my troubles to 

Me, myself, and I will never be alone 
We'll find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 
Myself and I will never be alone 
We will find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

Well it's hard to see you don't belong to me 
'Cause I gave you the best part of my life 
Well, I tried to be everything that you want me to be 
But I don't have to give you reasons why 
'Cause all that's left is me, myself, and I 

I'm not gonna try to forget 
Maybe happiness is worth the chance 
Of a bitter end? 
'Cus here at the end of the road 
I don't really care who is right 
I'll give you the last word tonight 

'Cause me, myself, and I will never be alone 
We'll find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 
Myself and I will never be alone 
We will find a way to get along 
And we'll be fine 
When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

- Hanson, "Me Myself and I"

This music is a place to hide

I wish I could always be as happy as I was yesterday.

I love Hanson.  I really, really do.  Last night was my 25th time seeing them live and I never get tired of it.  During the show last night I was singing along, standing there in the front row and I just remember thinking that I always want to feel like this.  One line from their song Dancing in the Wind goes, "this music is a place to hide" and I feel like that describes how I felt last night, just living in that moment.  I was able to hide from the all of the things I have going on in my head for a little while and just feel genuinely happy.

The whole day was awesome.  From the walk, to the show, and even waiting outside in the cold after the show.  I couldn't feel my feet, but I got to meet Zac, which is far from the first time I've met him, but it's always special for me to meet them when I do.  I think it goes back to me as a kid and loving them and their music and just dreaming about getting to meet them one day.  Now they're just so approachable.  They've been such a huge part of my life since I was 10 years old, so I'll never tire of seeing them live and in person.

So I would describe today as like coming off of a natural high.  I spent all day yesterday with Kristina in my Hanson world, seeing them and seeing friends I haven't seen in a very long time.  I had so many other things on my mind.  But now I'm back and I'm sitting here alone again.

On Monday night I had a thought that Kristina's car didn't have a USB port, so charging my phone could be an issue.  I knew at one point I had a car charger for my iPhone, but I'm pretty sure it's in Shawn's car.  Actually, I'm positive I left it in there.   I ended up borrowing Lindsey's.

I saw my friend Glory yesterday for the first time in probably about 7 years.  We talked about how I've been living in Albany for almost 6 years and she asked me if I lived alone here.  I told her I was living with my boyfriend...but now I'm not.  She didn't push it, she just said she was sorry.

So even on my happiest days I still can't get through it without something coming back to him.

Anyway.  This is me high fiving Taylor Hanson.

...and my grainy, midnight, freezing cold picture with Zac.

My favorties.

Shawn didn't like going to weddings.  We were invited to my friend's wedding in Vegas in a few years ago and I was very excited to go.  He made no secret of not wanting to go.  He told me to go on my own if I wanted to go.

Shawn didn't want to go on vacation to anywhere I wanted to go.  I'd love to go on a cruise or a trip to an island or go somewhere warm when it's cold here.  His ideal vacation was a trip to Russia.

He didn't like theme parks.  He couldn't handle roller coasters.

He never once bought me flowers and didn't really care about our anniversaries or Valentine's day.

He didn't like going to my parent's house with me.  I'd always invite him to go when I went, but he never wanted to.

I never felt like his family ever embraced me.  They were always very nice to me, but I never felt any kind of connection to them and I often told Shawn I didn't think his parents, his mom especially, liked me.  This was all proven to be very true in the way she acted after he left me.  She acted like I didn't matter and showed me zero compassion when we spoke.

I loved him, but he had a lot of traits I didn't love.  There is a small part of me that is excited to meet and be with someone who is happy to do things like going to weddings with me and wants to go on vacations with me and buy me flowers for no reason and happily go with me to see my parents.  Someone whose family likes me and makes me feel welcome.

This isn't to say he was a terrible boyfriend because he wasn't.  We didn't always agree and he didn't always act the way I would have liked, but he was there for me through a lot.  He was with me when both of my dogs died.  He held me while I cried and did his best to try to comfort me.  He did the same when my grandmother passed away in 2011.  He came to the hospital with me when she was sick and helped me through that terrible time.

He made me laugh and he was my best friend and after everything I still have no idea how he could do what he did to me and that's why I can't move on.  I want to.  I want to kick him out of my head and find someone new.  I want it so bad.  I want to find the person I described above.

...and when I am ready to move on I'm very afraid I'm not going to find him.  I'm so scared I'm going to be alone and never meet anyone.  I don't know how it's going to happen.  I feel like I'm running out of time, which I know is silly because I'm only 27.

I wonder what I missed out on when I was spending those 4 years with a person who didn't really love me and could just up and leave me without a second thought.

Sorry, I know I've said a lot of this before.  It's hard.  I always have the same thoughts running through my mind constantly.  It's maddening.  It sucks.

I the bright, non-Shawn related side, I only work tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday this week.  I'm headed to New Jersey with Kristina on Tuesday to see Hanson and I have Wednesday off.  After this week I have the whole next week off and I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with my family.

Thanksgiving pretty much marks the year anniversary of when stuff started to go downhill. But I'm trying not to think about it.  I try not to think about a lot of things.  It doesn't really work.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head

I used to not be able to fall asleep with the TV on.  I needed silence...or mostly silence.  When I was growing up in my parent's house I would fall asleep in my room to the sounds of TVs on in other rooms of the house, usually from my parent's room across the hall or my brother's room directly below mine.  I could usually hear the TV downstairs in the living room if it was on.  So still to this day I sometimes think I hear the muffled sounds a TV when I'm trying to sleep, even if there isn't one on anywhere near me.

Then I moved in with Shawn and we got a Wii.  For two Christmas's in a row I got him the newest NHL hockey games.  He would usually wait until I went to bed then play his game because I always went to bed before him.  Sometimes he would stay up for hours and not come to bed until 2 or 3 am.  So I would fall asleep to the sound of his hockey game, the sound of the stick hitting the puck.  After he left I still thought I heard it sometimes, like I thought I heard TVs at my house.

So ever since he left I've had a new bed routine.  I need to fall asleep with the TV on now.  I usually stay up until at least 11 so I can fall asleep to Friends on Nick at Nite.  I need sound.  It helps me not think about the things I constantly think about or else I'd never let myself sleep.  It also drowns out the sound of the game that I think I'm hearing...or at least what I thought I was hearing after he left.  I probably wouldn't hear it anymore.

The Wii stopped working a few months back, so I gave it to my brother to hook up at his house so I could know if it was the actual Wii or the wires that plug into it.  The Wii was fine and my brother ejected the game that was on it...Shawn's hockey game.  The last night we spent together was probably the last night he played it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this stuff.  It's just something I was thinking about.  I feel like everything I do relates back to him in some way.


Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness 
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted 
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight

My first sign that today wasn't going to be a very good day came this morning when I was driving into work.  As soon as I got on campus I saw a man walking his two dogs.  He had one a leash walking with him then about 10 feet behind them was the other one, obviously very old.  He limped along, following, without a leash.  It broke my heart.  I teared up right there.

After that things were going alright until Kristina stopped in.  Sue and I were both at the book information desk and she came up to say Hi.  We talked a little and then she asked Sue if she was coming to dinner tonight.  Sue said she probably would.  They confirmed plans, meeting at Chili's at 5.  Kristina said her friend would be coming too, to hang out.  Neither one of them asked me if I wanted to come.  They discussed their plans in front of me, but never invited me along.

I know it sounds so high school, but it really hurt my feelings and I let it ruin my day.  I sent Kristina a text at lunch asking her if she wanted to walk the dogs tonight after she had dinner.  She never texted back.

So I came home after work and sat on the couch alone and cried some more.  I would have loved to have gone out to dinner tonight and hung out with friends instead of crying and feeling bad about myself.

I know I've written about my low self-esteem before.  I've always felt pretty down on myself.  This is hard to explain, but I've never felt like anyone has ever worked very hard to be around me.  There are people I've had in my life that I just want to be around and I care what they think of me.  I don't think I've ever been that person to anyone.  Maybe I was that to Shawn for a while, but that obviously changed.  I know my friends care about me.  I know Kristina and Sue care, but neither of them thought they should ask me to come out with them.  It's little things like that that make me feel badly about myself.  Like there is something wrong with me.  I see no other reason for not inviting me other than they just rather I not be there.

Of course it figures that I would be with the guy who decides after four years that I'm just not worth it anymore and it's better to just stop talking me.  Because I'm not important enough to keep in his life.

So this is why I worry about my future.  I just don't know how anyone is going to find me interesting or want to get to know me.  I don't want to do online dating anymore because it just stresses me out so much, so I have no idea how I'm going to find someone.

I know I need to change something in my life.  I need to get up and do something and figure out how to move on.  I just have absolutely no idea how to do it or how to make myself do it.

I really thought I'd be better off by now.

And I just don't understand how a good thing becomes bad

So I was watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer repeat  a couple days ago.  Michelle Branch was on it performing "Goodbye to You" for the last scene of the episode.  I used to love Michelle Branch and had a kinda weird connection to her (she used to post on Hanson's old message boards and promote her website like crazy before she was famous).  Anyway, I've had that song stuck in my head ever since.  I never knew how much the lyrics would ring true in my life.  Because seriously:

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

And I said goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto


That's my life.  Except I didn't get to say goodbye to him.  He didn't let me.  He took control of everything, cut me out of it, and didn't let me have any say.  In fact the last words I said to him out loud were, "I love you."  The last words he said to me out loud were, "I love you, too."  I didn't know I was actually saying goodbye that night.

Mom came up for the weekend and left this afternoon.  After she left I started getting really sad again so I tried to keep myself busy.  I texted Kristina, but she's working until close today.  So I did laundry, went outside and raked the yard a little bit, then came in and decided to shred a bunch of mail that I've had piling up.

When and Shawn and I first got our paper shredder we sat down to find the perfect picture of Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and we hooked his printer up, printed it out and taped it to the front of the shredder.  Shredder's picture is still there and it's just another memory of the silly things we used to do.

I had another dream the other night. This time he was home and we were here in the house in the bedroom.  I noted that he came home and didn't stay over there for "5 years" and he said yeah, he didn't really expect to to actually stay that long.  Then I brought up that he doesn't have his phone number anymore and he said he was going to give me his new number.

Waking up from these dreams is the absolute worst.  I just don't know how to move on when every night I'm with him in my head.

I don't think I'm going to decorate for Christmas this year.  The last few years being in my own place (well, places) I've always been very excited to put lights up.  This year, not so much.  Christmas to me has always meant togetherness and being with family.  The lights and the tree make the place feel nice and comfortable.  Now that I'm alone...I don't know.  It would only be for me.  It's also more electricity which I don't need to use.  I'm already freezing in my house because I don't want to use the heat very much.

I'm so ready for this year to be over.  2013 will go down in the record books as the worst year of my life.  2014 will be started off right though, since it was just announced that Hanson will be playing a free show in Syracuse on New Years eve.  I'm definitely looking forward to this.  At least I won't be sitting at home alone feeling depressed that night.

I also need to change my groupon settings.  I set them a long time ago and put things for couples as one of the deals I'd like to see.  Today I got a suggested deal for a married-name changing service.  Thanks for that, groupon.

Weak moment tonight.  I sent Shawn a text message.

...which led to my heart jumping in my throat when I got a text back.  But as it turns out, that number I've had for Shawn ever since I met him is no longer his.  The person who replied asked who I was and then told me they just got the number a few weeks ago when they got their new phone.

I guess it makes sense.  But since Shawn's still in my phone under his name I thought he still had his phone (and his number).  Last time someone I knew changed their phone and their number their name went away on my contacts and it was just the old phone number instead.  So I sent a text thinking he'd get it when he got home or the next time he turned his phone on.

This isn't really any new information.  But I kinda feel like crying again.  I guess I thought that well, if he won't reply to my e-mails I still have his phone number just in case.  Now I don't.  He told me he took his cell phone with him (while his mom lied to me and told me he didn't).  Guess he doesn't need it now.  I wonder if this means he really isn't coming back by the end of the year.

I shouldn't care about this.  I shouldn't be going back through and reading our old texts and just torturing myself.  I should be moving on and not caring about anything he does or trying to contact him.

I know exactly what I should be doing.  I just don't know how to do it.

All I do is hold onto you

How do I never worry half as much as I know that I should
How do I get so far on such dumb luck when I thought I was good
How do I want so bad to bring about the future
That I'm tearing off the sutures half way through

And every time I build it up some more, with you
And all I do is hold onto it
And all I do is hold onto you

How do I forget how much it meant when you were there when I woke up
How do I forget for just a moment how much meaning I bestowed upon that fleeting little hope

Every time I build it up some more, with you
And all I do is hold onto it
And all I do is hold onto you


Hellogoodbye's album came out last week.  I listened to it about four times on the drive to and from home.  I love it.  The lyrics above are from "I Don't Worry (As Much as I should)."  I first heard it when I was driving home after work on Friday, driving right into the sun as it was going down.  It has kind of a haunting vibe to it and the lyrics hit me pretty hard, especially how it goes on repeating the "all I do is hold onto you" part over and over at the end.  It was a moment when I just felt really, really sad.  Sometimes I feel like these songs were written just for me because they describe so well how I feel.

So yeah, listen to that song.  And the whole album.

I actually got into Hellogoodbye pretty late in the game.  I always liked them, but didn't really start listening to them until they did a tour with Hanson.  They played a show here in Albany a few years ago and Shawn went with me.  I know it wasn't one of his favorite nights, but it's one of my favorite memories with him.  He didn't like Hanson, but he still went with me and stood with me and one point leaned over and kissed me during the show.  I miss that Shawn so much.

...and I know that is all I'm really doing.  I'm holding onto him.  I need to let him go.  I need to just let it all go.  But I just can't.

I had another dream last night.  He came on skype and messaged me.  I can't remember exactly what he said, but I just remember not believing I was actually talking to him.  Then the dream switched and he was home and we were driving somewhere together and things were back to normal.  It felt real, of course.  But it wasn't.  It never is.  It still leaves me with the feeling of being close to him, though.  I've thought about him a lot all day today.

I just don't know what to do to make these feelings and these thoughts go away.

Also, I hate daylight savings.  Kristina and I went out to dinner tonight and when I got home I was like "It's at least 7:00 right now" then looked at the clock and it was actually 5:50.  It's only 6:30 right now and I feel like I need to go to bed soon.  Plus it's freezing outside.  I hate it.

But let's end this on a positive note, Odin on Halloween: