Short Tuesday update

Shawn's rent check came today, so that's one less thing to worry about.  As much as it's going to suck to have to pay rent by myself come August it's going to be a relief to not have to worry about his mom sending me checks every month and wondering if it's going to stop.  Only two more.  I assume since she sent this one I can expect the next two.

I kinda hate Tuesdays.  I decided that today.  There is nothing to look forward to on a Tuesday.  Sarah and Kristina are usually busy and I have no shows to watch on TV.  Today wasn't so great because I had to train a bunch of new employees for the end of the semester.  I hate talking in front of a big group of people.

Odin and I took a walk around campus on our own tonight.  I think both Kristina and Sarah will be around tomorrow night though, so we'll probably all walk together.

So I've been single for a month.  There have been times where I think I'll be okay and I feel positive, but most of the time I'm still in utter disbelieve over everything and where my life is right now.  Sometimes it just hits me so hard that he's gone and not coming back and won't even talk to me.

I'm feeling really frustrated tonight.  I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow.

The picture for today is from our walk on campus.  I love this little stretch on the path with the trees on each side.

Monday

Shawn's mom posted a new picture of him on facebook tonight.  He's just standing there smiling in his adidas track jacket that he wears all the time.  He looks happy.  Happy in his new life without me in it.

I lost it.  I cried harder than I have in a while.  It's the first time I've seen him since our last skype chat in March...when the last words we spoke to each other were, "I love you."

It's hard.  It's so hard to see him in a picture and know that I'm not in his life anymore.  It's difficult to explain.

I changed my settings for his mom on facebook.  Now I won't see any of her posts on my newsfeed.

I'm also starting to worry about the rent.  I'm afraid his mom is going to stop sending the checks now.  I would hope that Shawn would tell her to keep sending the money until the lease is up in August, but I have no idea anymore.  I don't know Shawn anymore.  The person he is now is not the same person I knew.

I did send him an e-mail tonight in a moment of weakness.  Just a short one, hoping to reach out to the Shawn I did know.  I doubt it will do any good.  I'd just like to know that at least some of this is hard on him too.

I was having a pretty good day before all this.  Work went alright and then Odin and I took a walk with both Sarah and Kristina.  The three of us will probably hang out again on Wednesday.

Sarah came over to watch The Following with me in the middle of my crying.  I'm glad she came over.  It got my mind off things for a while.

Now it's time for bed.  I anticipate a Shawn dream tonight and waking up miserable in the morning.

Celtics, wedding, dogs

Today was a pretty good day.  Of course Shawn is always on my mind and I definitely thought of him and missed him today, but I had a lot of distractions.

I'm a big celtics fan and so is brother, Chris.  Odin and I went over to his house today to watch game 4 of the Celtics/Knicks playoff series.  They won!  They were 0-3 and could have been knocked out of the playoffs today, but they won in overtime and it was awesome.  If Shawn was still here he would have gone over with me and shook his head while smiling at the outcome.  He isn't really into basketball, but he would watch it with me he'd always root for the Knicks.  He probably would have liked to see them sweep Boston, but they didn't.

Chris and Lindsey's friends came over and they have two boston terriers.  So Odin had a great day playing with them and Chris and Lindsey's dog, Mila.

We grilled out on their deck and hung out there for a while eating and watching the dogs play.  After that I met up with Kristina and we took the dogs for a walk around the campus. I'm going to try to go that walk every day if I can.  The university is basically a circle, so if you walk the the whole thing it's about 3 miles.  So walking from my house, around the circle, and back is just about 4 miles.  It's good for me and Odin loves it, so hopefully I can stay motivated to keep doing it.  Plus I can usually get Sarah or Kristina to come with me and it goes by pretty fast when you have someone to talk to.

I talked to Kristina about her wedding and she told me I would be seated with some people that I know.  So I'm going to go.  I'm just going to have to try really hard to not feel sorry for myself.  But it will be tough to go a wedding after this, especially when it was just a couple months ago that I thought I'd be getting engaged soon and now I'm alone.

Tomorrow I'm working open to close then Sarah and I are going to go for walk then she's going to come over and watch The Following's finale.  So, lots of distraction tomorrow.

...and here are pictures from today.  Mila and Odin on the back of the couch and Odin sitting on his own chair out on the deck.  Most of my happy pictures will be of Odin.  I'm so glad I have him.  Things would be way harder for me I didn't have that adorable little face in my life.

Saturday night thoughts

I got Odin a new dog tag today.  It's a small step.  His old one, the one we got him on the day we adopted him had Shawn's phone number on it as well as mine.  His number would be pretty useless right now anyway, even if he was coming back.

I've had a couple Shawn dreams in the past few nights.  The one I had last night we were together and things were normal.  I don't remember much about it, but I woke up missing him.

The Office made me cry on Thursday.  It's tough to watch what they're doing to Jim and Pam, especially since I'm going through kinda the same stuff.  But at the end of the episode when they hugged and kissed and held each other so tightly I lost it.  I know it's just TV, but I want that moment with Shawn.  Where he realizes how important I am to him and what he has left behind.

Mom came up on Thursday and left this afternoon.  The last few days have been pretty good.

Next weekend I'm going to be a nerd and go to a Supernatural convention in New Jersey with my friend Steph (a different Steph than I who I mentioned before).  I love that show and it's only about two hours away, so it should be fun.  I bought tickets for this back in January.  During the week of lies Shawn and I talked about it and he asked me when it was again.  I told him May 5th and he said, "maybe I'll be back by then."

Right now I'm just waiting for Jess and Stash to call me so I can go pick them up at the airport.  I'm not sure if they're staying here tonight or not.

Today's picture is Odin outside with his new tag.

Wednesday

Today was alright.  I worked 8:45 to 6:15 and then went on a walk with Kristina.

Kristina and I used to work together.  She was one of the first good friends I made when I moved here.  She left the bookstore a year ago and I miss having her around there terribly, but the good news is she lives only one street over and we get to see each other pretty often.

She is getting married in June.  Shawn and I were invited to the wedding.  I'm kind of unsure of what I'm going to do about that.  I want to go, of course.  But I don't want to go alone.  I also know I'm going to be sad because of what I'm going through and I don't want to be sad on her day.  I asked Sarah if she would go with me, but she thinks she has to work at her art studio that night.  She's looking into it.  If Sarah can't go with me I don't know what to do.  I guess I'll just try to suck it up and go alone.

Things like this were so much easier when I had Shawn.

So Kristina and I walked 4 miles tonight.  She brought her dog Watson along so Odin had a friend to walk with too.  After that we went out to eat at a diner down the road.

I haven't seen her much since all of this stuff with Shawn went down, so she has only heard about it from what our friends have told her.  So we talked about it and I cried a little.  Sometimes I can get through a conversation about the situation and be okay, but most times I can't help it.

Today at work I was doing a book buyback for a customer.  After they sold their books we have to write the date in our initials on the inside cover.  I opened the first book to do that and saw Shawn's initials from when he bought that same book back almost two years ago.  It made me miss him so much in that moment.  Just a stupid thing like seeing his handwriting.

Time for bed.  Mom is coming up tomorrow, so there may not be an update for a couple days, but I do have a picture for today.  It's Watson and Odin on their walk tonight.

Thoughts, walks, songs

Sometimes I just don't know how to deal with all of this.  I'll be going about my life okay and then it all hits me and I just feel so overwhelmed with it all.  I just keep going back to how insane this whole thing is.  How my boyfriend, my best friend can just so easily cut me out of his life.  How he can't even return an e-mail.  It doesn't make any sense and I'm probably never going to get answers.

I try to think of what I could have done differently to change how things are right now.  Maybe if I wasn't so sad about him leaving, maybe if I had supported him more.

...and what made him so miserable that he would take off to another country and never talk to me again.

It all hurts so much.  I miss him so much.  Every single day I think of a million things I want to tell him.  I think about him walking through the door.  I think about what our life would be like right now if he had stayed.  We'd be sitting here together.  He would be watching the Celtics/Knicks playoff series with me.  He would probably decide he wants a soda from the gas station up the street during half time and Odin and I would walk with him.  After the game I'd go to bed, but he would probably stay up and play the hockey game I bought him on the Wii. But first he would tuck me in and kiss me good night.  Later I'd wake up when he came to bed because Odin would be laying in his spot and he'd move him out of the way.

But none of that will happen.

Does he ever think of this stuff too?  Does he ever just stop and think about how I'm not in his life anymore and get sad about it?  In my head I've kind of made him this heartless monster who has no feelings.  Because I am only one e-mail or one skype chat away and he is actively choosing not to talk to me.

Anyway.

Last night Sarah and I took a long walk with Odin.  She came over and we watched The Following.  Next week is the season finale.  All of my shows will be ending soon.  I'll have less distractions.  Not looking forward to it.

Tonight Sarah couldn't hang out so Odin and I walked 4 miles by ourselves.

Mom is going to come up on Thursday and stay through Saturday, so that will be nice.

I've pretty much worn the new Fall Out Boy album out.  "Miss Missing You" is basically my life right now.  Seriously.  

Don’t panic
No not yet
I know I’m the one you want to forget
Tell all the love to leave my heart
It’s time for me to fall apart
Now you’re gone
But I’ll be okay
Your hot whiskey eyes
Have fanned the flames
Maybe I’ll burn a little brighter tonight
Let the fire breathe me back to life

Baby you were my picket fence
I miss missing you now and then
Chlorine kissed summer skin
I miss missing you now and then
Sometimes before it gets better
The darkness gets bigger
The person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger
We’re fading fast
I miss missing you now and then


Yeah.   People can say whatever they want about Fall Out Boy, but I think they have great lyrics and fun catchy songs.  I wonder if Shawn has listened to this album yet.  I bet he hates Courtney Love's part in Rat a Tat Tat as much as I do.

Today's picture is from today's walk on campus.

Tell all the love to leave my heart, it's time for me to fall apart

I just sent Shawn an e-mail.  I just felt like I had to.  Its been 3 weeks since I've tried to contact him.  If nothing else it will remind him that what he did was crazy since he has no one telling him that.  I mean I couldn't really see what bad could come of it.  The worst thing that could happen already did.  He probably won't reply.  That's what I'm expecting.  But hopefully he'll read it.

Anyway.  Friday my friends Jess and Stash came up.  They got married in September and are on their honeymoon this week.  Jess and I have been friends since 5th grade and I'm so glad we've managed to stay friends all this time.  She is probably the most positive person I know.  On Friday night I started talking about Shawn and this whole situation and cried pretty hard.  But it felt good to talk about it with someone who has known me so long and knows me so well.  She's just as confused about it as I am, everyone is.  She hung out with us a bunch of times and we went to her wedding together, of course.  I remember her mom pulling me aside and telling me I would be next to get married.  At the time I thought she was probably right.

Their flight left at 6 am, so we got up at 4 and I drove them to the airport.  After that I was able to go back to sleep for a little bit then I went to Franklin to my parent's house. Mom and I went to lunch together like we usually do when I'm there on Saturdays.  Then we just hung out.

Today I came back up to Albany.  I went to a food swap with my friend Steph.  Steph is my oldest friend, we've known each other since pre school.  She also moved up to this area a few years back, so we hang out from time to time.  Steph also just got married this summer in August and Shawn and I were at her wedding as well.  I was a bridesmaid.  Shawn was a good sport at her wedding since he didn't really know anyone and I had to be away from him a lot of the time.

So yeah, a food swap is interesting.  Steph is very into this stuff and she's constantly making things.  I just went around with her and test tasted anything without meat.  She ended up getting a bunch of stuff and I got to eat food for free.  So it was a good deal.

When I got back home I tried to find someone to go for a walk with me and Odin, but the three people I asked were all busy.  He and I walked alone.

I'm trying to stay busy.  I'm trying to not be too upset over the fact that I spilled my heart out to Shawn in an e-mail today and he probably won't respond.  I'm trying to deal with the fact that he apparently has no room in his life for me anymore...and I'm trying to move on knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it.

I have two pictures today.  The first one is from Friday when Jess said we should try on some hats as Macy's.  Sometimes when we hang out it's like we're back in middle school.

...and this one is from tonight's walk with Odin on campus.  These ducks were walking very casually on the sidewalk in front of me, but they crossed the road to get away from Odin.

Short update

I had today off.  I took Odin for a walk on campus and saw our old landlord's wife.  She was across the street walking her dog.  I think she saw me, but I pretended I didn't see her and purposely walked in the direction I didn't need to go in to avoid her.  I didn't want her to ask me how Shawn was doing because I'm sure she would.  She got to know us pretty well when we lived in our last apartment and she always liked us a lot.  I did wonder what I'd say to her if we did actually talk.  I'd probably just tell her Shawn was fine and we were fine.

My friend Jess and her husband are on there way here.  They're spending the night and tomorrow I'm driving them to the airport so they can fly off to Jamaica.  I'm definitely looking forward to having them here.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to my parent's house until Sunday.

No one will understand this unless they watch Community, but right now I think of my life having two specific timelines.  I don't know which one is the darkest one, but right now it feels like this one where Shawn left me and I'm miserable without him.  Then there is the one where he stayed and didn't go and we lived our lives together.  I guess there is a third one that could have happened, where he handled things better and we came to an understanding, so he left but we still stayed in contact and he came back.  I'd take either of those timelines over this one.

Wednesday

Not too much to update with today.  I don't think I had a Shawn dream last night and if I did I don't remember it.

I'm still resisting the urge to e-mail him.  I'm kind of hoping he'll beat me to it, but I know that won't happen.  He used to care about me.  I would assume he still does.  But I don't know.  I don't know this person he has become.  I'd like to think the Shawn I love is still there somewhere, but I'll probably never see him again.

Sarah and I went for a long walk tonight with Odin.  She can't join us tomorrow, but I think I'll still try to take Odin out for another long one, but we'll see.  It's so much nicer when I have someone with me to talk to.  Shawn and I took a lot of walks.  I miss those so much.

There is a small lake right down the road.  We called it the BPLP (Buckingham Palace Lake Pond - it's called Buckingham Lake, but I always wanted to say Buckingham Palace instead and it's really small so we thought of it as more a pond than a lake). It's right next to Shawn's old studio apartment where I basically moved in with him before we got our own apartment together.  I love that lake.  There is a trail around it and it's in a very nice, quiet part of Albany.  Shawn and I spent so much time there.  I always thought of it as "our spot."  I don't think I'll ever be able to go back there.  It has way too many memories of when we were happiest, when things were simple.  I think when I look back at our relationship that time at his studio apartment next to the BPLP was my favorite.  I mean, things were good up until the end of last year and this year, but that time was special and that place is special.

Alright, I'm just making myself sad now.  Here's my picture from today.  It's from our walk tonight on campus.

Tuesday night update

I'm feeling a pretty strong urge to e-mail Shawn.  I haven't tried contacting him in two weeks.  The last e-mail I sent was on the morning after he sent his e-mail.  I keep telling myself to wait longer.  But then I think that it's not fair that he gets to go on living his new life without any reminders of me.  I feel like he needs to know he did a terrible thing because he has no one telling him he did.  I want him to hurt as much as I am.  It's just not fair that he can cut me out of his life and I can't cut him out of mine because everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him.  He doesn't have any of that.  I hate that it's so easy for him.

But I think I'm going to wait.  I honestly don't know if he'd even read what I had to say.  I almost want to send him a link to this blog and nothing else.

Anyway.  The last few days have been alright.  Mom came up on Sunday and left this morning.  The purse party was fun.  I didn't get a purse because that's not really my thing and they cost like a million dollars.  But I did get to hang out with friends and see some people I haven't seen in a long time.  Also, on Saturday morning I broke the vacuum cleaner on accident.  It was Shawn's, so I didn't feel too bad about it, but I didn't want to have to buy another one.  But it just so happens that night Dixie, my former manager who was hosting the party asked if anyone needed a vacuum because she just got a new one and would be throwing out her old one.  So now I can throw Shawn's out and have one less thing of his here.

I had another dream about him last night.  He was with me and he hugged me and things were good.  I kind of wish my dreams about him weren't so nice.  I kind of wish I could just stop dreaming about him all together, but I doubt they will stop any time soon.  I wonder if I ever show up in his dreams.

The new Fall Out Boy album came out today.  Their last album was one of the first things Shawn and I bonded over when we became friends.  I sent it to him through AIM shortly after it came out and we both loved it.  Back during the week of lies he told me he was listening to Spotify and a song from Folie a Deux came up and he had to change it because it made him sad to listen to.

Tonight I went out to a bar for Trivia with Sarah, her boyfriend Jake, and their friend Jesse.  Jesse was cute and funny.  There have been many times in the last 4 years where I've found other guys attractive, but of course never thought anything more than that.  Tonight I thought Jesse was cute and fun and I could totally get to know him better.  It's way too soon though and I still love Shawn, so I'm definitely not in a place to meet anyone new.  But this was the first time in a long time that I've thought about it.  It scares me to think that way because for the last 4 years I've always been so sure of my future with Shawn.  It's hard to think of anyone else in his place.

If Shawn were to e-mail me right now and apologize and say he changed his mind, I would go back to him.  Sarah says I need to wait to e-mail him until I don't feel that way.

We'll see.

Dreams

Last night's dream kinda messed me up.  Shawn came home.  I was just sitting here and he walked in the door and told me he was home for good.  It felt so real.  I was confused and didn't know what to think.  I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and said, "this is really happening, it's not a dream, he's really back."  We talked about everything and he was sorry, but he was home and we could be together again.

Then I woke up.  In the dream I was so sure it was really happening.  I ended up waking up at 7:30, so I didn't get to sleep in because I couldn't stop thinking about things.

I miss this.

I took that on New Years Eve.  It's how I remember us, just being happy to stay in together.  Just being with each other.  We weren't the most exciting couple, but that's okay.  I'd do anything to have him here on the couch with me again.

I'll probably update later tonight when I get home.  Sarah and I are going to take Odin for a walk first then head out to the purse party, so at least I won't be alone with my thoughts for too long today.

Friday

Today was pretty good.  I'm not letting myself think too much about things, so I'm doing alright.  I thought tonight I was going to have a hard time since I stayed in Albany and didn't go home, but I'm doing okay.  I have to work on Sunday so it didn't make much sense.

I worked until 3 then took Odin for a walk back to the bookstore.  After that I went to Petsmart to get Odin some food and did some grocery shopping.

"Colors" by The Rocket Summer came on my iPod when I was driving home.  I almost changed it because I didn't want to hear such a happy relationship song, but I listened and let some tears roll.  But that's all the crying I did today.  I hope some day in the not too distant future I can start to not relate every song to the misery I'm feeling.  Even the songs that play every single day on the radio at work make me sad, especially that new slow Bruno Mars song.  I also find myself hating on that new Pink song with Nate from fun.  because Pink's part is all confused and sad, but Nate's part is all, "hey stop it, I love you, this is all in your head."  Why couldn't it be that way with Shawn?

Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.  Sarah and my other friends/co-workers talked me into going to a "purse party" tomorrow night.  So that should be interesting.

I'm trying so hard to be too distracted to be sad.

Today's picture is from when I took Odin to the bookstore.  Sue was trying to take a picture of Odin sitting there all nicely and caught this one of us looking at each other.  I love it.

"You have options. All of them are terrible, but you have them."

I made it through the whole day without crying.  I mean, there are 3 hours left so I'm not ruling it out, but I think I'll make it.

I did feel pretty terrible this morning though.  I woke up from another Shawn dream and I didn't want to get out of bed.  I've been dreaming about him pretty much every night.  We usually just talk in my dreams and we're usually happy.  Sometimes he does something in them that he would never do even when we were together and happy, like tell me he booked a cruise for us to go on.  So it always sucks to wake up from that.  There were and are still days that I wake up from a Shawn dream and feel genuinely disappointed that I'm awake.  I'd rather just stay in that imaginary world where things are good.

But I had to get up and go work.  My eyes felt heavy all morning.  I just wanted to go home and not work for 9 hours.  Around noon I began to feel pretty good and rest of the day was better.  

I got home around 6:30 and was completely prepared to just take a shower, get in my pajamas, and sit on my couch watching TV until I went to bed.  The weather was not awesome today.  It was cold and rainy.  But Odin had been cooped up in the house alone all day and I thought he deserved a long walk.  I texted Sarah to see if she wanted to come along and she did, so we met up with her.

It was a good walk.  We didn't talk about Shawn once.  Also, I'm probably going to start going out to trivia nights with her next week.  I just need to get out and be distracted.

I'm watching Parks and Recreation.  I wish I could have a relationship like Ben and Leslie's. They're pretty much perfect.

I think I'm going to start taking pictures of things that make me happy every day.  Today it's Odin in his sweater.

Today

Today was a tough one.

I'm pretty much at the point where I can be okay as long as I don't let myself think about things too hard, but any little thing could set me off.

Today a text message from my sister-in-law was the thing that set me off.

First I should say that I love Lindsey, my sister-in-law.  She and my brother have been together since they were 16 (my brother turned 30 last week, Lindsey turns 30 tomorrow), so she has been in my life for basically forever.  We've always gotten along and been friends, we even moved to Albany together and lived with each other for two years.

When Shawn broke up with me she had many supportive things to say and lots of hope that the two of us would get back together.  She's been where I am.  Chris, my brother lost his mind at one point and broke up with her out of nowhere many years ago.  He was on tour with his band, so she didn't get much explanation and she actually ended up leaving school and moving back in with her mom.  I remember how hurt she was and how mad I was at my brother.  But they got back together and now they're happily married.  So she has reason to believe that things can turn around.

I want to believe that Shawn will come to his senses like Chris did.  But I don't think it's going to happen and I can't get my hopes up about it.  Shawn did a great job of getting my hopes up back during the week of lies, then he trampled on them a month later.

So back to Lindsey's text message.

I had asked her if she could pick Odin up today and bring him back to her house because I was working 8:45-6:15 and then going directly from work to dinner for my manager's birthday.  I told her I would pick him up after and she was fine with it.  We watch each other's dogs all the time, so it's usually not a big deal.

Around 4:00 she sent me a text telling me Odin had "shit on her new carpet."  Now since I was at work I'm not sure what she wanted me to do.  So I told her I was sorry and I was surprised since I had let him out before I left for work and he did his business then.  He hasn't had an accident inside in a very long time, so I was surprised.

She then pushed the issue saying she can't use stain cleaners on the rug, so she used some kind of wipe and hopefully it doesn't damage the carpet.

I'm already feeling terrible and she knows what a rough time I'm having, so I'm not sure why she needed to text me at work about it.  But it made me feel even worse and I ended up in the bathroom crying like I have so many times this year.

But once again I got myself together and finished the day at work then went out to dinner.

Dinner was good and I had a good time.  I only thought of Shawn a couple times, thinking he probably would have been there with me if he hadn't gone to China.  Whenever I went out with my co-workers he would usually come with me since he knew everyone too.

Besides that I felt like my normal self for most of the night.  I laughed, I joked around.  It was like my life was fine and I wasn't miserable.

I picked Odin up after and gave Lindsey her birthday card.  Things were fine.  I apologized again for Odin and she didn't seem mad.  I just hope this doesn't turn into a thing where she is hesitant to watch Odin for me again because without Shawn to help me take care of him I'm going to need some help.

I came home, took out the garbage, showered and then skyped with my mom.  I ended up crying pretty hard for most of the conversation.  I guess I needed to make up for the lack of crying in the past couple days.

I can't wait for this to get easier.

Memories

Mom left this morning.  I only cried a little.  I cried harder last night when she gave me a "you'll be fine" speech.  It's hard to imagine being fine.

I am doing okay though.  Usually I get through each day by trying to not think too hard about what's happening and how terrible it is.  But sometimes it hits me out of nowhere and I start getting really sad or really angry.  None of this is fair and I just keep thinking of him over there in China living his new life without me, with no one to tell him what he is doing is wrong.  He's just going about his days like everything is normal.  Like he didn't leave his girlfriend, his dog, and his entire life behind.  It's just so frustrating.

So I wasn't looking forward to coming home to my empty house, so when I got out of work I asked Sarah if she wanted to go for a walk with me and Odin.

Sarah lives where Shawn and I used to live.  Our old apartment was part of a house and garage that was made into 4 apartments.  When Sarah was looking for a place last year I told her one of the garage apartments was available and she ended up moving in there.  So tonight I walked Odin over there to meet up with her and pretended for just one second that I was back in that time when we lived there and things were good, that Odin and I were just coming home from a walk and Shawn would be there waiting at the apartment.  Does that even make sense?

We walked around the University, which is where Shawn and I usually walked Odin.  They've been doing a ton of construction and there are some brand new paths that I haven't been on before.  I would have told Shawn about them.  If he were still here we would have loved walking them and sitting by the ponds on the new benches with Odin.

But besides literally taking a walk down memory lane, it was good.  We ended up walking for over an hour and talking.  I'm glad I'm at the point where I can talk about the situation without bursting into tears and Sarah is a good listener.  She has watched me go through this whole thing and I know she has bitten her tongue a lot.  I'm sure she's wanted to scream "break up with him!" at me since he left, but she has tried to be understanding and she's always willing to listen and offer advice.

Sarah will be moving to the city in August.  I'm trying not to think about that.  I don't want to lose anyone else from my life.

Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner with my co-workers for our manager's birthday.  So that will be a good distraction.

Hopefully I will get through the night without waking up to think about things.

Rent and other things

Some good news came yesterday.

I guess I should explain my rent situation first.  Before Shawn left he always told me I wouldn't have to worry about the rent while he was away, that he would continue to help me pay it.  He was going to leave signed checks for me to use every month.  But he accidentally took his checks to his parent's house one weekend and forgot to bring them back home with him.  Then he took off back there and never came back before he left for China, so I never got the checks.  But he told me he left checks with his mom and she would send them to me each month.

Which kinda botherd me.  She could have sent me all of the checks at once and I would just use them for rent each month.  So it made me feel like they felt I couldn't be trusted with his money or something.

When Shawn stopped talking to me before he left I called his mom to try to see what was going on.  She didn't have much information for me, but she did tell me to let her know what I wanted to do about the house because Shawn could only continue to help me pay rent "for a few months."  She told me I should get a roommate or move, basically.  She caught me completely off guard and I was too miserable and upset to talk about that with her, so I didn't.

I never got very close with Shawn's parents.  They live 3 hours away and I just never got to know them very well.  I did stay at their house a few times and they were always very nice, but we never got close.   When Shawn left I tried many times to reach out to his mother to get some understanding or ask if she had heard from him, but she didn't usually offer any comfort.  Her main concern seemed to be finding a way to not send me money each month and she would keep bringing up me getting a roommate.  Our house is very small.  It's pretty much a two bedroom apartment in house form.  It worked for me and Shawn since we shared a bedroom, but it wouldn't really work to have a roommate.  Plus I don't want a roommate.  If Shawn's not coming back then I'd like to live here alone.

Anyway, Shawn's mom has been sending me checks.  The first one came and it was $75 less than what Shawn usually pays.  During the week of lies I told Shawn how much she sent me and he said he would talk to her and tell her to send more.  He was very understanding about it.  But then March rolled around and I got a check for the same amount.  But this was at the point Shawn had stopped talking to me, so I couldn't tell him.  I did e-mail him about it, but I sent so many e-mails to him in that month he stopped talking to me that I don't know what he saw and what he didn't or if he even read any of them.  But I got the check for April rent last week and it was still for that same amount.

But whatever, I can live on what she's sending me and on what I make myself.  Of course I'd like to get more and I should get more, but if that's how it's going to be I can make it work until the lease is up August.

So back to the good news.  I had e-mailed my landlady last week and explained the situation to her.  I told her how much I love this house and how I'd love to continue living here, but I would not be able to pay the rent on my own after August and asked if she would be willing to lower it for me so I could stay.  I offered to do some of the work she does here like mowing the lawn.  She e-mailed back the same night and told me she would have to think about it.

Last night she e-mailed me to say she wants to keep me as a tenant and will lower the rent for me when I renew the lease.  She's still thinking about what the number will be, but she wants to make it work.

So that's one less thing to worry about.  I know I should want to move somewhere else just because this place has so many memories of my time with Shawn, but I can't imagine moving and living in an apartment again.  I like having a house all to myself, my own washer/dryer, my own driveway, no neighbors, etc.  I don't know what's going to happen with all of Shawn's things here because most of the furniture is his, but I'll worry about that later.

But back to the subject of Shawn's mom.  It makes me sad that she never really got to know me.  My mom actually called and talked to her about two weeks ago and she said that Shawn never really talked to her about our relationship.  That doesn't surprise me, but I wish he had.  Maybe if she felt closer to me she wouldn't be so cold to me.  I wish I had had her support during this whole thing, but I didn't.  I'm sure when Shawn told her he weren't together anymore she didn't feel that sad or feel much emotion about it at all.

But anyway.  I'm trying to stay positive.  It's really hard.  I am working long hours at work, which does help me keep my mind off things.  My friend Sarah and I were talking about how we'd like to be in better shape and she said she'd love to work out, but she needed someone else to be with her to motivate her.  I volunteered myself and we're going to start riding our bikes around the University.  So hopefully we can keep that up.

Other than that, no crying yet today.  I had a small breakdown last night, but it passed pretty quickly.  Mom leaves tomorrow.  We'll see I do the rest of the week.

First week recap

Last Sunday was one of the worst days of my life.

Like every morning since Shawn stopped talking to me in February I woke up, opened my computer and checked my e-mail.  This time I saw I finally had an e-mail from him and immediately clicked it.  After I read what he had said I just sat there for a few seconds then let out a pathetic, "no."

Luckily I was staying at my parent's house last weekend, so I wasn't alone.  I walked across the hall to my parent's room and woke my mom up and showed her the e-mail.

Shock took over for a little bit, but the rest of the day was filled with tears and not wanting to move.  I got the worst headache of my life, threw up, and laid my head on my mom's lap like I was 5 years old.

I also sent Shawn about 6 e-mails.  He hasn't replied to any of them.

It was and still is just so hard to comprehend.  Shawn wasn't only my boyfriend, he was my best friend.  We did everything together.  He was just a huge part of my life and of course I always thought we'd be together.  When he left for China I tried to picture what life would be like without him and I couldn't.  I still can't.

I just don't get it.  How can you go from being so close to someone to just cutting them out of your life?  How can he not want to talk to me after talking to me every single day for the past 4 years?  How could he tell me all those wonderful things and then go and say the exact opposite only a few weeks later?

These are questions I'll probably never get answers to because I'm pretty convinced I'm never going to see or talk to him again.  How he is able to do this is beyond me.  I miss him so much it hurts.  And it hurts even more that he doesn't miss me...and that I wasn't worth it to come back to.

So apparently life still goes on after a devastating break up.  I still have to work, unfortunately.  Which meant I had to leave my parent's house and go back to Albany.  I had already taken that Monday off for a doctor's appointment (that I cancelled because I didn't want to cry at the doctor's office).

My mom came up and spent the week with me.  I don't know how I would have gotten through it without her.

The first thing I did when I walked back into our house was take down the pictures of the two of us that I had up in the living room.  Then I cried some more.

Tuesday I went into work.  I knew it was going to be hard.  Hard because I didn't feel like doing much of anything and work is just one more big Shawn memory.  I get to walk past the place where we met every day.  The very spot where Shawn and I stood and he spoke to  me for the first time, telling me he liked my Thrice hoodie.  I am and always have been terrible at small talk, so I replied, "thanks, I like them."  After we were officially together he told me that back then he had decided he liked me and was trying to engage me in conversation and felt I was blowing him off.  Not the case at all, I told him.  I'm just seriously awkward and don't know how to carry on a conversation.

Everyone at work knows Shawn and knows us very well.  Most of them watched our relationship develop.  They also got to see me break down and shut myself in an office crying quite a few times this year.  I've missed a bunch of days because of this situation.  Luckily I have a very understanding boss and great co-workers who have been there for me throughout this whole crazy ordeal.  I also now have a bunch of co-workers who will likely harm Shawn if they ever see him again.

I had messaged Sue, one of my managers who I'm closest to and let her know what happened and told her I didn't know how I was going to be on Tuesday when I came back.  So she let everyone know what was going on so I didn't have to.  So it wasn't a surprise to anyone when I got there, clocked in and immediately lost my mind and started crying again.  But I was able to get myself together and make until the end of the day without another breakdown.

During the time Shawn and I were talking while he was in China or what I like to refer to as "the week of lies" I had told him I was thinking of cutting my hair and asked him what he thought.  He told me he liked my hair longer and I shouldn't cut it.

That night my mom and I went to Mastercuts in the mall and I got a new hair cut.  It was a small act of rebellion.  Even though he'll never see it, I still felt good about it.  When people comment on it I use the line, "I needed a change."

I think I did okay the rest of the week.  I had more breakdowns, of course.  My last big one came on Thursday night when I was watching Community.  They had referenced the show Awake, which was a show Shawn and I got really into last year.  I just had a moment where I pictured exactly where my life would be if he had not left.  We would have been sitting there on couch together and the minute Troy said that line we would have both gone, "ohhh!" and marveled at the fact that our favorite character on our favorite show just mentioned our other favorite (and cancelled) show Awake.  It's a small thing, but we would have laughed about that random reference all night.  Shawn was weirdly passionate about that show.

But that moment never happened and we'll never have fun moments like that again and that's one of the things I'm having the hardest time accepting.

It was then that I asked my mom if she would consider staying with me for a few more days.  We had already planned to come back home to Franklin on Friday, but she hadn't planned on coming back to Albany with me.  But she said she would.  So we took her car to Franklin and she's going to come back up to Albany with me tomorrow for at least one more night.

Then I will have to really face the reality of my life for the first time.  When I walk into my house after work on Tuesday and only Odin is there and I know for sure Shawn will never be back and I won't be talking to him again.

I'm not ready for it.

A timeline of events

My boyfriend Shawn told me a story last year.  I think it was around Thanksgiving.  He was at his parent's house and he had just watched a show about this man who left his wife and kids to go live a new life in a different state.  He told me this story because he thought it was absurd and we both agreed that was a crazy thing to do.

Shawn and I officially got together on August 14th 2009.  I say "officially" because we were basically together for that whole year, we were both just too afraid to label it as anything.  We met at the bookstore we both worked at and after a while became very close friends and then spent every free moment together.  By April 2010 we had moved in together.  In July 2011 we adopted a our shih tzu/yorkie mix named Odin.  In July 2012 we rented a house together.

I have not spoken to Shawn since February 27th, 2013.

Some background.

Shawn has bachelor's and master's degrees.  He has been unable to find work.  I know this is something he has struggled with.  He also hasn't been happy in the city we live in.  He has felt he was in a rut for a long time.  So when an opportunity to go teach in China presented itself, he felt he had to take it.

There is nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong is that he originally told me he would only be gone a month.  After a while I asked him about that and he said, "well, it's a month of training for a job that lasts a year."  That was the beginning of handling this situation terribly.  Like horribly.  I don't think anyone ever has handled a situation like this worse.

For Thanksgiving I left to go to my parent's house.  Shawn had a part-time job at the time and had to work Black Friday, so he stayed at our house in Albany.  I came home to him that Sunday and the next night we talked about what him being away for a year would mean.  I cried.  I couldn't sleep.  I stayed up until around 3 am then climbed back into bed.  He reached over and put his arm around me.

The next morning he left to go see his parents.  He hadn't told me that he was going to do that.  He left me crying on the couch.

He was gone for two weeks.

When he came back things seemed to go back to normal.  As normal as things could be with the fact that he would be leaving for China soon looming over our heads.  But I put it out of my mind and let him tell me things would be okay.

Christmas came and we both left to go to our respective families.  When we came back I knew our time was limited.  He told me he had been looking at a flight that left on January 15th from an airport in Vermont.  I cried.  He hugged me.  He held me.  He wiped my tears and assured me everything would be fine.

We spent the new year together, cuddled up on the couch watching the ball drop.  At one point, as I laid there with him and Odin slept on my lap I remember thinking, "you need to treasure this moment."  So I did.  I took it all in, as I laid there with my boyfriend and our dog in our house.

On Sunday, January 6th we went to an Albany Devils hockey game.  They won.  We went out downtown to Bombers, a local Burrito place and got dinner.  We came home and watched TV.  Shawn mentioned to me that he was going to take the next day and make a pro/con list about going to China.  I said to him, "so there is a slight chance you may not go?" He replied, "a very slight chance."  My response, "well, I'm not going to get my hopes up about that because tomorrow you'll be gone to your parent's house and you'll have your plane tickets booked."  He laughed and said, "that's not going to happen."

The next morning I got ready for work, let Odin out, and then went back into the bedroom like I did every morning.  Odin hoped up on the bed next to Shawn and I woke him up to say goodbye, kissed him on the cheek and told him to have a good day.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

While I was at work he sent me a text telling me his mom called him and asked him to come home, so he was going.

I panicked.  I thought he was having some kind of family emergency.  But when he called me that night, that wasn't the case.  He just went home because his mom asked him to.  He also told me he has booked his plane tickets for January 15th.

Guess I called that one.

He told me he would come home before he left.  He assured me that we would spend the weekend together.

Friday he texted me saying he wasn't coming home.  He was going to visit his brother in Vermont instead.  He would call me on Saturday.  He then promptly shut his phone off.

Saturday he messaged me on facebook and told me he had terrible service at his brother's place.  I told him whatever, we needed to figure out a way to see each other before he left.  On Sunday he messaged me and told me he was leaving his brother's and would call me as soon as he got back into New York.  An hour later he came back on facebook and told me he wouldn't be calling me and we shouldn't see or talk to each other before he leaves because he is afraid I'm going to tell him not to go.

On January 15th Shawn left for China.  He posted, "Off to China!" to his facebook.  Shawn did not say goodbye to me or turn on his phone or reply to any of the messages I sent him.

Besides a couple of quick, "I'll be in contact" messages from him, I didn't talk to him for about a month.  When he finally sent me a real e-mail it was to apologize for everything and give me his name on skype.  I immediately called him on skype and we talked for about an hour while I was getting ready for work.

I literally had dreams about what I would say to him.  It didn't feel real.  But it was...and it was a good conversation.  He told me he was sorry and knew what he did was terrible.  We caught each other up on what was going on in our lives.  Then he told me he would wake up early so we could talk when I got home from work.

So when I got home he was there waiting for me on skype.  We had a serious conversation about everything.  I told him I could forgive him and he seemed genuinely sorry and said everything I had been hoping to hear him say since he left.  I felt so good.  The next morning I even woke up to a long e-mail he had sent me telling me that he loves me, that he doesn't know where his headed in his future, but he wants me to be there with him.  He wants to make everything up to me.  He wants to come home and doesn't think he's going to be able to stay for the whole year because he misses me and his life too much.

What followed was a wonderful week of skyping for hours every day.  We talked about me coming out to visit him.  He said he would pay for it.  We even talked about getting married, which is a subject we rarely touched upon.  He told me he definitely wasn't one of those people who stayed in this program for years.  He told me he was definitely coming home to me.  We had great conversations and I was so relieved.  We were even going to try to watch Community (our favorite show) together that Thursday.  He was going to get up early and I was going to point the computer at the TV.

On Wednesday, February 27th we talked for about two hours.  I had to go to bed.  He had to start his day.  We said goodbye, told each other, "I love you" and made plans to meet at 8 pm my time, and 9 am his time to watch Community.

8 pm rolled around on Thursday.  He never came online.

A month passed.  I was worried sick.  At first I thought something was wrong with his internet.  I sent him e-mails every day.  They got more and more urgent and I got more and more panicked.

On March 31st I woke up to an e-mail from Shawn.  He was sorry for not handling things well and that I've had to suffer because of it.  A month ago he was home sick and decided he needed to take time to figure things out.  He came to the conclusion that we just have different goals and he thinks we need to move on.  Oh and he's probably going to stay teaching in China for at least 5 years.

He became the man in that "absurd" story he told me.

So that's where my life is at right now.  Almost a week later I'm still in shock.  I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get through life without him.  I'm also trying to get over how unfair this is.  How he gets to go live a brand new life without me, without anyone to ask him about me, without any memories of me.  While I get to be the one who has to tell people that he left me.  I get to be the one who lives in a house with all of his things and memories everywhere.  He literally doesn't have to deal with any fall out of this, but I get it all.  I get to clean up his mess.

It's not fair.

But this is my life now.  I no longer have Shawn in my life.  The one person I talked to every day, who made me laugh, who was my best friend has decided that their life is better without me in it.

I don't know how to deal with this.  So I guess I'll write about it.