Monday

Shawn's mom posted a new picture of him on facebook tonight.  He's just standing there smiling in his adidas track jacket that he wears all the time.  He looks happy.  Happy in his new life without me in it.

I lost it.  I cried harder than I have in a while.  It's the first time I've seen him since our last skype chat in March...when the last words we spoke to each other were, "I love you."

It's hard.  It's so hard to see him in a picture and know that I'm not in his life anymore.  It's difficult to explain.

I changed my settings for his mom on facebook.  Now I won't see any of her posts on my newsfeed.

I'm also starting to worry about the rent.  I'm afraid his mom is going to stop sending the checks now.  I would hope that Shawn would tell her to keep sending the money until the lease is up in August, but I have no idea anymore.  I don't know Shawn anymore.  The person he is now is not the same person I knew.

I did send him an e-mail tonight in a moment of weakness.  Just a short one, hoping to reach out to the Shawn I did know.  I doubt it will do any good.  I'd just like to know that at least some of this is hard on him too.

I was having a pretty good day before all this.  Work went alright and then Odin and I took a walk with both Sarah and Kristina.  The three of us will probably hang out again on Wednesday.

Sarah came over to watch The Following with me in the middle of my crying.  I'm glad she came over.  It got my mind off things for a while.

Now it's time for bed.  I anticipate a Shawn dream tonight and waking up miserable in the morning.