I'm feeling a pretty strong urge to e-mail Shawn. I haven't tried contacting him in two weeks. The last e-mail I sent was on the morning after he sent his e-mail. I keep telling myself to wait longer. But then I think that it's not fair that he gets to go on living his new life without any reminders of me. I feel like he needs to know he did a terrible thing because he has no one telling him he did. I want him to hurt as much as I am. It's just not fair that he can cut me out of his life and I can't cut him out of mine because everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him. He doesn't have any of that. I hate that it's so easy for him.
But I think I'm going to wait. I honestly don't know if he'd even read what I had to say. I almost want to send him a link to this blog and nothing else.
Anyway. The last few days have been alright. Mom came up on Sunday and left this morning. The purse party was fun. I didn't get a purse because that's not really my thing and they cost like a million dollars. But I did get to hang out with friends and see some people I haven't seen in a long time. Also, on Saturday morning I broke the vacuum cleaner on accident. It was Shawn's, so I didn't feel too bad about it, but I didn't want to have to buy another one. But it just so happens that night Dixie, my former manager who was hosting the party asked if anyone needed a vacuum because she just got a new one and would be throwing out her old one. So now I can throw Shawn's out and have one less thing of his here.
I had another dream about him last night. He was with me and he hugged me and things were good. I kind of wish my dreams about him weren't so nice. I kind of wish I could just stop dreaming about him all together, but I doubt they will stop any time soon. I wonder if I ever show up in his dreams.
The new Fall Out Boy album came out today. Their last album was one of the first things Shawn and I bonded over when we became friends. I sent it to him through AIM shortly after it came out and we both loved it. Back during the week of lies he told me he was listening to Spotify and a song from Folie a Deux came up and he had to change it because it made him sad to listen to.
Tonight I went out to a bar for Trivia with Sarah, her boyfriend Jake, and their friend Jesse. Jesse was cute and funny. There have been many times in the last 4 years where I've found other guys attractive, but of course never thought anything more than that. Tonight I thought Jesse was cute and fun and I could totally get to know him better. It's way too soon though and I still love Shawn, so I'm definitely not in a place to meet anyone new. But this was the first time in a long time that I've thought about it. It scares me to think that way because for the last 4 years I've always been so sure of my future with Shawn. It's hard to think of anyone else in his place.
If Shawn were to e-mail me right now and apologize and say he changed his mind, I would go back to him. Sarah says I need to wait to e-mail him until I don't feel that way.
We'll see.
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