My boyfriend Shawn told me a story last year. I think it was around Thanksgiving. He was at his parent's house and he had just watched a show about this man who left his wife and kids to go live a new life in a different state. He told me this story because he thought it was absurd and we both agreed that was a crazy thing to do.
Shawn and I officially got together on August 14th 2009. I say "officially" because we were basically together for that whole year, we were both just too afraid to label it as anything. We met at the bookstore we both worked at and after a while became very close friends and then spent every free moment together. By April 2010 we had moved in together. In July 2011 we adopted a our shih tzu/yorkie mix named Odin. In July 2012 we rented a house together.
I have not spoken to Shawn since February 27th, 2013.
Some background.
Shawn has bachelor's and master's degrees. He has been unable to find work. I know this is something he has struggled with. He also hasn't been happy in the city we live in. He has felt he was in a rut for a long time. So when an opportunity to go teach in China presented itself, he felt he had to take it.
There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is that he originally told me he would only be gone a month. After a while I asked him about that and he said, "well, it's a month of training for a job that lasts a year." That was the beginning of handling this situation terribly. Like horribly. I don't think anyone ever has handled a situation like this worse.
For Thanksgiving I left to go to my parent's house. Shawn had a part-time job at the time and had to work Black Friday, so he stayed at our house in Albany. I came home to him that Sunday and the next night we talked about what him being away for a year would mean. I cried. I couldn't sleep. I stayed up until around 3 am then climbed back into bed. He reached over and put his arm around me.
The next morning he left to go see his parents. He hadn't told me that he was going to do that. He left me crying on the couch.
He was gone for two weeks.
When he came back things seemed to go back to normal. As normal as things could be with the fact that he would be leaving for China soon looming over our heads. But I put it out of my mind and let him tell me things would be okay.
Christmas came and we both left to go to our respective families. When we came back I knew our time was limited. He told me he had been looking at a flight that left on January 15th from an airport in Vermont. I cried. He hugged me. He held me. He wiped my tears and assured me everything would be fine.
We spent the new year together, cuddled up on the couch watching the ball drop. At one point, as I laid there with him and Odin slept on my lap I remember thinking, "you need to treasure this moment." So I did. I took it all in, as I laid there with my boyfriend and our dog in our house.
On Sunday, January 6th we went to an Albany Devils hockey game. They won. We went out downtown to Bombers, a local Burrito place and got dinner. We came home and watched TV. Shawn mentioned to me that he was going to take the next day and make a pro/con list about going to China. I said to him, "so there is a slight chance you may not go?" He replied, "a very slight chance." My response, "well, I'm not going to get my hopes up about that because tomorrow you'll be gone to your parent's house and you'll have your plane tickets booked." He laughed and said, "that's not going to happen."
The next morning I got ready for work, let Odin out, and then went back into the bedroom like I did every morning. Odin hoped up on the bed next to Shawn and I woke him up to say goodbye, kissed him on the cheek and told him to have a good day.
That was the last time I ever saw him.
While I was at work he sent me a text telling me his mom called him and asked him to come home, so he was going.
I panicked. I thought he was having some kind of family emergency. But when he called me that night, that wasn't the case. He just went home because his mom asked him to. He also told me he has booked his plane tickets for January 15th.
Guess I called that one.
He told me he would come home before he left. He assured me that we would spend the weekend together.
Friday he texted me saying he wasn't coming home. He was going to visit his brother in Vermont instead. He would call me on Saturday. He then promptly shut his phone off.
Saturday he messaged me on facebook and told me he had terrible service at his brother's place. I told him whatever, we needed to figure out a way to see each other before he left. On Sunday he messaged me and told me he was leaving his brother's and would call me as soon as he got back into New York. An hour later he came back on facebook and told me he wouldn't be calling me and we shouldn't see or talk to each other before he leaves because he is afraid I'm going to tell him not to go.
On January 15th Shawn left for China. He posted, "Off to China!" to his facebook. Shawn did not say goodbye to me or turn on his phone or reply to any of the messages I sent him.
Besides a couple of quick, "I'll be in contact" messages from him, I didn't talk to him for about a month. When he finally sent me a real e-mail it was to apologize for everything and give me his name on skype. I immediately called him on skype and we talked for about an hour while I was getting ready for work.
I literally had dreams about what I would say to him. It didn't feel real. But it was...and it was a good conversation. He told me he was sorry and knew what he did was terrible. We caught each other up on what was going on in our lives. Then he told me he would wake up early so we could talk when I got home from work.
So when I got home he was there waiting for me on skype. We had a serious conversation about everything. I told him I could forgive him and he seemed genuinely sorry and said everything I had been hoping to hear him say since he left. I felt so good. The next morning I even woke up to a long e-mail he had sent me telling me that he loves me, that he doesn't know where his headed in his future, but he wants me to be there with him. He wants to make everything up to me. He wants to come home and doesn't think he's going to be able to stay for the whole year because he misses me and his life too much.
What followed was a wonderful week of skyping for hours every day. We talked about me coming out to visit him. He said he would pay for it. We even talked about getting married, which is a subject we rarely touched upon. He told me he definitely wasn't one of those people who stayed in this program for years. He told me he was definitely coming home to me. We had great conversations and I was so relieved. We were even going to try to watch Community (our favorite show) together that Thursday. He was going to get up early and I was going to point the computer at the TV.
On Wednesday, February 27th we talked for about two hours. I had to go to bed. He had to start his day. We said goodbye, told each other, "I love you" and made plans to meet at 8 pm my time, and 9 am his time to watch Community.
8 pm rolled around on Thursday. He never came online.
A month passed. I was worried sick. At first I thought something was wrong with his internet. I sent him e-mails every day. They got more and more urgent and I got more and more panicked.
On March 31st I woke up to an e-mail from Shawn. He was sorry for not handling things well and that I've had to suffer because of it. A month ago he was home sick and decided he needed to take time to figure things out. He came to the conclusion that we just have different goals and he thinks we need to move on. Oh and he's probably going to stay teaching in China for at least 5 years.
He became the man in that "absurd" story he told me.
So that's where my life is at right now. Almost a week later I'm still in shock. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get through life without him. I'm also trying to get over how unfair this is. How he gets to go live a brand new life without me, without anyone to ask him about me, without any memories of me. While I get to be the one who has to tell people that he left me. I get to be the one who lives in a house with all of his things and memories everywhere. He literally doesn't have to deal with any fall out of this, but I get it all. I get to clean up his mess.
It's not fair.
But this is my life now. I no longer have Shawn in my life. The one person I talked to every day, who made me laugh, who was my best friend has decided that their life is better without me in it.
I don't know how to deal with this. So I guess I'll write about it.
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