Today

Today was a tough one.

I'm pretty much at the point where I can be okay as long as I don't let myself think about things too hard, but any little thing could set me off.

Today a text message from my sister-in-law was the thing that set me off.

First I should say that I love Lindsey, my sister-in-law.  She and my brother have been together since they were 16 (my brother turned 30 last week, Lindsey turns 30 tomorrow), so she has been in my life for basically forever.  We've always gotten along and been friends, we even moved to Albany together and lived with each other for two years.

When Shawn broke up with me she had many supportive things to say and lots of hope that the two of us would get back together.  She's been where I am.  Chris, my brother lost his mind at one point and broke up with her out of nowhere many years ago.  He was on tour with his band, so she didn't get much explanation and she actually ended up leaving school and moving back in with her mom.  I remember how hurt she was and how mad I was at my brother.  But they got back together and now they're happily married.  So she has reason to believe that things can turn around.

I want to believe that Shawn will come to his senses like Chris did.  But I don't think it's going to happen and I can't get my hopes up about it.  Shawn did a great job of getting my hopes up back during the week of lies, then he trampled on them a month later.

So back to Lindsey's text message.

I had asked her if she could pick Odin up today and bring him back to her house because I was working 8:45-6:15 and then going directly from work to dinner for my manager's birthday.  I told her I would pick him up after and she was fine with it.  We watch each other's dogs all the time, so it's usually not a big deal.

Around 4:00 she sent me a text telling me Odin had "shit on her new carpet."  Now since I was at work I'm not sure what she wanted me to do.  So I told her I was sorry and I was surprised since I had let him out before I left for work and he did his business then.  He hasn't had an accident inside in a very long time, so I was surprised.

She then pushed the issue saying she can't use stain cleaners on the rug, so she used some kind of wipe and hopefully it doesn't damage the carpet.

I'm already feeling terrible and she knows what a rough time I'm having, so I'm not sure why she needed to text me at work about it.  But it made me feel even worse and I ended up in the bathroom crying like I have so many times this year.

But once again I got myself together and finished the day at work then went out to dinner.

Dinner was good and I had a good time.  I only thought of Shawn a couple times, thinking he probably would have been there with me if he hadn't gone to China.  Whenever I went out with my co-workers he would usually come with me since he knew everyone too.

Besides that I felt like my normal self for most of the night.  I laughed, I joked around.  It was like my life was fine and I wasn't miserable.

I picked Odin up after and gave Lindsey her birthday card.  Things were fine.  I apologized again for Odin and she didn't seem mad.  I just hope this doesn't turn into a thing where she is hesitant to watch Odin for me again because without Shawn to help me take care of him I'm going to need some help.

I came home, took out the garbage, showered and then skyped with my mom.  I ended up crying pretty hard for most of the conversation.  I guess I needed to make up for the lack of crying in the past couple days.

I can't wait for this to get easier.