Memories

Mom left this morning.  I only cried a little.  I cried harder last night when she gave me a "you'll be fine" speech.  It's hard to imagine being fine.

I am doing okay though.  Usually I get through each day by trying to not think too hard about what's happening and how terrible it is.  But sometimes it hits me out of nowhere and I start getting really sad or really angry.  None of this is fair and I just keep thinking of him over there in China living his new life without me, with no one to tell him what he is doing is wrong.  He's just going about his days like everything is normal.  Like he didn't leave his girlfriend, his dog, and his entire life behind.  It's just so frustrating.

So I wasn't looking forward to coming home to my empty house, so when I got out of work I asked Sarah if she wanted to go for a walk with me and Odin.

Sarah lives where Shawn and I used to live.  Our old apartment was part of a house and garage that was made into 4 apartments.  When Sarah was looking for a place last year I told her one of the garage apartments was available and she ended up moving in there.  So tonight I walked Odin over there to meet up with her and pretended for just one second that I was back in that time when we lived there and things were good, that Odin and I were just coming home from a walk and Shawn would be there waiting at the apartment.  Does that even make sense?

We walked around the University, which is where Shawn and I usually walked Odin.  They've been doing a ton of construction and there are some brand new paths that I haven't been on before.  I would have told Shawn about them.  If he were still here we would have loved walking them and sitting by the ponds on the new benches with Odin.

But besides literally taking a walk down memory lane, it was good.  We ended up walking for over an hour and talking.  I'm glad I'm at the point where I can talk about the situation without bursting into tears and Sarah is a good listener.  She has watched me go through this whole thing and I know she has bitten her tongue a lot.  I'm sure she's wanted to scream "break up with him!" at me since he left, but she has tried to be understanding and she's always willing to listen and offer advice.

Sarah will be moving to the city in August.  I'm trying not to think about that.  I don't want to lose anyone else from my life.

Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner with my co-workers for our manager's birthday.  So that will be a good distraction.

Hopefully I will get through the night without waking up to think about things.