First week recap

Last Sunday was one of the worst days of my life.

Like every morning since Shawn stopped talking to me in February I woke up, opened my computer and checked my e-mail.  This time I saw I finally had an e-mail from him and immediately clicked it.  After I read what he had said I just sat there for a few seconds then let out a pathetic, "no."

Luckily I was staying at my parent's house last weekend, so I wasn't alone.  I walked across the hall to my parent's room and woke my mom up and showed her the e-mail.

Shock took over for a little bit, but the rest of the day was filled with tears and not wanting to move.  I got the worst headache of my life, threw up, and laid my head on my mom's lap like I was 5 years old.

I also sent Shawn about 6 e-mails.  He hasn't replied to any of them.

It was and still is just so hard to comprehend.  Shawn wasn't only my boyfriend, he was my best friend.  We did everything together.  He was just a huge part of my life and of course I always thought we'd be together.  When he left for China I tried to picture what life would be like without him and I couldn't.  I still can't.

I just don't get it.  How can you go from being so close to someone to just cutting them out of your life?  How can he not want to talk to me after talking to me every single day for the past 4 years?  How could he tell me all those wonderful things and then go and say the exact opposite only a few weeks later?

These are questions I'll probably never get answers to because I'm pretty convinced I'm never going to see or talk to him again.  How he is able to do this is beyond me.  I miss him so much it hurts.  And it hurts even more that he doesn't miss me...and that I wasn't worth it to come back to.

So apparently life still goes on after a devastating break up.  I still have to work, unfortunately.  Which meant I had to leave my parent's house and go back to Albany.  I had already taken that Monday off for a doctor's appointment (that I cancelled because I didn't want to cry at the doctor's office).

My mom came up and spent the week with me.  I don't know how I would have gotten through it without her.

The first thing I did when I walked back into our house was take down the pictures of the two of us that I had up in the living room.  Then I cried some more.

Tuesday I went into work.  I knew it was going to be hard.  Hard because I didn't feel like doing much of anything and work is just one more big Shawn memory.  I get to walk past the place where we met every day.  The very spot where Shawn and I stood and he spoke to  me for the first time, telling me he liked my Thrice hoodie.  I am and always have been terrible at small talk, so I replied, "thanks, I like them."  After we were officially together he told me that back then he had decided he liked me and was trying to engage me in conversation and felt I was blowing him off.  Not the case at all, I told him.  I'm just seriously awkward and don't know how to carry on a conversation.

Everyone at work knows Shawn and knows us very well.  Most of them watched our relationship develop.  They also got to see me break down and shut myself in an office crying quite a few times this year.  I've missed a bunch of days because of this situation.  Luckily I have a very understanding boss and great co-workers who have been there for me throughout this whole crazy ordeal.  I also now have a bunch of co-workers who will likely harm Shawn if they ever see him again.

I had messaged Sue, one of my managers who I'm closest to and let her know what happened and told her I didn't know how I was going to be on Tuesday when I came back.  So she let everyone know what was going on so I didn't have to.  So it wasn't a surprise to anyone when I got there, clocked in and immediately lost my mind and started crying again.  But I was able to get myself together and make until the end of the day without another breakdown.

During the time Shawn and I were talking while he was in China or what I like to refer to as "the week of lies" I had told him I was thinking of cutting my hair and asked him what he thought.  He told me he liked my hair longer and I shouldn't cut it.

That night my mom and I went to Mastercuts in the mall and I got a new hair cut.  It was a small act of rebellion.  Even though he'll never see it, I still felt good about it.  When people comment on it I use the line, "I needed a change."

I think I did okay the rest of the week.  I had more breakdowns, of course.  My last big one came on Thursday night when I was watching Community.  They had referenced the show Awake, which was a show Shawn and I got really into last year.  I just had a moment where I pictured exactly where my life would be if he had not left.  We would have been sitting there on couch together and the minute Troy said that line we would have both gone, "ohhh!" and marveled at the fact that our favorite character on our favorite show just mentioned our other favorite (and cancelled) show Awake.  It's a small thing, but we would have laughed about that random reference all night.  Shawn was weirdly passionate about that show.

But that moment never happened and we'll never have fun moments like that again and that's one of the things I'm having the hardest time accepting.

It was then that I asked my mom if she would consider staying with me for a few more days.  We had already planned to come back home to Franklin on Friday, but she hadn't planned on coming back to Albany with me.  But she said she would.  So we took her car to Franklin and she's going to come back up to Albany with me tomorrow for at least one more night.

Then I will have to really face the reality of my life for the first time.  When I walk into my house after work on Tuesday and only Odin is there and I know for sure Shawn will never be back and I won't be talking to him again.

I'm not ready for it.